Here are my picks for the NFL’s Week 13:
*THURSDAY, DECEMBER 2ND*
Houston (5-6) at Philadelphia (7-4) – 8:20 PM [Line: Eagles by 8]
The Eagles have the NFL’s #2 offense (in terms of scoring as well as yards per game). The Texans have the second-worst pass defense in the league. Michael Vick threw his first interception of the season last week. Expect a lot of scoring in this game, and maybe some canine electrocution later this weekend.
RJ’s Pick: Eagles by 13
*SUNDAY, DECEMBER 5TH*
Washington (5-6) at New York Giants (7-4) – 1:00 PM [Line: Giants by 7]
The Giants have the best pass defense in the league. Washington’s top two running backs are injured; Ryan Torain didn’t play last week and Clinton Portis is done for the year. Donovan McNabb has thrown for just 11 touchdowns, has been picked off 13 times, and has a QB rating of 76.0, the lowest he’s had since his rookie season. (That sound you hear is Rush Limbaugh laughing maniacally.)
RJ’s Pick: Giants by 11
Denver (3-8) at Kansas City (7-4) – 1:00 PM [Line: Chiefs by 9]
The Broncos have the worst point differential in the AFC. Kansas City is 5-0 at home. Jamaal Charles is averaging 6.3 yards per carry. Steve Scarnecchia is averaging 0.0 football-related job offers for the rest of his life.
RJ’s Pick: Chiefs by 14
Jacksonville (6-5) at Tennessee (5-6) – 1:00 PM [Line: Titans by 10]
The Jaguars are almost certainly the weakest team in the league with a winning record. The Titans have dropped four straight. Kerry Collins will likely be starting at quarterback for Tennessee. Cortland Finnegan is probably an Internet troll in the offseason.
RJ’s Pick: Titans by 3
San Francisco (4-7) at Green Bay (7-4) – 1:00 PM [Line: Packers by 9.5]
The 49ers are just 1-4 on the road. The Packers are 4-1 at home. It’s expected to be in the 20s in Green Bay this Sunday, so the men’s rooms at Lambeau will be full of guys who have penises that look just like Brett Favre’s. Frank Gore is done for the year with a hip injury, so veteran Brian Westbrook will take his place.
RJ’s Pick: Packers by 5
Cleveland (4-7) at Miami (6-5) – 1:00 PM [Line: Dolphins by 4.5]
The Browns are 1-4 on the road. Miami is 1-4 at home. Jake Delhomme is starting under center for Cleveland, so expect more ill-advised passes than Charlie Sheen at a lesbian bar.
RJ’s Pick: Dolphins by 1
Buffalo (2-9) at Minnesota (4-7) – 1:00 PM [Line: Vikings by 6]
The Bills have won two of its last three games. It should be three in a row, but Steve Johnson dropped a pass that would have been a game-winning touchdown in overtime last week. (God must really hate him or something.) The Vikings are 3-2 at home. I don’t know what the future holds for Brad Childress, but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t involve giving seminars to human resource professionals on recruitment and retention.
RJ’s Pick: Bills by 2
Chicago (8-3) at Detroit (2-9) – 1:00 PM [Line: Bears by 3.5]
The Lions have lost four straight, while the Bears have won its last four. Drew Stanton will start at quarterback for the Lions, because … I guess everyone else on the team had their throwing arms amputated.
RJ’s Pick: Lions by 3
New Orleans (8-3) at Cincinnati (2-9) – 1:00 PM [Line: Saints by 6.5]
The Saints have won four straight. The Bengals have dropped eight in a row. All-Pro attention whore Chad Ochocinco has decided to appear in an ad for PETA. Insert snarky “pigskin” joke here.
RJ’s Pick: Saints by 17
Oakland (5-6) at San Diego (6-5) – 4:05 PM [Line: Chargers by 12.5]
The Raiders have lost two straight and have dropped into 3rd place in the AFC West. The Chargers have won four in a row. Jason Campbell will be starting at quarterback this week for Oakland. JaMarcus Russell will be starting at hot dog vendor station #7 this week at the Plaza Level of Qualcomm Stadium.
RJ’s Pick: Chargers by 20
Carolina (1-10) at Seattle (5-6) – 4:15 PM [Line: Seahawks by 6.5]
RJ’s Pick: Seattle by 12
Atlanta (9-2) at Tampa Bay (7-4) – 4:15 PM [Line: Falcons by 2.5]
The Falcons have the best record in the NFC. Matt Ryan hasn’t thrown an interception since Week 7. Tampa Bay has allowed just 33 points in its last three games. This will likely be a low-scoring affair. I hope Atlanta wins, because one of my pet theories this season has been the following: Tampa Bay Sucks Diseased Hedgehog Balls.
RJ’s Pick: Falcons by 6
St. Louis (5-6) at Arizona (3-8) – 4:15 PM [Line: Rams by 3]
The Rams are 1-4 on the road. Arizona has lost six straight. Derek Anderson wants you to know that he doesn’t find that funny—at all.
RJ’s Pick: Rams by 8
Dallas (3-8) at Indianapolis (6-5) – 4:15 PM [Line: Colts by 5]
The Cowboys are in last place in the NFC East. The Colts are 4-1 at home. Peyton Manning has thrown seven interceptions in his last two games—both Indianapolis losses. Wade Phillips was quoted the other day as saying, “I still want to coach, so we’ll see what happens.” Just wait another year or so Wade, and I suspect the Detroit Lions will have an opening…
RJ’s Pick: Colts by 15
Pittsburgh (8-3) at Baltimore (8-3) – 8:20 PM [Line: Ravens by 3]
The Ravens are undefeated at home. The Steelers are 5-1 on the road. Ben Roethlisberger is wearing a protective boot on his sprained right foot, but is expected to play. Roethlisberger, wearing protection? Any. Given. Sunday.
RJ’s Pick: Ravens by 7
*MONDAY, DECEMBER 6TH*
New York Jets (9-2) at New England (9-2) – 8:30 PM [Line: Patriots by 3]
The Jets have won four straight. The Patriots are 5-0 at home. Rex Ryan recently compared himself to Tom Brady and noted a couple similarities. Amusing stuff. Then I started reading the comments at the link, and now I feel quite certain that Western Civilization is in its death throes.
RJ’s Pick: Jets by 4