Ridonkulous DVD Picks of the Week
from a lowly video store employee
Every week our UPS man, like a scheisser (or “scat”) porn-loving Santa Claus, delivers us a bundle of joy. No, not a baby, that only happened once and it wasn’t nearly as wacky as “Three Men and a Baby” (but far wackier than “Three Men and a Little Lady“). I am refering of course to the shipment of new DVD’s every week which contains some of the most ridiculous, nay, ridonkulous DVDs ever made. It’s my job to bring these otherwise overlooked gems to the adoring, ignorant public.
This week’s addition comes about 1 week(or more) late, but since there were almost no good bad movies for 11/15, I don’t think it hurts to weigh quality over promtness.
My Baby Is Black!
Perhaps the only thing more shameful to a white woman than having a torrid affair with a negro is bearing his hellspawn…
If I can tell anything about this film based on the cover, it’s about a sexy black man being seduced by a cartoon white woman… and the product of this bond of the flesh world and the ink world is a cartoon baby born totally in black ink. And it all takes place in France. Fucked up.
And as if that wasn’t enough racial tension, you get “Checkerboard“, another subtly titled french art film depicting racial hatred fueled by the love of two crazy french youngsters. There is obviously a colorful cast of characters in this one: 2 passionate lovers, an angry man with a shotgun, a wise old black man, a wise fat oriental stereotype (including Fu Manchu mustache), a buxom blonde vixen and maybe a priest? (click the picture if you have trouble seeing the picture) All equally essential to tales of hatred and forbidden love. Apparently there is at least one wooden-limp beating in this film, making true it’s clain of “a tour of violence!”.
Once again, the French get it right.
Not to be confused with the other classic “Boys Town 90069“, although equally as gay in my opinion.
The banner on the bottom reads:
“The Life Story of a Boy Who Was Born to be Hung”
Surely this was not meant to be as blatantly homosexual as it is… or was it? The picture looks like a court illustrator’s rendition of an older man, perhaps a teacher who just couldn’t help his raw lust, and the school boy who just needed that extra push to find his path in life. Lets face it, that little boy is giving a mighty seductive look, you might say it’s a “come hither” stare. He’s got his shirt collar loosened and he’s ready for… whatever.
It also includes “Men Of Boys Town”, another clue to the homosexual underbelly of hollywood in this time period.
If you’re like me, you’ll watch anything starring Mickey Rooney, who was, at one time, the biggest star in the world, especially if it’s a story of a hung boy.
Can I just say one thing without being judged? I LOVE The Carters. Nick and Aaron are two well adjusted, talented and uber-cute guys who have every right to sue their own mother for money she spent as their business manager.
Wait a minute, I’m not actually a pre-teen girl, that must have just been a dream I spend a lot of time in…
In that case, there’s no possible way for me or anyone else not a pre-teen girl to enjoy this movie and I HATE The Carters.
If you read my other posts about horrible teen movies, you know full well that most of them have the main character folding his arms in some manner looking some kind of wacky, and his co-star standing back to back with him looking at him like “you so crazy!”. As you can see from the movie “Ganked” that came out earlier in the year, these movies never break from the formula. And thank God for that. I like my movies exactly like my other movies: brimming with sexy underage girls.
Blue Collar TV Season 1
When president Bush was re-elected, I sat around asking myself “But I thought the entire country hated him! He is SO stupid! Is there really a large percentage of middle and southern American that wants this to continue?”.
Today, having accepted the impending nuclear holocaust caused by the fight for oil, I sit and ask myself the very same question about the show “Blue Collar TV”. I specifically ask this about DVD of the first season, as this implies that there were enough ratings of the first season when it aired to demand a DVD set. This also implies that there is a second season.
If you haven’t seen the show, here is my impression of it:
“Howdy there folks, you know how people are so uptight about political correctness? Well we’re going to knock those northerner pussies on their asses by finally making fun of all the ‘sensitivity‘ issues”
I’m not sure if anyone remembers, but didn’t making fun of political correctness go out of style in like, 1997? I remember reading the PC version of Dr. Suess back in 1995 when I was in 6th grade, and now we find the innovators on “Blue Collar TV” doing the exact same thing now in 2005 when I’m finally in 8th grade.
I’ll admit it, I used to think Jeff Foxworthy is funny and I got swept up in the “Git R Done” craze, but this show takes whatever potential each individual comic had (if any, despite their success) and crams it into a lackluster, contrived and just totally stupid mess of poorly written sketch comedy and banter. I say “Git R Cancelled”.
Single Santa Seeks Mrs. Claus
Classic thespian of stage and screen/American dreamboat Steve Guttenberg stars in this family film which takes an erotic look at the life of a single Santa Claus. Finally, a movie that deals with the real life problems of a Santa who just hasn’t found the right woman yet but needs to satisfy his natural desires. If the man can deliver toys to millions of kids all over the world in one night, I can’t imagine how many times he can fail to please a woman in just one night.
One of many in a string of garbage to be released for the enjoyment of the stupid masses during the Christmas season, this will definately be top on my list of recommendations to people who clearly appreciate the charm and originality of a film like this.
If you’ll turn your attention to the chart
you can see exactly the kind of actor stars in a movie like “Single Santa Seeks Mrs. Claus”. I did not make this chart, but I’ll take credit for it if I can. To be fair, I got it from this site that charts the mediocrity of many other great celebrities. That should probably come in handy here at The Showcase Of Depravity. The Stalkability is up for debatable (%48?), but the Punchability is right on!
Jeopardy!: An Inside Look At America’s Favorite Quiz Show
I’ve always said “don’t trust a man who shaves his mustache” and not since Tom Selleck has there been more truth in that statement. Geraldo Rivera understood this risk when he made the claim that if Michael Jackson was found Guilty he would shave his mustache thereby ruining his credibility and his career. Luckily for Rivera we can trust Michael Jackson with children as much as we can continue to trust Rivera’s journalistic integrity – it all comes back to the mustache.
Look at Tom Selleck with his stache, and look at him without. Maybe it’s the fact that he’s talking on a “cordless” phone at the beach before there was such a thing as a cordless phone that makes him so adorably trustworthy, and maybe its the fact that he’s in a suit in front of an American flag that makes him so despicably untrustworthy and villainous, but I’m pretty sure it’s all about the mustache.
Alex Trebek broke the nations trust when he shaved his mustache. He shaved off the values of this country and now the very fiber of our freedom lay in a scattered pile in his sink. For this reason, and many others, I consider Trebek a terrorist.
Unfortunately this “documentary” is not an expose of Trebek’s treason, but rather a one-sided propaganda piece about Jeopardy.
It also happens to be the most boring and nerdy”Inside Look” story ever produced. Was anyone actually wondering about the story behind Jeopardy? It doesn’t even have a sexy model touching screens to reveal letters, it’s just stupid old Trebek and his unsexy brainiac contestants. Besides, I’m pretty sure that “Wheel Of Fortune” is America’s favorite game show, and you know why? Pat Sajack is a man you can trust. Sure he never had a mustache, but the point is he never tried to grow one behind the backs of his viewers. That is the stuff of heroes, and Pat Sajack is a hero.
That’s it for last week’s DVD Picks. If you didn’t notice, this post included references to both Steve Guttenberg AND Tom Selleck, stars of “Three Men and a Baby”, the best movie of all time. For this reason, and no other, I think this has been a succesful edition of the rarely updated and often skimmed over “DVD’s Of The Week” series.
-Jordan, rocking a mustache and then some.
For more ridonkulous DVD’s check out these classic posts:
Gay Movies Are SO Gay
Gay Movies Are SO Gay V. 2 – Gay Harder
DVD’s Of The Week – Including Bikini Girls On Dinosaur Planet and NekRomantik
DVD’s Of The Week – Including Teen Witch and Lou Ferrigno in Sinbad
DVD’s Of The Week – Including Stallone’s classic Over The Top, Twin Sitters and Movies with Chimps