In this weeks edition of DVD picks we have a wide variety of classic films from Urban to Urban/ Western, Soft-core porn to grotesque horror porn to acclaimed TV Series.
It’s all here folks, I hope you enjoy.
Is there anything in life more satisfying than a Seduction Cinema Bikini Feature? Before you jump to saying “NO! are you outta your fucking mind? what could be better?” check this out! A Bikini DOUBLE Feature! Bam! And here I was ready to shell out the cash for both “Bikini Girls On Dinasaur Planet” AND “Bikini Goddesses” (which won an Adult Video Award for Most Consistent Use of The Same Letters In A Title).
Move over “Jurassic Park” or whatever it’s called, this is the real deal. Fans of Ray Harryhausen will appreciate the back-to-basics artistry of the realistic stop-motion dinosaurs in this compelling film about 2 alien women who find themselves stranded on a dinosaur planet inhabited by the illusive race of “bikini babes”. It stars Misty Mundae, who you might remember from such soft-core gems as “Lord Of The G-Strings”, “Playmate Of The Apes”, “The Girl Who Shagged Me”, “Satan’s School For Lust” and “Sexy American Idol” (which is something this world desperately needed). Most of these titles you’ll find in my upcoming “MasterPIECE Theater: Adult DVD Picks” post.
I don’t want to ruin the ending of the film, but it turns out that Dinosaur Planet is actually…. EARTH!! Noooo! You bastards! You ruined it! The day we let the dinosaurs take back Earth will be a bad day indeed… unless of course Earth women turn into bikini babes.
This movie is all that! Get it? This is the epitome of the kind of movie I love. You will notice that for this and the following selections there is always at least one person on the cover standing back to back with someone else folding their arms and/or making a strange facial expression. If not the arms folded, the all at least have pictures of individual characters making stupid faces that reveal something about them.
Yes, “Good Burger” was a genius, career-making film. But you wanted more from Kel Mitchell… you wanted a film that could let him really explore his full range of emotions, and in this film he gets that oppertunity. From “Girrrrlll…” to “Say what??” to “You Crazy!” to “Damn!” and back to “Giiirrrll!”, Kel display’s everything an urban romantic comedy needs.
He truly is this generations Chris Tucker.
The Urban Dictionary defines “ganked” as:
Or you could say “Kel Mitchell didn’t have a personality of his own so he ganked Chris Tucker’s!”
Chooch -Another movie with a donkey on the cover… That’s the first thing I look for when going to my local video store, so it’s a good thing the ass is displayed so prominently. Now, I’m not exactly sure where the rest of the donkey’s body is, unless this is a giraffe/donkey hybrid monster that has an extremely long neck and could be called Gironkey or Donkaffe…but I guess I’ll have to watch it to find out, and I simply can’t bring myself to watch a movie called “Chooch”.
Again with the main character folding his arms, and the supporting character making the “pssht, look at dis guy der, come on” facial expression, and even using the ol thumb-out gesture to insure we know which guy he’s give the look to. Love those Queens/New Yorker stereotypes, they really do make any movie great. Take Spider-Man, for example (remember: “Youz mess wit spidah-mayn, youz mess wit new yowk!” or whatever).
I don’t know about you but I’ve been desperately searching for a movie that mixes the hard-assed realism of Queens, NY with the hilariously ethnic culture of Mexico and their donkey population. I can’t imagine what the plot is… but what I do know is that this is how the movie ends up:
“Returning home in triumphant glory with his reunited crew and newfound love Ladonna, Dino discovers the meaning of family, friendship and neighborhood.”
Notice it doesn’t say “returning home with his new best friend Pedro the Donkey…”, and thus, knowing that I have no interest in seeing it.
So Fresh, So Clean – There’s nothing that can be said about this movie that hasn’t already been said about a dozen other movies. The point is it’s called “So Fresh, So Clean” and it’s about a Laundromat called “Tidey Whitey Cleaners”. Not just that but look at the amazing cast of kooky characters on display on the cover. I Can’t wait to see this movie.
The tagline says “Boughetto Comedy at it’s best!”
If you’re like me, you just asked yourself “What the balls does ‘Boughetto’ mean??”
I had to do some serious research, and the best explanation I can find is in the lyrics to a genius song by someone named “Ali” (no, not Ali G)
“I’m at the bar, industry party, caviar
Denim suits, superstar, Cigarello cigars
Spittin bars to this footer in stilettos
She boughetto, that mean she bourgeois and ghetto
Bourgeois cuz her shoes alone cost a grand
Ghetto cuz she cuss too much and talk with her hands
She say she don’t fuck wit rap since Mase got saved
But baby got back like mace got spray (BEST LINE EVER!!)
You know the bourgeois type, ass boombastic
Mabelline queen, titties all plastic
Niggaz front with they tank on empty
Pay cash for e’rythang cuz the top off her Bentley (Editor’s Note- he actually spelled it “e’rythang” instead of just saying it!!)
For a more simple definition of what the word means, here’s another verse from the song:
” If you got an expensive weave – That’s boughetto!
Spend six hundred on weed – That’s boughetto!
Benz while ya sittin on D’s – That’s boughetto! (That’s the one I relate to the most)
Tell em what’s boughetto – Bourgeois and ghetto!”
Never in my life have I heard a rap song use the word Bourgeois, unless you count Madonna’s music… and, well, I do.
I still don’t quite understand what that word has to do with a movie about a bunch of morons running a Laundromat, but I guess I’ll have to watch it to find out…
Ah, the Germans. What will they do next? Jorg Buttgereit, Director of the classic “Captain Berlin” (Plleeaase click the link!, brings us his heart-warming romantic comedy about a couple who shares the same interests – namely having three-sums with corpses found on the Autobahn Freeway. You just don’t find cool chicks like that in America. If only my girlfriend could share my love of auto-erotic asphixiation and hot, steamy monkey torture.
This could possibly be the best non-urban movie title/DVD cover ever in the history of bad DVD’s. Not only does it have a rotting corpse, and not only does it have a hot naked chick, but it has a rotting corpse fondling a hot naked chicks boobs with full on hard nips that could cut glass, who is also wearing neon pink “fuck me” 1987 lipstick.
The majority of the cast of characters are prostitutes and the soundtrack listing consists of one song called “Ménage à trois”. But as hilarious and beautiful as this movie sounds, it’s not for the weak at heart. The obvious inspiration for SAVE TOBY.com, this film features a live bunny rabbit being killed and skinned. Yum.
Look for its 1991 sequel : “Nekromantik 2: Die Rückkehr der liebenden Toten”. No, seriously.
“Click: Brothas In Arms“, or at least that was the working title. I feel like it’s a lot better because any movie with an “a” instead of an “er” is fucking baddassss. I just wish it had used a “z” instead of an “s”. But it doesn’t matter because they changed the title and corrected the ebonical spelling to make it sound like a WWI video game.
Ok, so anyway we’ve all seen westerns before but we all get tired of that bullshit old western history malarkey. Boooring! Right? Who needs it? It’s in the past. You know what westerns these days need? That’s right – NEW SOUL!
Hence their tagline “Old West. New Soul. Big Paycheck”.
Fuck “Posse“, this has Kill Bill himself in it.
You’d think a western with “New Soul” and with David “Kick Ass” Carradine in the cast can be anything but bad considering the success of “Kill Bill”, or at least that’s what David Carradine is hoping people will think as he is trying to cash in on a new career. Sorry, buster. Not gonna happen.
Unlike “Kill Bill”, this movie also stars urban movie favorite and rap less-than-superstar Kurupt. What a pair!
And finally, something that critics besides me actually spend time reviewing, and ended up liking:
The Job – This show is critically acclaimed and blah blah blah all that hog wash, but all I need to read is the ridiculous plot description found on the back of the DVD box to know everything I need:
“Mike Mcneil is a self-medicating, hard-drinking decorated NYC detective whose toughest assignment is himself (My favorite line in any plot description ever).His unconventional approach to fighting crime makes him a great cop, but it takes a toll on his personal life, which is complicated by his wife, his girlfriend and a squad room full of unique characters.”
Are you kidding? Its like they got the recipe to spoon feed America and they’re following it to a T. They might as well have called it “Police Cops”.
Boy, I would have loved to have been in the board meeting where they pitched this show. “oooh! thats what people these days want! ANOTHER gritty hard-hitting cop show about an unconventional detective who does things his own way, including his drink and his women, along side a cast of hilariously quirky characters! The show practically writes itself!”, or in other words, exactly what the box says… This is a real show that’s supposed to be pretty good, but it seems so ridiculous that it could, nay should have been made up.
For more on the most ridonkulous DVD’s available on the legal market, check out these previous posts:
DVD Picks (including Teen Witch and Samurai Boners)
DVD Picks (including Stalone in “Over The Top”, Monkey Movies and “Twin Sitters”)
Classic Films Of The Urban Variety Vol. 1
coming soon: Classic Films of The Adult Variety Vol. 1, Monkey Movies and More Weekly Picks.
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