In no order of release date, here are some of the most ridonkulous DVD picks of the last few weeks Samurai Banners – Ok, this movie/DVD itself isn’t funny, but being dyslexic it occured to me that the samurai font used for the title makes “Samurai Banners” look like Samurai Bonners (or, boners if you wanna be picky about spelling)…. hence: Samurai Boners. Maybe the humor doesn’t translate so well to blog form, I don’t know.
Now, even though it isn’t really called Samurai Boners, imagine if it was, and then imagine that the cover art is still the same…
that guy is lookin at something, and I don’t think it’s the impending brigade of samurai soldiers, I think it’s a samurai boner. In fact, they are all looking at something odd and sort of scary. Except the chick… she’s just trying to decide where she wants it (haha).
Lou Ferrigno, (also known as the guy Arnold made fun of in Pumping Iron and co-star of The Incredible Hulk) starring in “Sinbad“… this cover pretty much speaks for itself. I was this close to buying it for a dollar on VHS, but now it has finally arrived in digital video disc for the betterment of mankind. Being a big fan of The Incredible Hulk it sort of takes the magic out of the show to see The Hulk himself as a real person, and one that borders so closely on being incredibley gay. I have yet to actually watch the film, but I can assure you that I will watch it in the store at some point today (or later this week when Drew the fuckin’ naysayer is gone).
Teen Witch – Romance is the most powerful spell of all, indeed. Co-starring the midget from
“Poltergeist” Zelda Rubinstein and Dan Gauthier of “Beverly Hills 90210”, with a cast like this you’re sure to get a well acted film, at the very least…. Right? Wrong. This is, as VH1 might say, an awesomely bad movie in every way, especially the bad way. It is pretty much Teen Wolf (even the title font is the same) but with a girl and no wolf… so it kinda sucks, doesn’t it? Teen Wolf is a masterpiece, this is just a piece!
The best part in this movie or ANY movie by far is the gang of yuppie white guys who randomly freestyle rap through out the film, sort of like the Greek Chorus members of yesteryear. They are dressed in the WORST 80s clothing ever, and one of them is dressed exactly like me when i went to an 80s Halloween party (seen here…minus the beard, but including the hair style. laugh it up). At one point in the movie there is a veritable rap battle first between each other and then involving a girl on the street. The song is actually called “Top That” and is listed on the soundtrack as performed by The Michael Terry Rappers. It goes something like this(paraphrasing from memory):
White prep #1: “I’m hot, and you’re not! Top That!”
White prep#2: “Top that? I don’t really give a (uh) about topping that!”
And this is in the midst of other spontaneous musical numbers during the film, like when the hot girls in gym class randomly busted in a song called “I LIKE BOYS!”
It is a statement of Feminism if I’ve ever heard one.. here’s a taste:
I’m throwing out my doll house
I’m giving up my toys
I realized this morning
I like boys
I like boys
I like boys
I like boys
… and I’m not going to lie, it gave me a samurai boner. This is definately one of the most underrated gems of 1980s cinema. If you’ve never seen it, let me know and I’ll watch it with you.
If you’re like me, when you see the words “LIFE” and “TIME” together, you know enough to stop reading there, turn and leave where ever you are as soon as (hu)manly possible. The Lifetime TV Network is the perpetrator of 2 horrible crimes in American culture: #1. making unwatchably bad TV movies/programming (i know that’s pretty bad… but here’s the kicker) made for women! If there is one way to make a TV Movie worse, make it geared towards complacent coach potato women and you’ve got a winner.
and now #2. making unwatchably bad DVD movies. There are more out there like this, but I choose this one because it stars Shannon Elizabeth, the no-talent twit who played the foreign exchange student who, for no reason at all gets naked for the dong-in-pie kid. Speaking of American Pie, Lifetime cleverly chooses the title “Confessions of an American Bride”…
I think if there is another phrase of words strung together that incidates “something Jordan would never want to see” besides “Lifetime Channel Movie”, it’s “Confessions Of An American Bride”. Not only does it star Shannon Elizabeth the worst actress on the planet, if you notice to the side of her there is some cheap Casper Van Dien look-alike (CVD being the best actor on the planet).
Lifetime – will you ever stop making crap?
That’s it for today… but there are several more DVDs out there that are more than worthy my time to expose to the general public, and more than worth your time reading about. so check back, tell your friends, and go to media wave to rent all these fine classics.
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