Home / RIAA Theatre of the Absurd: Shakespeare would be proud

RIAA Theatre of the Absurd: Shakespeare would be proud

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The RIAA lawsuits have resulted in a frenzy of debate. One of the most absurd spin-offs was a recent report that a Digital Millennium Copyright Act lawsuit was filed against keyboard manufacturers. RIAA president Jack Valenti was alleged to have slammed keyboard companies for what is being called “the next thing to armed robbery”, adding that “They even put two of these keys on each model, and make them two or three times as large so you can’t miss it. That’s not incitement to piracy?”

Whether or not this article was a joke, the fact that it was taken seriously shows how absurd this story has become. So I was thinking, what if we ran a contest to see who can come up with the most absurd idea for the Recording Industry. Just think of the possibilities. It could be hilarious. Regardless of what your views are we can have some fun with this. So what do you think? Are you up to the challenge? I think you are. After all – we are “a sinister cabal of superior bloggers.”

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  • BB

    Ok, let’s get the ball rolling here. How about this idea.

    We should all be forced buy computers with digital retina scanners. That way the RIAA can know for certain who to sue!

    I’m certain you can come up with a better one so speak up now or forever hold your peace.

  • The FBI should make a file for and track anyone who purchases blank media.

  • BB

    Hey Chris Arabia, help me out here will ya. I’m drowning! Where’s that razor wit when I need it?

  • Boy, it’s hard to top a lawsuit against keyboard manufacturers!

    But how about this:

    The RIAA today announced that they have files suit again the makers of Jolt Cola and Mountain Dew, as well as against Frito-Lay, makers of Doritos brand snack chips, saying, “It is a well-known fact that hackers live on nothing by Doritos and heavily-caffeinated sodas. It is in these caffeinated stupors that they come up with crazy ideas like file sharing and anonymous networks. That these companies are aware of this and still sell these products, even deliberately marketing them in underground hacker publications like Wired, is clearly contributory infringement.”

    The RIAA spokesperson went on to highlight the benefits of a Vegan diet, as exemplified by Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple and creator of the RIAA-approved iTunes Music Store. Frankly, this reporter left sometime during that rambling lecture on whole grains and whatnot.

  • BB

    YES, I love it!!!

  • Eric Olsen

    Perhaps the RIAA should sue the tobacco and gun industries for producing products that actually kill people, which renders their (the RIAA’s) threats to merely drive people into penury feeble in comparison. Or the RIAA can petition the government to be allowed to make products that DO actually kill people and make DRM subversion a true Game of Death.

  • BB

    It’s time to up the ante on this one. Does anybody know an online merchandiser who would be willing to offer a prize to the winner? For example, how about an mp3 player?

  • how about:

    The RIAA needs to start at the root of the problem. The real problem, quite obviously, is radio. Always has been and always will be. What’s the deal with playing music for free over airwaves? Radio is like the marajuana of illegal music- it’s the gateway to more serious offenses like downloading mp3’s. Pre-teens nationwide are carrying the idea of free music from radio to the internet. This needs to be stopped. The solution? Ban radio.

  • BB

    Excellent! Now we are starting to get somewhere. No wonder they call us “a sinister cabal of superior bloggers”.

  • BB

    Frankly I’m disappointed with the response (or lack thereof) to this post. I was certain this would have taken off. Has this flogged horse finally given up the ghost? Are my fellow blog critics are lacking a sense of humor? Surely that is not the case. No, I cannot accept this. Come, rise to the occasion fellow bloggers and show the world the stuff you are made of!

  • When life itself is more absurd than one an easily bear, it can be difficult to raise the ante. 😉

  • BB

    Phillip, I respectfully disagree 😉

    “Humor is the mask of wisdom” – Friedrich Drrenmatt

    “Humor is also a way of saying something serious” – T. S. Eliot

    “Total absence of humor renders life impossible” – Colette

    “Humor is a rubber sword – it allows you to make a point without drawing blood” – Mary Hirsch

    “Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place” – Mark Twain

    “Humor teaches them tolerance” – W. Somerset Maugham

    “Imagination was given man to compensate for what he is not, and a sense of humor to console him for what he is” – Unknown

    Need I say more?

  • JR

    How about this:

    At birth, every child gets a cochleal implant which registers movement of the bones in the inner ear and logs said motion. Thus, the amount of sound a person listens to can be measured and read out each month by a physician, much like the guy who reads the meter for the electric company. The RIAA then charges people for the amount of sound they “consume” and divies up the money among their royalty artists, which might include not just musicians but actors and movie producers, public speakers, motor vehicle manufacturers (didn’t Harley Davidson try to trademark the sound of their bikes?), wind-chime makers, cuckoo-clock craftsmen, fireworks companies and various facilities that broadcast public address announcements (“The white zone is for loading and unloading only…”)

    Sound is a service, and people should pay for it.

  • BB

    How about taking it one step further? Perhaps the RIAA should patent all of the known senses (plus the rest we don’t yet know)!

    I take it back. You guys really do have a sense of humor after all. Thanks JR for rekindling my faith in the Blog Critics. These are really excellent. Come on people we need more, more!

  • by the way, if it is not clear from the email, i am advocating a complete and permanent boycott of the RIAA and a complete shift to p2p file trading networks.

    this is a copy of an email i sent to the electronic frontier foundation (eff)

    —– Original Message —–
    Sent: Saturday, January 24, 2004 8:18 AM
    Subject: drastic action on riaa lawsuits

    > i have a solution on how to appropriately respond to the excessively unfair lawsuits by the riaa. this is by boycotting the purchase of cd’s from the record companies involved. if this is done in an effective way, it will do more to change the outcome of the lawsuits that anything that happens inside or outside the courtroom. my hope is that this would be the final blow against the record industry who will then finally be forced to change their economic model towards embracing the internet the way it is possible and of most benefit to consumers and society in general. i am trying to publicized this boycott. you are welcome to view my blog at:
    > http://ganga_na.tripod.com/persephone/
    > the latest entry entitled “The Napster Wars” describes my ideas regarding the current industry model and a boycott if the lawsuits ever go forward. my ideal time for going forward with such a boycott is the moment the first judgment is entered against the first person being sued. that would give time to organize and give the whole movement a sense of poetic justice. i am trying to work on this idea with as many organizations as is possible and appropriate. if you are not able to go along with this boycott, that is fine but you may be caught red-faced on the sidelines while it moves forward knowing that you could have participated and made it have even more of an impact. The choice is your but i think you’ ll agree as i do that a boycott of the music industry is the best action to take in retaliation to the riaa lawsuits against consumers.
    > -(~)

  • BB

    Ganga Na there already is an RIAA boycott against the major labels and you can find the info here.