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RIAA Strikes Again!

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PENSACOLA, Fla. – Students here are still stunned after an early morning raid on the dorms at the University of Florida. With all the force and brutality of the Ton Ton Macoute, the RIAA’s team of crack stormtroopers tore through the student housing area. Building after building, room after room they went, liberating 800+ downloaded songs, said a spokesman for the Recording Industry Association of Amerikkka.

19 file sharers were detained in the raid, including 4 who were on the RIAA’s 50 most wanted list. One student was shot & killed after reaching for the Spongebob Squarepants coffee cup on top of his processor. Two more students suffered non-life threatening injuries after being tear-gassed and shot with rubber bullets.

Says student Steve Naylor: “Dude, I was like, uh, just downloading these totally dope assed Reggae jams and burning a fatty down, when these crazy ass looking muthaf**kers came screaming in through the doors & windows. I was just going for my iPod and next thing I knew dude… yeeeaah, this is sure some heavy shit.

Why don’t they go after the real criminals man? Ya know like, uh, the dog walking people who let their mutts dump where they please, Young Republicans and those guys that wear socks with their sandals. It just ain’t right dude, it just AIN’T right.

Those f**kers also destroyed my new bong. It’s gonna be a long spring break…”

The raid which involved over 150 RIAA troops, FBI agents, local authorities and a handful of really pissed off Cub scouts was all part of the RIAA nationwide search for suspected Internet music downloaders. Besides the 800+ songs, the morning raid also netted the RIAA a dozen passwords for free porn sites and freshman Steve Naylors trigonometry homework.

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  • HW Saxton Jr.

    OK,I ain’t Shark but,I thought it WAS
    kinda funny…

  • Shark

    Saxton! I thought it was funny.

    The problem is that contemporary culture has become so insane, it’s HARD to satirize. Except for a few small details, your piece could have been true.

    (Remember when ASCAP went after the Girl Scouts for singing unauthorized campfire songs? THAT’S JUST TOO CRAZY TO MAKE UP.)

    (Another example: Ever seen “Best In Show”? It would have been funnier if they’d made a documentary using real dogshow people being themselves!)

    A satirist needs a world that is just a tad less insane, but I don’t think we’ll see it anytime soon.

    As a matter of fact, if Bush & Co keep up, I’ll be out of business soon.

  • HW Saxton Jr.

    Shark,Thanks much man.I’ve been inspired
    to try to write Satire stuff by reading
    all the great posts you and C Dubya do.
    I know it’s a bit rough around the edges
    and all but heck,I’m a stagehand not
    Jonathan Swift.Keep on Keeping on,amigo.

  • Shark

    Saxton, when I look at my early stuff, I cringe. ewwww. It’s worse that Dave Barry! eeeew.

    It takes practice, practice, decades, decades — well, that and a lot of potsmoke.

    I think Fisher can back me up on this.

    Just Don’t Say No.

  • HW Saxton Jr.

    Shark:”Worse than Dave Barry”… LOL.Man
    that is bad.You obviously got a lot better!You & CW should start an online E zine. Something in the vein of the classic National Lampoon years before PJ
    jumped ship and went(insert the sounds of very violent retching):Republican.

    As Ali Bush & his 40 thieves plunder the
    nation we won’t have anything left but
    our sense of humor anyway by the time
    that they’re done.Might as well laugh,
    it beats the dog sh*t outta crying.