PENSACOLA, Fla. – Students here are still stunned after an early morning raid on the dorms at the University of Florida. With all the force and brutality of the Ton Ton Macoute, the RIAA’s team of crack stormtroopers tore through the student housing area. Building after building, room after room they went, liberating 800+ downloaded songs, said a spokesman for the Recording Industry Association of Amerikkka.
19 file sharers were detained in the raid, including 4 who were on the RIAA’s 50 most wanted list. One student was shot & killed after reaching for the Spongebob Squarepants coffee cup on top of his processor. Two more students suffered non-life threatening injuries after being tear-gassed and shot with rubber bullets.
Says student Steve Naylor: “Dude, I was like, uh, just downloading these totally dope assed Reggae jams and burning a fatty down, when these crazy ass looking muthaf**kers came screaming in through the doors & windows. I was just going for my iPod and next thing I knew dude… yeeeaah, this is sure some heavy shit.
Why don’t they go after the real criminals man? Ya know like, uh, the dog walking people who let their mutts dump where they please, Young Republicans and those guys that wear socks with their sandals. It just ain’t right dude, it just AIN’T right.
Those f**kers also destroyed my new bong. It’s gonna be a long spring break…”
The raid which involved over 150 RIAA troops, FBI agents, local authorities and a handful of really pissed off Cub scouts was all part of the RIAA nationwide search for suspected Internet music downloaders. Besides the 800+ songs, the morning raid also netted the RIAA a dozen passwords for free porn sites and freshman Steve Naylors trigonometry homework.