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Review: Mission to Mars

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Spanky threw-up on my blog, so instead of re-writing my ideas for a manure-powered rocketship, I’ll review a movie I saw in a local cheap theater that plays older flicks.

There comes a time in one’s life in which one goes through a movie-going experience so incredible, so utterly fantastic, so completely earth-shattering that s/he is changed forever. I’m still waiting for that moment, but in the meantime, here is my experience whilst sneaking into, “Mission to Mars.”

The highpoint of the movie occurred when I was lounging about near the concession counter waiting to pounce on an unsuspecting bag of someone else’s popcorn so that I might ‘sample’ a bit. I do have standards, after all, and there ain’t no way I’m paying four bucks for some damnably stale popcorn slathered with some motor oil or whatever the hell that stuff is.

I was growing short of patience when I noticed…her. An attractive lass across the lobby. I gathered up my courage, sucked in my gut, walked up to her and introduced myself. “Greetings!” I shouted in a loud and confident voice. “I hate to name drop, but I’m Bob. You know…like in Mars and sheep and whatnot?”

Before she had a chance to praise me, I found myself inexplicably drawn to heave my heart onto my sleeve.

“Oh, sure, I may not look like much,” I said, tears welling in my bloodshot eyes, “A few scars from an unfortunate accident with an off-brand industrial chemical set my parents bought for me when I was two years old. A bit of a large gut, uncontrollable sweating, perhaps a few ‘alleged’ incidents involving running naked through McDonald’s, eating food randomly from other people’s trays while distracting them by singing the theme from, “The Love Boat” at the top of my lungs, and other disease-related things. I suppose things like this make me unappealing to some.”

“What? You were expecting maybe Leonardo DiCaprio?”

I jumped up and down and began to dance around her, screaming, “Oh, oh oh! Look at me! I’m Leonardo! I’m the hero in some stupid-ass boat movie! OOOH OOOH! Look! I’m Leonardo and I weight 80 pounds soaking wet, yet I play the lead man and I save some chubby girl even though I can’t wipe my own ass without special help!”

I carried on emotionally as tears gushed down my face in a river of righteous indignation. “I’ve had my share of hurt! I may have my problems, but I’m a human being! I’ve got dreams and hopes and aspirations like anyone! Do you not realize it was President Gerald Ford himself who once said, ‘Even we chubby bastards need love as well and hamburgers now and then?’ DON’T YOU?!?

There I was, on my knees, screaming and weeping, when suddenly the girl’s parents came by, gave me a nasty look, grabbed her and took her into “Toy Story 2.”

I gathered myself up, grabbed a bag of popcorn that someone had foolishly left on the counter while tying their shoes, and went in to see, “Mission to Mars.”

It was okay, I guess. Some morons go up in a rocket, drink a lot of Tang, use those little toilets with that crazy blue water in it, and they go to Mars. I think everybody dies, but I don’t remember.

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  • RJ

    Very funny. From what I’ve heard about the movie, your post was probably more entertaining… 😉

  • Chris Kent

    While certainly this plea for help is sad, and I feel truly sorry for Bob (get help man, seriously!), this was listed under the VIDEO category, so therefore I assumed this was a review on a film which usually receives poor reviews. But I am a sucker for bad sci-fi and was looking forward to a nice read. Instead, it’s a painful cry for help – or was this satire? I’m not entirely sure. But if you are going to list this piece of under something, please do so under the right category – perhaps Et Cetera: Vomit Bag?