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Review: Mindhunters (2004)

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“For seven elite profilers, finding a serial killer is a process of elimination. Their own.” Are you a stupid pawn of the movie industry? Do you like to spend money on shiny objects? Then Mindhunters is the movie is for you.

Plot summary: On a remote island, the FBI has a training program for their psychological profiling division, called “Mindhunters”, used to track down serial killers. The training goes horribly wrong, however, when a group of seven young agents discover that one of them is a serial killer, and is setting about slaying the others. Can the few that are left figure out who the killer is in time? Source

Some spoilers are found below, so you can either read on and learn why you shouldn’t see this movie, you can trust me and avoid it, or you can see it and then read on and hit yourself in the head with a closed fist when you agree with me. Your call. You can scroll down and see my ratings of plot and soundtrack etc below if you like.

Anyway, have you seen the movie “Deep Blue Sea”? Its the one about genetically modified sharks who get loose and eat the main characters one after another. As I watched Mindhunters last night I began to draw comparisons to “Deep Blue Sea.” Both movies are staged in isolated areas, both movies involve lavish death scenes, both movies have plots that won’t challenge you (correction, they will challenge you but only in the “this makes no sense” portion of the brain), both movies have LL Cool J, both are directed by Renny Harlin, and both have big stars who die suddenly without warning.

In “Deep Blue Sea” I thought it was great when Samuel Jackson’s character got eaten by the sharks barely a third into the movie. Going in you are thinking, big star, he makes it until the end of the movie. So as a plot device killing him early was a novel idea. That was my initial impression however, then I saw the rest of “Deep Blue Sea” and I began to suspect that Mr. Jackson knew what a craptastic movie he was in and demanded he be cut out.

Enter Mindhunters. Big star gets killed about a 1/3 into the movie. Alarm bells go off and I think, “Is this another ‘Deep Blue Sea’?.” Within about 30 minutes my suspicions were confirmed that indeed, this was another craptastic movie. Other key signs of a craptastic movie are: (1) That people who can solve rubix cubes in under 2 minutes can loose all sense of reason [example: audience thinks “don’t go in there!”, rubix guy goes in there and gets dead]), (2)A room full of phd’s decides to “split up” to try and find the killer [does this work in any movie, all I know is that if I’m in a room with 8 other people and I know one of them is the killer, we are all just going to sit there and do nothing until the calvary comes), (3) Val Kilmers character says has no more than 8 lines, (4) the repeated use of loud noises to scare the audience (more than twice in a movie is cheap [aside: what happened to good scary movies that scared you with their plot? I recommend “The Changeling” for a great scary movie with no gore.]).

For your consideration:

  • Plot: 4/10
  • Acting: 5/10
  • Cinematography: 5/10
  • Soundtrack: 2/10 (played no role)
  • X-factor (LLCoolJ): 2/10
  • Overall: 4/10

Now you may be thinking, I saw “Deep Blue Sea”, and I kinda liked it. Yes, its true, “Deep Blue Sea” had a great X-factor: giant genetically modified killer sharks (GGMKS). Those things are cool. Mindhunters has no X-factor (unless you count the sassiness of LL). Mindhunters is scheduled for release by the end of June. Heed my warnings, don’t see this movie. Soon now, commercials will begin to appear on TV with some guy saying something like “-two thumbs up“, or “-fantastic roller coaster of a ride.” Remember the whole David Manning fiasco? (Recall: fake critic gives rave reviews all the time). Read that article to learn how the studios get their one liners that convince people to see their movies. Hopefully I have convinced some of you not to see this movie, its a stinker, and by seeing it you are just telling the movie industry that you liked it. Save your money.

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