So everybody has weapons of mass destruction, or deception, or delinquency, the world is heating up from confrontation, constipation, and carbon-dioxidification, and we’re stuck in the dark, gloomy, slushy, freezing, dreary season that is awards season, Canada knows which issues to go forward with and solve. Yes, our military couldn’t fend off an attack from Luxembourg, let alone a country with a decent military. Of course, we have a serious homeless problem (or if any IOC members are reading this, Canada has absolutely no homeless problem). And obviously, because of fiscal and social inequalities we have Inuit killing themselves and Newfounlanders making the Quebec separatist movement looking like a whiny child telling their parents they’re going to run away from home, but can’t do much because they’re not allowed to cross the street without their parents permission.
Canada is not a super-fantastic nation. We are no longer the top-ranked country as deemed by the United Nations. We, as Canadians, must do something. We must stand strong and show why the land of the beaver, locked-out hockey players, and the double-double is something that should be admired, nay, we should be something that other nations should be in awe in. So we, as a country, have tabulated what are the three biggest concerns and (some would say greatest threats to the dominion) that the country has ever seen. And they are as followed:
1) Gay Marriage
That’s right, forget the homeless, screw the destitute, let’s leave our borders unguarded because we have to fight these three atrocities right now. Not later, now is the time to act. For if we don’t act right now, we might have MAJOR CONSEQUENCES RESULTING IN THE END OF THE WORLD OR AT LEAST ANOTHER FOUR CRAPPY BEN STILLER COMEDIES!!!
While the dust, or shall I say smoke, has settled quite a bit on this subject, legislators are still pushing for the decriminalization of marijuana…and why shouldn’t they? Marijuana, from the fine people who brought you ‘Pink Floyd’, is an incredible substance that gives you the incapacity of alcohol and the health risks such as cancer and heart disease as cigarettes. There is no real good reason why marijuana should be kept illegal. It’s all evil propaganda made up by the US government, man. I know this because I read it in High Times who, most recently, finally cracked the conspiracy on who killed Martin Luther King, Jr. (or so says David Cross).
You would think that with all the stuff being forced down everybody’s throats concerning the dangers of smoking that people would have a clue about marijuana. Smoking anything is BAD for you, period. Even if you smoke paper, you will eventually do damage to your body. People’s lungs and blood do not like smoke. While it is hard to argue if marijuana does any long-term damage to the nervous system or brain function (just because every week there’s a new study coming up with a new counter-claim for each position), there is no argument that marijuana is just as harmful for you as cigarettes. For the government to currently angle themselves in a position of wanting to ban cigarettes without actually banning them, it’s silly for them to go with the proposal. Is Canada trying to conjure up an image as the hip country in the Western Hizzle? Besides, Inuit children will tell you that sniffing glue is where it’s at. But of course, we don’t care about that. It’s all cold up there in the arctic…and they wear fur. Those bastards!!!
So marijuana is coming in and smoking is on the way out. Two items of interest have popped up. First, Saskatchewan has won an judgment from the Supreme Court of Canada barring depanneurs (convenience stores) from displaying cigarette along the back wall behind the clerk. The “Power Wall” has been deemed too influential in regards that the wall makes kids want to buy cigarettes. You know, it seems to me, if we’re subliminal influence was causing sales to skyrocket, you would think that due to the way everybody in this country is acting, douche would be sold out of pharmacies nationwide.
So you can’t see any cigarettes in Saskatchewan before you buy them, causing people not to want them “out of sight, out of mind” (which is the slogan of anti-tabaccy folks in Saskatchewan). Quebec, not wanting to be out of the spotlight for too long is pushing threw with plans to eliminate smoking in bars (those of the normal and strip variety) and every other public place that smoking wasn’t banned years ago. Before, you could walk into a video store in most places in Montreal and there would be ashtrays in between the rows of shelves. Now, if you’re caught smoking in a public place, you’re treated as you’ve just been on a three-province wide killing spree.
I don’t smoke and I prefer not to hang around smokers, but this is getting ridiculous. While I have no problem that any place where minors are allowed to go into, whether it be a fast-food restaurant, department store, or a sporting facility, should not allow smoking; I believe that any place that restricts access to minors should be allowed to do whatever they want in regards to cigarettes. It should be up to the proprietor if they want to allow people to smoke. People who are smoking will not be doing any damage to anyone who is not old enough to fully comprehend the consequences of hanging around second-hand smoke. If you’re over eighteen and you have a problem with a club that allows smoking, go somewhere else. Or, if you’re really ambitious, get smoking banned from all places. What’s next, people are going to have to start breathing from their mouths because sometimes through their nose can be quite loud and cause either ear damage or brain damage due to annoying noises emitting from the person sitting in back of you on the bus. What I’m trying to say is blow your nose…and, so help you God if you decide to sneeze on the back of me.
But forget about marijuana and cigarettes. Those issues are up in smoke compared to the biggest, largest problem that Canada has ever had to face: two people getting married…as compared to two people having a public ceremony in which they declare their love to one another (which is completely different). This situation is so volatile that we may go to a quick election over it. A couple of days ago our PM Paul Martin (which, with each passing day, I’m beginning to think that it stand for Principle Moron) said that he would was considering taking the issue of gay marriage to election. Licking his chops, opposition leader Stephen Harper couldn’t have been reached for comment quick enough when he essentially told Martin something along the lines of…BRING IT ON!!!!!! ARAAAGGGGGHHHH!!! (I may be exaggerating a bit).
This is because Harper isn’t stupid. While virtually all of Canada have no real problem with two people of the same sex doing the hippity-dippity and most don’t have a problem with gay civil unions, a good size more than half are against two gay people getting married, most of which cite religious conflictions. And while the Liberals along with the New Democrats and the Bloc Quebecois in favour of gay marriage, the Conservatives are the only party that is staunchly against gay marriage. So, if you do the math, if we were to go election and this was the key issue, the Conservatives would prolly win.
So when the statisticians finally told Martin the obvious facts, he recinded his bold and confident statement, and said that a free vote within the House of Commons is not a confidence vote, and if he and his government were to lose the vote, the government would not fall. Damn, because I really hate Paul Martin. I mean, I really hate Stephen Harper too…and I think NDP leader Jack Layton should be doing something more than preaching the virtues of a healthy diet, which he seems to be doing a lot of recently. If an election were to be held today, I’d vote Bloc…but since the Bloc Quebecois only runs in Quebec, there’s no chance than Gilles “Where the cheese at, tete-carre?” Duceppe has no chance at all of winning.
So, in summary, with all these really non-important problems taking over the headlines in Canadian press and the lack of a Canadian military to stop anyone, I’m begging Luxembourg: please invade us. We’re good people and I’d be willing to learn Luxembourgese. Please, pretty please? Dear God, just put us out of our misery, or put hockey back on TV or an episode of CSI; that’ll keep us distracted from those crack-heads in Ottawa.Powered by Sidelines