The past year has been rather messy, and I wonder at times if I am losing my mind. I know that I have a lot of character flaws and that the lifestyle I lead is unbalanced, but I can't seem to make myself change things for the better. Actually, I'm backsliding instead. I am restless and distracted when I should be concentrating on my work. And I fear that instead of becoming a more open person, I have become more and more of a misanthrope.
I understand that I need to concentrate, get out more, and lead a more balanced life – but understanding is different from doing. I don't mean to say that I haven't done anything, but maybe I'm not trying hard enough? I don't know. While I am aware the transition into adulthood can be tumultuous, it feels right now like I'm on a path of self-destruction. And I'm just not snapping out of it. Any ideas?
It sounds as if a stern lecture and some kind of kick in the ass would be inside your comfort zone. And if you were having a Saturn transit, this is exactly what I would offer you, but this is not the case. Instead you’re having a Neptune transit, which invariably brings confusion and an inability to focus.
Imagine being tossed in the middle of ocean and it’s just as you describe. You mean to get to the beach, to solid ground… but you just can’t go against these enormous forces. How deep is the ocean, anyway? And you’re just this little girl out there… watching other people on the beach walk a straight line, while you remain disabled.
So the first thing to know is this is not permanent. Things will begin to clarify early next year. And one of the things about being 19 is you generally just don’t have enough years on the planet to put these things in perspective.
By that I mean, at 19 there is an idea that life ought to go in a straight line, when this is simply not the case. People are waylaid all the time. They are sidetracked. They are tossed from the game, and have to sit out a round or two, for various reasons. They get ill. They get drunk. Their husbands leave their “perfect” marriage. They slip on the sidewalk and crack their head! You get the idea. And this is where you’re at. You were walking a straight line on the beach and the tide came.
And now you’re in a period where you are doing self-destructive things. You’re flailing. And the way to stop flailing is to stop flailing. And I know this sounds strange, but I think in the end, you will find that I am quite right about this.
You have to quit thrashing around. Instead look for a gentle solution. Instead of fighting all this water, lie back and let it carry you. You need to let the tide do the work. Let the universe do the work. Your work is to submit. And I realize this may be a terrifying but it’s really one of the best things this world has. Magic, that is. Coincidence, synchronicity, etc. Because it’s while you’re out there in the water, off your beaten path that you are most likely to collide with the someone or something that changes your life forever.
So just try to muster up some faith, because down the road, I imagine you will see clearly how this transit in your life enhanced you. Saved you, even. Take care and good luck.
pictured – Neptune Calming the Waves, 1737, Marble, Musée du Louvre, Paris