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Remakes we never want to see

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From Emerald City, some remakes that would be counter-subversive, and perhaps boring:

– a remake of Dune in which all mention of Spice is removed to avoid encouraging drug use

– a remake of Barbarella in which our heroine is demurely dressed at all times and never so much as kisses anyone

– a remake of I, Robot in which all of our metal friends are totally law-abiding

– a remake of Jurassic Park in which attempts to clone dinosaurs fail because those fossils were only God having a joke to test our faith

– a movie of V for Vendetta in which the hero helps the government fight terrorists – no, wait, isn’t that being done?

Some more:

– a remake of Harry Potter where all the kids are petulant brats

– a remake of the Godfather where the Corleones have the best pizza business in the five boroughs

– a remake of Lord of the Rings called “Lord of Bling Bling”, where Frodo must destroy the One Ring of the Lord of Bling-Bling

– a remake of the Titanic where the ship is saved because the iceberg melts due to the Ozone Hole

– a remake of Finding Nemo where just as Marlin reaches Sydney, he is killed by an oil spill

– a remake of Catch-22, where just as Yossarian finally figures a way out, he is re-enlisted by the new Stop-Loss policy

Any more?
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About aacool

  • http://selfaudit.blogspot.com Aaman

    Duke, any contributions from you – reminds me of your Face-offs post:)

  • http://blogcritics.org/author.php?author=Cerulean Cerulean

    It would really suck if, instead of making real movies, all the studios just did sequels, remakes, and movies based on comic books and TV series. It would suck even more if they turned up the sound in the theaters so it hurt your ears, showed commercials, charged outrageous prices for tickets and popcorn. It’s a good thing they would never do that because if they did, it would probably make box office grosses go down and leave them hurting, possibly signally the beginning of the end of their industry.

  • http://victorplenty.blogspot.com Victor Plenty

    Would a Lord of Bling-Bling have just one ring?

    Excellent post, Aaman, and an excellent commentary from Cerulean.

    Yep, we’re sure lucky Hollywood would never do any of those things.

  • http://selfaudit.blogspot.com Aaman

    Somehow it feels that Hollywood does only what Cerulean describes, at least in the summer.

    More contributions…

  • Shark

    Remakes we never want to see:

    Psycho
    F Troop
    The Flintstones
    Bewitched
    Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
    The Dukes of Hazzard
    The Bad News Bears
    The Longest Yard
    the… the… the…

    uh… uh… oh, wait…

    NEVERMIND.

  • Nancy

    ROTFLOL! Granted that there’s nothing new under the sun, still and all you’d think Hollywood could come up with SOMETHING halfway original, instead of all piling on in hopes of duplicating the success of the original. As BB would say, ‘what a bunch of maroons’.

  • http://selfaudit.blogspot.com Aaman

    - a remake of Psycho where she’s killed in the shower and then kept on life support for 10 years

  • http://selfaudit.blogspot.com Aaman

    This really happened:

    A remake of the Korean “The Eye” ran into rough weather in India, because eye doctors protested, saying it would turn people off eye transplants if they saw the film, which deals with the memories and psychic powers of the previous owner being transferred to the transplantee

  • Nancy

    Mr. Ed
    …maybe we shouldn’t give them ideas….

    On the other hand, I could really go for remakes – GOOD ones, that is – of Gone w/the Wind & the Wizard of Oz – as long as they don’t cast Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, or any of the vapid horde of blonde twit actresses who are Big at the moment.

  • http://selfaudit.blogspot.com Aaman

    the Wizard of Oz remake would never get made, because of all the special interests who would be offended at the portrayals of people ‘less normal’ than the ‘rest of us’

  • Nancy

    No – they could use special effects! Just think of how the ‘new’ flying monkeys would turn out! Shazzam!

  • Leon

    Every movie thats ever been remade has no other purpose but to make money. For example “Planet of the Apes” is classic now why would tim burton want to touch that. Simple, the lowest thing any producer or director could do is try to cash out on a movie that he loved when growing up. The only problem he had with the movie was that he had no part in the original whatsoever and felt like he need it to put his name in it. Come on. Is hollywood running out of ideas? Are there no more novels left to make movies out of? Is Hollywood’s imagination running dry? if thats the case, even porn movies are getting a little repeative. Its sad because, Tim did it again with “Charlie and the chocolate factory” I rather wanted to see a sequel than a remake.

  • Taloran

    My family recently watched both “Seven Samurai” and “The Magnificent Seven” back to back… now, THAT was a remake worth making!

  • http://victorplenty.blogspot.com Victor Plenty

    Too bad a Wizard of Oz remake wasn’t done about five years ago. Young Natalie Portman, immediately after shooting wrapped on The Phantom Menace, could have been a great Dorothy.

    Maybe she could still star in it. She’s not visibly all that much older.

    Then again I haven’t heard her sing, so I may slightly too optimistic. On the other hand, the remake doesn’t necessarily have to be a musical. And of course, it’ll probably never happen anyway, just as Aaman says, so no worries.

  • Jonny

    I’d love to see a none musical remake of the wizard of oz. I just think they could do so much with the effects available today. I mean the emerald city would look fantastic, so much they could do, probably will happen one day or at least I hope so.

  • http://victorplenty.blogspot.com Victor Plenty

    By some standards, The Wiz was a non-musical remake of Oz. It depends on what you think qualifies as music.

    (Disco Stu doesn’t advertise.)

  • DonRamon

    Something original for Oz? Besides the Muppet movie version?

    How ’bout…a FARTING version of the Wizard of Oz where everybody FARTS the tunes out instead of singing ‘em. Great idea if that louse Madonna gets the part as the Wicked Whore of the East and Britney Spears plays LOLITA from Kansas.