Sometimes a story just haunts you. You try not to write about it, but it keeps popping back up in your mind. You decide, “If I only do more research on it, I will realize there is nothing there and move on.” You read more on the topic and find it keeps getting better and better. Now you have no choice. You must write the story and lower your standards.
I feel so dirty doing this, but these people are just so damn stupid, I cannot help it.
This is the tale of Chelsea Carr and Mark McIntosh. Chelsea is 17 and Mark is 34. I think that is their IQ’s and not their ages. These are quite possibly the worst criminals in the history of world justice.
They are under arrest and facing felony charges of armed robbery for holding up a second-hand clothing store called Underground Clothing in Ann Arbor, Michigan on August 6th of this year. Their robbery is a step-by-step manual for writing a crime caper.
On Friday, August 4th, our bumbling idiots entered Underground Clothing to buy some clothes. She shopped around, tried on shoes, and picked out a few things. She asked the sales clerk to place the items on hold and gave her name and phone number.
Mark appeared drunk to the clerk the entire time and eventually got into the clerk’s face, then bought a tee-shirt. The couple left and that was just another weird encounter for the clerk. They happen. I used to work sales and the people you meet are usually freaks in one way or another.
After not seeing the freak show duo all of Saturday, the clerk decided to call the number. Chelsea answered the phone and told him they would be there later to buy the clothes. They showed up around seven and immediately Mark took out his gun and demanded all the cash. It was a whopping $60. Then Chelsea entered and the two began “shopping.” They filled up six bags with various crap over their 45-minute spree. Then it got weird.
Mark told the clerk to get on his knees. The clerk did. Mark told Chelsea to get on her knees. Chelsea did. Mark told Chelsea to… how can I put this in a decent way? Mark told Chelsea to ease the tension of the moment or else he would be killing the clerk. She relived the tension in a monstrous two minutes (you stud) and they left.
While no criminal mastermind, I can think of a couple of things they maybe should not have done, the first being the big, obvious one: never rob a store you shop at. I mean of course the sales clerk will know you if you shop there. If he doesn’t know you, never give him your name and number if you are planning on robbing the place. The key to not being caught is for no one to know you did it. If you give them your name and number, it is safe to assume they will know it is you.
Let’s say you have already started the robbery and it happens to be a store you have shopped at before and you sort of gave them your name and number, what do you do now? Well, you are screwed to be honest. You are a really bad criminal and probably should try for a Darwin Award, but not right now.
Right now you must hope that confusion will make the victim not think straight when questioned. Maybe if you leave quickly he will just forget who exactly did it in his panic. The key to this is not to do anything memorable. Do nothing that would cause the clerk to say to himself, “You don’t see that everyday.”
Top of the nothing-memorable list is no fellatio during armed robbery! I cannot stress this one enough. Do not celebrate the robbery’s success until after the robbery. There stands a really good chance that the clerk will mentally note a guy with a gun holding him up while some underage girl has a dental hold on his crotch. That really is something a person cannot help but take note of. I would probably start the story off with that if it happened to me.
“So this guy was getting a blow job in my store while he was robbing me.”
Needless to say, the two of them are under arrest for armed robbery and Mark is also charged with indecent exposure. While that was probably the last blow job he gets for quite a while, I am pretty sure this story will make him very popular in prison and he will be giving plenty.
Poor stupid, dumb, moronic, doltish, horny, probably inbred criminal: at least he made me laugh my ass off. I think I forgot to mention in the beginning it was a comedy crime caper.