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Red Sox Fans, It’s My Fault.

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Dear Sox Fans,

It’s time to relax a bit about this whole Yankees playoff loss thing. Don’t blame Grady. Don’t blame Pedro. Blame me.

That’s right. I was asking for too much this year. Since all of you exist in my world, you and the Red Sox have fallen because of my greediness. I simply forgot that one of my teams won it all already this year. The Syracuse Orangemen took the NCAA Tourney in April and that was it… it’s very rare that you get more than one opportunity to win in a year unless you hop bandwagons like a horny tuba player with a pack of condoms. I am not sure how I could have gotten our collective hopes up. For that I am sorry.

I promise next year to focus solely on the Red Sox. Not the Buffalo Bills or Sabres… nor the LA Clippers… not even the Bossier City Battle Wings… just the Red Sox.

Also, I think you should know that God is not a baseball fan, so you can tell all the players to stop pointing skyward after each big hit or great catch.

How do I know?

Being on a first name basis, I asked him last night for a few favors.

“Jimbo,” I said because that is his first name (not a lot of folks know that God’s first name is Jim, let alone are able to call him “Jimbo”), “let Trot hit a homer. He always said you help him. Show me what a fan you are.”


The same went for Mueller and Mirabelli.

I swear I never mentioned Aaron Boone to Jimbo. The only utterance I said involving the name “Boone” was “It’s too bad Grady Little sounds like he is chewing on Sammy Davis Jr.’s glass eye when he speaks… he has no chance to be a color commentator… well, then again he at least does speak more than Brett Boone.”

The silver lining in this dark cloud is that I have my evenings back to do whatever I please. Even better though, Fox doesn’t. Honestly, it couldn’t have happened to a nicer bunch of Right-Wingers! They are stuck with the Yankees and the Marlins… and 4000 more promos for Skin.

I don’t think anyone outside of NYC and Miami cares about that series now.. probably not even the tuba player. People really wanted the Cubs and Red Sox. I know I don’t care. I think I am done with baseball until the Spring.

Yours in collective sorrow,
Big Bri

PS: Go Marlins.

*This article appeared today on

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About Brian Lewandowski

  • Eric Olsen

    Thanks for owning up, solipsist!

  • Big Bri

    We thank you.

  • Taloran

    I’m going to miss those Old Navy commercials with Fran Drescher. Those were super!

  • Craig Lyndall

    At least they didn’t have her talking.

  • Eric Olsen

    If I see anther promo for Skin…

  • Tom Johnson

    It’s not her talking that bothers me – not as much as her honking. Oops, I meant “laughing.”

    Have I told you all how I hate Old Navy SO MUCH for their horrible commercials that I have vowed to never, ever set foot in one again? I’ve been in an Old Navy once . . . ONCE, and I feel all slimy for having done even that.

    Well, now I have told you.

  • Eric Olsen

    And then there’s the promos for Skin…

  • Big Bri

    Say, doesn’t Fox have some new show coming on called Skin?

  • Tom Johnson

    You mean this?

  • Eric Olsen


  • Chris Arabia

    and that announcer who says “woh woh, oui oui” during the promo for joe millionaire goes eurotrash, and the blond who says “he’s rich” should both be forced to have sex with don zimmer.

  • Taloran

    I’m proud to say I’ve never set foot in an Old Navy store and never will, and strongly suggest that my wife never shop there. This is an “Old Navy Free” household.

  • Tom Johnson

    You make me proud, Taloran.

  • Taloran

    That Fran Drescher commercial made me pine for the old ones with Morgan Fairchild and that hideous old bag with the owl glasses.

  • Eric Olsen

    The Fran commercial made me pine for Mannequin 2 – that’s entertainment

  • Eric Olsen

    or maybe it was 1

  • Big Bri

    I think you mean “Mannequin 3 – 3D”

    Tagline: So three-dimensionally lifelike that they don’t move!

  • Natalie Davis

    Actually, I miss the old lady; she was Carrie Donovan, a Vogue editor for years. Sadly, she died recently.

    And (ducking) I can’t wait to see “Skin.” I’m a big fan of Kevin Anderson, the actor who plays the D.A. and father of the boy in the central star-crossed romance storyline. (You might remember Anderson as the gorgeous priest in the late (and still passionately lamented by many) drama “Nothing Sacred.” I don’t care about the Romeo & Juliet BS (and despise the promos), but I hear the battles between Anderson and Ron Silver (the porn kind and father of “Juliet”) are great.

    Gotta focus on something now that both the Sox and Cubbies have made the World Series unwatchable.