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Really Bad Promo Copy

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From the archives of the "To Read Makes Our Speaking English Good" Department here at the Indie Round-Up, we present these promotional blurbs from some of the musical artists and music services that have come to our attention.

Musical talent doesn't necessarily require facility with the written word – we understand that. Still, we can make fun of these folks, because their fabulous phrasings were submitted in official press releases or biographies, and written by people whose native language is, presumably, English.

Nevertheless, the band and company names have been changed to protect the stupid.

"Exploding onto the music scene, this amazing new guitarist is storming the industry and catching the music world on fire."

"Barrie, Ontario, Canada hasn't been and still remains an unknown entity when it comes to hip hop venues."
(Hm… nor will it have expected to becoming one upon the future, I guess…)

"Horse Pickle Entertainment, as created and launch a new website to better help unsigned artist and bands of all genres types to promote and sell there music."
(Translated by a computer from the Chinese? I wish. Amazingly, you can actually figure out what they mean. And what a fascinating, original idea it is, too.)

"Once again Big Stomp Gargoyles, the band of illegal rock combatants is embarking on a mission to spread their word by trudging westward to create awareness of who they are and what they represent."

"As the landscape of music is carved throughout time, the work born solely to contribute to that progression is something to be appreciated."

"This record hearkens the classic rock sounds while giving it a kiss of modern sounds that fans of music young and old can get into."

"The band's unique sound unraveled in the studio as their fresh songs were warmed to a timeless glow by vintage sensibility."

"While her years on this earth are few, the directions in which her life has traveled are many aiding in her ability to possess her varying musical personalities."

"I believe our strident career choices have helped us to succeed outside within the industry's new paradigm."

From an indie label: "We are driven to succeed on our own terms and bring new texture to the bland pourage that is the pop music soundscape."

And finally, this modest jewel:

"Carmine Garbanzo is making a name for himself with a songwriting and performance style that's definitely listener-focused."

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About Jon Sobel

Jon Sobel is an Executive Editor of Blogcritics as well as lead editor of the Culture & Society section. As a writer he contributes most often to Culture, where he reviews NYC theater; he also covers interesting music releases. He writes the blog Park Odyssey, for which he is visiting and blogging every park in New York City—over a thousand of them. Through Oren Hope Marketing and Copywriting you can hire him to write or edit whatever marketing or journalistic materials your heart desires. By night he's a working musician: lead singer, songwriter, and bass player for Whisperado, a member of other bands as well, and a sideman.
  • http://marksaleski.com Mark Saleski

    …is making a name for himself with a songwriting and performance style that’s definitely listener-focused

    c’mon jon, somebody didn’t really write that!!??

    yer killin’ me! ;-)

  • http://jonsobel.com Jon Sobel

    All true, Mark – and I’m glad you took the time to read my article, because it was, after all, reader-focused.

  • http://theglenblog.blogspot.com Glen Boyd

    Can somebody please tell me what this actually means:

    “The band’s unique sound unraveled in the studio as their fresh songs were warmed to a timeless glow by vintage sensibility.”

    Unraveled? Warmed to a vintage glow by timeless sensibility?

    Too freakin’ funny.

    -Glen

  • http://theglenblog.blogspot.com Glen Boyd

    And here I am wondering why none of these people seem to want to hire me…

    -Glen

  • http://donaldgibson.blogspot.com/ Donald Gibson

    “[We] bring new texture to the bland pourage that is the pop music soundscape.”

    New textures of bland, can’t wait to hear ‘em!