Rachael Ray has grown from cooking show host to full-blown media icon. She now has four shows on the Food Network (30 Minute Meals, $40 a Day, Inside Dish, Tasty Travels), over 10 cookbooks, a new magazine, and plans for her own daytime talk show via the unlimited powers of Oprah. Now this is not the first time someone has grown to have such sway over the masses. After all, if the aforementioned Oprah mentions how soothing a certain bath tissue is when she has chafe-ass, that brand would be sold-out across America the next day. In the case of Ray however, there is evidence that something much more devious is unfolding. That’s right; I am talking about the Apocalypse. Beyond the perky persona and frantic body language, the signs are all there.
RR mentions extra-virgin olive oil gratuitously on her show, but always refers to it as E.V.O.O. Now you might say “So what, stupid!? What’s wrong with saving time with shortcuts?” Well first of all, there is no reason to be rude, and second, I have discovered that E.V.O.O. is actually a reference to EVOO, the five-headed beast of the apocalypse. With every utterance, she is actually invoking a ritual to summon the creature into our world. I present this ancient druidic cave drawing as proof.
(Ah, those druids. Even in ancient times, man was capable of such stunning depiction.)
RR is also known to chant certain other phrases such as “Yum-O!” and “That’s Delish!” She also uses extreme hand gestures when she talks. Are these phrases more demonic spells? Are these hand movements somehow part of the ultimate ritual to dominate our minds? No, in this case she is just annoying. One theory is that she consumed the soul of Barney and absorbed his powers.
Even fans of hers admit that when they attempt to replicate her “30 minute meals,” it ends up taking much longer to complete, up to two hours. This can be explained by the fact that Rachael Ray films all of her shows from her 7th lair of hell. As we all know, time moves much slower in hell so as to properly torture the damned. This provides Ray the ability to accomplish a lot more in what translates to only a half hour of our earthly time. It also saves money since one doesn’t need to pay a gas bill when your cook top is powered by anguish pumped directly from the River of Souls.
RR’s full name is Rachael Domenica Ray which I have discovered to be an anagram for her true being. First of all we can extract the word “Demon” which leaves us with RachaelicaRay. This can only be rearranged into one word that holds any meaning: Chyarlaaaaeic, a dark and powerful name that could be pronounced only by the wicked tongues of devils and their worshipers. So the Demon, Chyarlaaaaeic, shall be the final form of our destructor. I remember the form she took the last time she attempted to unmake the world and honestly I don’t think she put a lot of work into disguising herself.
Now you might say “How dare you imply that Rachel Ray is fat! Just because she looks like she is made out of hotdog meat is no reason to pick on her! Asshole!” In response I must say, people have been calling God old for millennia and yet you are going to get on my case for calling the devil fat? And also, that is the second time you have been rude to me. If you do it again I am kicking you out of my head.
What concerns me the most is how she is becoming less and less concerned with hiding her true motives. For example, after the success of her book 365: No Repeats, she released a follow-up titled 666 Ways to Flay the Human Soul. She has also started to suggest using goat’s blood as a substitute for chicken stock and has started vomiting up dog corpses and leaving them as tips on $40 a Day. And, if you want photographic evidence, here she is gleefully burning some clocks, a clear message that “our time is running out.”
If none of my evidence has convinced you that we shall face the end at the chubby hands of Chyarlaaaaeic, then get it straight from the demon’s mouth as I interview Rachael Ray:
Exhibit Poop: The Interview
Me: Thanks for taking the time to talk with me, Rachael.
Rachael Ray: Thanks for having me. *giggle*
Me: Now let’s get right down to it. Are you the antichrist?
RR: I SHALL DRINK YOUR BRAINS AND CRUSH YOUR SKULL UNDER MY MIGHTY CLOVEN HOOF!
Me: So, that’s a yes?
RR: YOUR SOUL WILL BE VANQUISHED TO THE ETERNAL GARBAGE BOWL!
Me: A yes or no will do.
RR: YOUR TRAVELS THROUGH THE SEVEN CIRCLES OF HELLFIRE WILL NOT BE TASTY ONES! I PROMISE YOU THAT!
Me: I really just–
RR: IN THE TIME IT TAKES YOU TO LOSE ALL BLADDER AND BOWEL I WILL HAVE MADE A DELICIOUS MEAL OUT OF YOUR WILL TO LIVE!
Me: Ok, that’s all the time we have.
Now, you may decide that I just made this entire thing up. You may ask, “Why should I believe any of this?” Well let me answer your question with a question…and a statement….and then an exclamation. Look closely at this face and tell me: Where have you seen that smile before? I dare you to tell me that’s not the face of evil. The time of Chyarlaaaaeic is upon us!
If you hate Rachael Ray, here is a community where you can share your thoughts.