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Quartering Martha

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Behold Martha Stewart, American Icon, NYSE Symbol of Women Gone Wild, as in ‘wild success.’ She went up, we cheered. She came down, we cheered louder.

Success in this country is a lot like the WWF. Vicious and rigged, cast with people we love to hate, cartoons that can’t get hurt, celebrities celebrated for stumbling into the public arena where anything goes and nothing’s off limits.

This afternoon a jury of Martha’s peers — as if she has any — found her guilty on all four counts on insider trading, but the real verdict came long ago: Martha’s a known bitch who deserves whatever she gets because Martha’s a known bitch.

The bitch is spayed and will no longer have the run of the house. The house will suffer for it. Those who laugh at the jokes about Martha adding homey touches to her prison cell might want to think about this: It could be you.

You get a tip, your stock’s about tank. Who do you call? The police, your attorney or your broker?

Think Martha’s a bitch? Which Martha? The character, the businesswoman, the brand name, the logo, the magazine, the tv show, the clothing line, the home furnishings, or the real person underneath it all — is that the one we’ve been instructed to call a bitch?

Because I refuse. I’m tired of these public trials, floggings, executions and stonings. I’m sick of seeing justice strut around the barnyard so cock-sure of itself, sick of these cock-peckin’ prosecutors preying on high-profile people in order to send a great big message, which is mostly about themselves and future public office.

They say she’s guilty, she’s guilty: hope she learns from it. But to dismiss Martha Stewart as a bitch is a mode of character assassination that is easy to replicate in a windy public forum.

When Martha Stewart is weighed alongside her many substantial achievements, it seems incredible that anyone would buy into this “bitch” characterization. Bitch is such a round-about lamer than “lame” gender-derisive, borderline but edgy nearly n-word that’s too old to have a definition anymore, the way “cool” no longer has a definition.

Martha taught me how to make muffins, if only in my mind, but mental muffins are to me far better than the real thing: less work, less fattening.

Let us now praise those whose heads have cracked beneath the folding chairs of brutes, and as they are dragged from the arena, let us stand at least in silence.

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About CW Fisher

  • Eric Olsen

    Good job CW, I get no pleasure out of this at all. None of this would have happened if she wasn’t who she was. It’s a victory for no one other than the prosecutor, who gets the notch in his belt.

  • Shark

    “Oh my, Sam is dumping his stock?! (pauses to listen) Their drug won’t be approved? (pauses to listen) Oh my! What should I do? (pauses to listen) Yes, well, I could sell, but… hey, wouldn’t that be insider trading? (pauses to listen) Yes, it probably would be. Oh well. How much money could I possibly lose? (pauses to listen) Fifty, sixty grand? Aw, that’s chump change. I’m a billionaire. I think I’ll just hold on to my stock, weather this, and see what happens. No big deal. I don’t want to do anything illegal or unfair.”


    I returned a $10 bill I found lying on the counter at Krispy-Kreme the other day. The clerk tried to give it back to me. I said “No.” Then she tried to give me the change for my coffee. I said, “No, that’s not mine. I found it by your register.”

    I’m unemployed. I have a family. I have bills. I could use some free coffee and $8.23 in change.

    My point?


    PS: I’m a bitch, but I’ve also got INTEGRITY.


  • Shark

    I might also add that the most valuable lesson in life is the importance of saying “No” at the right time.

  • Shark

    On a lighter note (yall can steal this)


    Martha has a lot of experience serving.


  • Roger

    Martha deserves the same treatment as other executives and high-profile people. Maybe even more harsh because of her fucking greed. It’s is on record from not only her daughter but from other aquaintences that is a certified ruthless smart ass bitch. She has been running over people all of her life. I’m just glad that 8 of the 12 jurors were female as was the judge.

    I to had a similar situation as the Krispy Kreme story above. I had only $6 dollars left out of a Ten dollar bill after getting some milk at Kroger with two days left before pay day. When I got my change I realized that a Twenty was stuck between the other bills. I returned the money and as a result received $10 in free groceries and maybe saved the cashiers job.

  • I too found a Krispy Kreme on the floor at Kroger. It tried to giver it to the cashier but she insisted it was mine, so I threw it in her cash register and got arrested.

    She “scapegoat” and wait for your turn.

  • Then I found some typos on the floor. I threw them in too. I await your judgement, critical bloggers. Do me like the dog I am.

  • Stewart was not charged with insider trading. She could have eased out of the crimes she was charged with with a plea bargain that might not have required the chance of any prison time. The case is a monument to her stubbornness, and perhaps, her inability to believe she could have done anything wrong.

  • Eric Olsen

    You are right about that, MD, I just a few analyses of the case and all the lawyers said she could have just confessed early on, said she was sorry, paid a fine, and been on her merry way. Stringing it out as far as it would go, then calling only one witness and not bothering to take the stand to speak for herself, all turn out to be bad moves.

  • Shark

    Now the question is will she ditch the appeal, admit guilt, and apologize publicly? She could probably avoid problems down the road, as most Americans are pretty forgiving to people who fess up and grovel.

    I don’t think she’ll do it, but we’ll see.

    PS: FisherKing, don’t drink booze and try to type. It worked for Faulkner, but has rarely worked for me.

  • Shark, da fish don’t drink. Diva, you’re smarter than me. Thanks. Eric, Diva needs a raise. Howard Stern, shut up, you baby. Oh, wrong story.

  • BB

    I admit that I haven’t followed this story very closely. Celebrities just don’t do it for me so I’m certainly no expert critic on the case. BUT who’s to say what sort of deal she could have copped at the beginning? None of us were privy to the meetings and if the prosecutor was really bent on nailing a celeb for his trophy room then perhaps just an apology and fine wasn’t in the cards? I’ve met more DA’s than I care to remember who were like that. Now where’s that Krispy Kreme?

  • Paul James

    I’m right there with you Fishy, feeling guilty about the brotherhood woopin’ up on the sisterhood which ‘aint cool in any hood. Where was Oprah in all of this? Why didn’t Dianne Sawyer step in as the stunt double for “walking out of courtrooms in slow motion”. I am as ashamed of the sisterhood as I am guilty about the brotherhood. Too many women sprinted across the playground and started pointing and laughing at Martha, just to prove how “morally outraged” they were.

    After all, this whole thing has been about sex. OK, not really sex (even though it got this page a web hit), it is about gender. I think CW’s line of “the bitch has been spayed” was probably spoken by the backroom dealing, mafiaso suit-wearing, smug as a bug prosecuting attorney.

    He said, “Joe American can now invest with confidence”. What mutual fund has he been smoking? After these past few years so full of multi-million dollar corporate scandals that I can’t even remember them all, I am supposed to give a big pat on the back to these gumshoes spending (how much taxpayer money) to rid our streets of the scourge called “Martha”? Just how confident should “Josephine America” be feeling right now? Well, I feel so much better! Here is that 10 grand I was holding because I was afraid to invest it with the likes of “her” running around loose. Please take it and invest it in that mutual fund that is being highly recommended by that broker who also happens to work for the company that manages the fund.

    What Martha did wrong was that she made both men and women feel inadequate. I have become to immune to those effects due to the constant live-virus vaccinations I receive for it, but I could see it in everyone’s eyes. She can do anything that any woman can do, only she can (or could) make money doing it (don’t go there). She was making the money that belonged to men (several of them in fact) and she had to be stopped! If her name had been Robert or Bobby or Bob Stewart, this would have never gotten past Go.

    For a real goose-bumpy moment, remember that “this story” has been the top story for most “news” organizations in this country. Geez, I just had one of those “took a tablespoon of Nyquil” body shakes.

  • Shark

    How about that CBS “journalist” Rita Braver?

    Where is she? Living in a well-catered, televised nightmare, very near the second-tier of Dante Image Marketing Consultant’s version of Hell.

    Braver thought she would be in on a historic moment, high-fiveing the Domestic Diva as she rang the opening bell at the NYSE. She stood by her pal and tossed hot, truffle-flavored croissants and OmniMedia baseball hats into the crowd. And the cameras rolled.

    Oh, pride cometh before a … what’s the rest?

    Little did she know she was going to be part of a historic, eternal CNN/MSNBC tape loop looking like a pig caught with her snoot in the designer cookie jar. She might as well have been filmed dancing a ‘victory jig’ with Hitler. She’s now in the same ‘celebrity’ category as Jack Ruby, caught on film playing second fiddle to Evil Incarnate. Herman Goering smiled like that when he told Adolf that Poland had folded like an accordian stepped on by a drunk female bavarian weight-lifter.

    Watch who ya trample on your way to the top…. because… oh, we so rarely get to finish that sentence…

    Let’s just take a moment and revel in it, shall we?

    Run that tape again.