Home / Puddle of Suss: “Supreme Decision”

Puddle of Suss: “Supreme Decision”

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(Tense music.)

With the resignation of Supreme Court justice Sandra Day O’Donnor, President George W. Bush was faced with the decision of nominating a new justice. His dilemma was solved with the nomination of John Roberts. (Roll footage of John Roberts smiling slight to the right of the camera)

But it didn’t stop there. (Abrupt music pause.)

(Footage of Chief Justice William Rehnquist’s funeral, somber music follows)

The death of William Rehnquist left another void in America’s Hall of Justice. And President Bush will again have to make …

… the SUPREME DECISION. (Cue graphic of fiery logo) (Cue Van Halen’s Right Now)

President Bush will nominate another Supreme Court Justice out of these 11 contestants:

(“Whoosh” sound) A lawyer from New York City (56-year-old white man turns to camera with a stern face, arms crossed).

(“Whoosh” sound) An appellate judge from Cincinnati Ohio (47-year-old woman turns to camera with a stern face, arms crossed).

(“Whoosh” sound) A bartender from San Francisco, California (26-year-old metrosexual man turns to camera with a cocky smile)

(“Whoosh” sound) A homemaker from Erie, Pennsylvania (41-year-old woman turns to camera with a plate of oatmeal cookies)

(“Whoosh” sound) A police officer from Dallas, Texas (36-year-old black man turns to camera, proudly representing the show’s minority quota)

(“Whoosh” sound) An aspiring model from Chicago, Illinois (21-year-old blond woman turns to camera, strikes a pose and winks)

(“Whoosh” sound) A retired foreman from Phoenix, Arizona (62-year-old man turns to camera with a stern face and a bottle of Jim Beam in his right hand)

(“Whoosh” sound) A security guard from Hollywood (camera sees nothing, waits a few seconds, pans downward to find Gary Coleman)

(“Whoosh” sound) A truck driver from Evansville, Indiana (45-year-old man turns to camera, hocks a loogie)

(“Whoosh” sound) A principal from Denver, Colorado (43-year-old woman turns to camera with a stern face, arms crossed and a sign taped to her back that says “LESBIAN”

These ten finalists will undergo a series of tasks set forth by President Bush and his Cabinet, as well as field several questions by real U.S. senators.

And every week … (re-cue tense music) … someone will go home. (Cue graphic of each word zooming into focus as it is said)

(“Whoosh” sound) (Footage of President Bush saying directly to the camera: “Who will be my supreme decision? Find out who, Mondays this fall, only on Fox.”)

(Spinning logo of Fox, which is also on fire)

Yeah, Matthew T. “Matt” Sussman knows the “turn something into a reality show” gag is old and busted, since as far back as 2003 even he himself devised more hypothetical shows such as “Celebrity Inmate Island” and five other ideas.

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  • El Bicho

    We would probaly learn more about the nominees than we do act the hearings.

    I’m all for it, but they have to be sequestered in a house the entire time.

  • I didn’t even get into the challenges they’d face involving hearing cases from the ACLU.

    Challenges have two meanings in this instance.

  • I’d watch that, but only if they have to room together in arbitrary pairs, and eat something icky for one of their challenges…

  • Thanks for the giggle! I’d pick a different theme song, but I’m with ya on all the rest.

  • Everyone’s a critic.

    I was also contemplating:

  • Judas Priest’s “Breakin’ the Law”
  • Styx’s “Renegade”
  • Spice Girl’s “Wannabe” (just to fuck with everyone)
  • Anything by the Supremes

    I’m open minded on the theme song. I figured with using “Right Now” there could be a corporate tie-in with Crystal Pepsi.

  • Ruben

    I saw the similar in Russia when I was there. I found it very funny show.