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Promoting Patriot Minutes

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It truly was nice of the Vice-President to give me a job promoting Patriot Minutes. He genuinely seemed to feel guilty about our misunderstanding over my project to condense the Constitution to two hundred words so Americans would actually read it. As you may remember, Dick Cheney and I got in an argument over whether my side deal to also edit the Bible was a separate document from the Constitution and thus two contracts. The Vice-President had spent most of the nineties driving very hard bargains with his principal client and I think it was difficult for him to get out of that mode.

In any case, we never got to the business about a separate Bill of Rights and they then made the mistake of getting one of Charlton Heston’s speechwriters to replace me. For the last four years, the President used that version of the Bill of Rights as his reference. Rather than actually condensing the document, the Heston speechwriter cut corners to bring his version under bid and edited all but the second amendment. Sadly, no one warned the President so he simply didn’t know about the first or fourth amendments for instance. Even worse, the President had to depend on a Harriet Miers memo to explain separation of powers.

Should the urgent need to bypass FISA and the court system fail in the ever fickle court of public opinion, I get to sell America on Patriot Minutes. They already exist in another form.The premise behind Patriot Minutes is simple. Should you go to Safeway or any other major market, you’ll be asked if you’re a Safeway club member. Instead of paying exaggerated prices for items, you just pay regular retail if you let them track every single grocery purchase you make on their database.

I’m fairly protective of my own civil liberties, but I’ll do anything for a three percent discount. VRWC(Vast Right Wing Conspiracy) research has found that 98% of Americans will give up any semblance of privacy for about a 1.5% discount or even vague promises of a tax cut. The beauty of it though is that it’s not really a discount at all. They’re just charging you regular price, it’s the people who want some semblance of privacy who pay extra.

Patriot Minutes are part of a cell phone “Freedom Plan” that gives the government the right to tap all of your conversations in exchange for paying your normal monthly rate. If you decide to “Rove”, thus insisting that your calls from say Time Magazine reporters not be logged under the plan, you get surcharged for ten times your monthly rate. There is a setting on any cell phone that will keep you from “Roving”. This should never be confused with “Roeing”, you will find that you can not, for instance, call Planned Parenthood with your phone set to Rove.For the especially patriotic, they even have “raving minutes” for when you use your cellphone to jam talk show lines. This though is a small price to pay for freedom. I do have to admit that I’m not sure how the government proposes to translate all the conversations they get through Patriot Minutes. When I asked the vice-president about Sibel Edmonds and her claims that no one was translating most of those wiretaps when they happened to be in either Arabic or Turkish, he didn’t have much to say.

One of the beauties of the “Freedom Plan” is that there’s no reason not to use your Patriot Minutes. Should you not want to use Patriot Minutes, it would be a clear sign that you have something to hide. That’s why only people actually named “Rove” or who are designated by anyone named “Rove” who choose to “Rove” under the plan or who refuse the plan go on a special customer list.

If you have something to hide then you obviously are a terrorist and shouldn’t be entitled to privacy on your phone line anyway. In other words, everyone gets their phone tapped anyway, so why not just take advantage of the “discount”. Under the “Freedom Plan”, as you accumulate Roveing minutes, you will win free trips to undisclosed locations in Eastern Europe where your privacy will be so completely respected that it will be impossible even for your family and closest friends to find you there. These trips come at no extra charge and without charges, one of many hidden benefits under VRWC’s freedom plan.

Although I’m still working out the details for promoting Patriot Minutes including tv ads featuring Judith Miller and Robert Novak (I already use mine and I didn’t even have to sign up), Dick Cheney has already approved my slogan,
“Patriot Minutes, the cost of freedom is cheaper than ever.”

The complete version of Patriot Minutes.

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About Chancelucky

  • I love this: “One of the beauties of the “Freedom Plan” is that there’s no reason not to use your Patriot Minutes. Should you not want to use Patriot Minutes, it would be a clear sign that you have something to hide.” You must be a fan of Joseph Heller.

  • I just noticed your amazon link to “The Conversation.” Nice touch there.

  • Mr. Dentist,
    thanks for reading and your kind comments. I do love Joseph Heller, at least Catch 22. His later stuff just seemed less vital. I also always thought the Conversation was as good a movie as the Godfather trilogy, but Coppola just became the Godfather guy.

    btw, that Bush brand toilet paper, I bought some and learned that its only made from endangered trees. You shouldn’t be promoting it.

  • gonzo marx


    this Post gets not only approval from yours truly…but is today’s winner of the Sterling Silver Shark Schannon Award!!!

    i laughed, i cried, i peed my pants

    like the Humor of Will Rodgers and George Carlin, it’s just so fucking funny cuz the Truth it reveals hurts so badly


  • Many thanks Mr. Gonzo. With the passing of Richard Pryor, George Carlin is one of the last socially/politically relevant standups. As Will Rogers would have said, sadly all we know now is what we read on the internet.