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Prison Break Becomes The Dirty Half Dozen

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What’s easier to mend – a broken heart, a decapitated head, or a really f-ed up TV show?

Has your epic television show completely lost its focus due to a pregnancy and a contract dispute? Do you want to fix things after regretfully killing off one essential character too many? Can we have Bobby Ewing come out of the shower again?

Let's erase that ugly season three of Prison Break in ten minutes.

Gretchen admits that she never killed Michael Scofield’s true love Sara Tancredi. Apparently Sara escaped and having lost her leverage, Gretchen went into damage control and sent Lincoln Burrows a generic head in a box, proving that the show will never stop relying on the fact that Michael’s brother is just as boneheaded as Michael is brilliant. I can’t really blame Lincoln — who wants to look at a decapitated head for longer than ten seconds? I’d just assume it was whoever the sender said it was, too.

Welcome back, Dr. Sara; your so-called death nearly ruined our favorite show.

We all hate Gretchen’s guts, let’s kill her. The big bad company has a huge African American named Wyatt do the dirty work; sadly we couldn’t see it, apparently because Wyatt works nasty!

We all hated Sona. Let’s burn it to the ground. Like Gretchen’s goodbye, I wish we could have seen it burn, but that probably would have been too expensive.

Whistler? We don’t like him either. Voila! Someone, likely Wyatt, shot him in the back of the head.

Can we get everyone together again? After all, we’ve become fond of the cast.
After three years of trying to hunt these guys down, the Federal government finally became competent and nabbed Michael, Lincoln, Sucre, Bellick, Sara, and Mahone in about 15 minutes. Thank god for the Patriot Act.

Let’s have those crazy, star-crossed lovers hug. Yes, Sara is truly back! 40 minutes in, Michael’s giving her a big fat hug and for a second all seems well. Time to get it on? No, that would apparently be too much for one episode, and this baby has to float on for twenty or so episodes just to get through season four. It seems that Gretchen, super bitch that she was, whipped poor Sara within an inch of her life before our favorite prison doctor could escape. Why would Gretchen whip Sara? Did I mention that she was a super bitch? Net result: no loving for Michael for right now because Dr. Sara now has some serious post-traumatic stress issues to go with those welts on her back.

Can we get Michael to finally show some skin? Wentworth Miller’s sex symbol status has left female fans in a tizzy for three years now. Why? Well, that tattoo takes hours to put on, so Mr. Miller is rarely seen shirtless. As an apparent gift to the females of America, the government pulled out their secret tattoo removal technology and burned the damn thing off Michael’s upper body. Because this is Prison Break and the show loves its torture, Michael for some reason eschewed the sedatives and took his de-inking like the real man he is!

Prison Break 2.0: The Dirty Half Dozen vs. the Company

The Bad Guys – It’s all become very Get Smart, with the Company being KAOS taken seriously. Apparently they are very evil. I’m not sure why they are evil, but I’m guessing that it has to do with money and power. It’s always money and power.

The company is apparently led by an evil bald general. Why are evil leaders always bald? I’m sure Larry David is as outraged as I am about this. I didn't catch baldy's name so let's just call him Dr. Evil.

The evil bald general's evil minion is, as previously mentioned, a large African American named Wyatt. Wyatt doesn’t just kill people – he makes it ugly. As stated earlier, Prison Break loves its torture.

Wyatt has been given the task of eliminating all of our Fox River friends: Sucks to be an escapee who has crossed the Company.

The MacGuffin – Apparently, the Company has all their bad agents and bad deeds filed on six memory cards collectively known as Scylla, an Odyssey reference. Why would an evil agency keep enough info to bring them down all in one place? Ask Al Capone. It’s always the paperwork and accounting that brings you down.

The Offer – Hey it’s Michael Rappaport as an FBI Agent who wants to bring the Company down! I’ve liked Michael since I saw his film debut Zebrahead and always root for him to get some work, even if he did stalk Lily Taylor a little bit.

Michael is Agent Self, and he offers pardons to our Fox River buddies if they can help acquire and decipher Scylla. The gang isn’t interested at first, but since Wyatt is trying to kill them all – hell, why not.

Sadly, this brings up the question of where Agent Self was when the Company framed Lincoln and started all this nonsense. Try not to think about that – it will only lead to a big headache and you don’t want that.

The Team

Michael – The most brilliant man alive is given yet another thankless task and every team needs a super genius.

Lincoln – As usual, there merely for muscle.

Mahone – Poor Alex. He was seconds away from a reunion with his wife and son, but Wyatt got there first and it was messy. Mahone is almost as smart as Michael and he has lots of useful info on the Company. As a bonus, Mahone’s drug addiction seems to have magically disappeared.

Bellick – Obviously he’s only here for comic relief. He’s actually of little use to anyone. It was nice to see him reunited with his mother though.

Sucre – Again of little use to anyone and as dumb as Bellick and Lincoln, but he’s cute and Michael loves him.

Sara – She’s the end game. Will Michael finally be repaid for risking his neck to save his brother? If he is, it will be by finally bedding the gorgeous, but troubled Dr. Sara.

Supplementing our usual friends is a computer hacker, because, well, you always need a computer hacker.

The Wild Card

My favorite Prison Break character, Teddy “T-Bag” Bagwell, is of course too insane to be on the team. Therefore, he’s just out to kill Michael, who he’s apparently really sick of losing to. He also has Whister’s bloody bird book, which finally led to a locker in San Diego filled with useful info!

Because no episode would be complete without some T-Bag madness, Teddy gets stuck in the desert and is forced to become a cannibal to survive, which is of course followed by someone asking him if he’s eaten some “bad Mexican.” Nice.

Other Stuff

Super bitch Gretchen isn’t really dead… sigh. Michael appears to have some sort of illness. Will that poor boy ever really be happy?

So there it is, season three is now gladly washed out of our collective unconscious, so let the true fun begin – Prison Break is back!

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About Brad Laidman