The recent legislation coming out of the Virginia Legislature mandating women who are seeking an abortion to undergo an invasive and medically unnecessary transvaginal ultrasound imaging procedure has made it clear that additional “balancing” legislation is necessary to help ensure that women may go through their lives without the necessity of holding an aspirin between their knees.
It is hereby proposed that young men, just prior to entering puberty, must undergo a procedure which will entail the surgical implantation of steel loops anchored to pelvic and leg bone, strategically placed around their genitalia which will then enable the installation of a locking mechanism attached to an encasement that will contain said genitalia to preclude the possibility of their partaking in casual and non-procreative sexual activity. It is recommended that this procedure be made a part of a family ritual or celebration similar to a bris or more appropriately, a bar mitzvah to make it less onerous and frightening to the prepubescent lads.
These encasements will be electronically monitored; all public restrooms and private bathrooms will have installed, by properly trained and licensed contractors, electronic unlocking devices which will allow encased individuals to answer the call to void their bladders and/or bowels, and, if so inclined, to take a periodic shower or bath. As noted these devices will be monitored and each unlocking will be timed a predetermined number of minutes to accommodate these activities prior
to the triggering of highly audible warning signals, and/or perhaps intermittent electrical reminder jolts emanating from the implanted loops.
In the event an individual intends to partake in procreative sexual activity, said intention must be made known to a monitoring agency, the Preventive Erotica Quelling Registry or PEQR, designated solely for this purpose. The encased’s name and the identity of the intended fellow procreator must be on file and preapproved by said agency at least 30 days in advance of any procreative activity. The date and time for this activity must be preset to allow an agency monitor to activate the unlocking of the encasement. An adequate amount of time will be allotted for these assignations; say, 5 to 7 minutes, to allow for the satisfactory consummation of the activity, at the end of which the above noted audio signals and electric jolts will ensue.
Penalties, including fines and/or possible incarceration for circumventing or attempting circumvention of the encasement device, will be set by a panel to be named later. In severe or repetetive cases, unlocking privileges may be suspended at the discretion of a presiding judge or other adjudicator.
It is understood the encasement may take on more casual popular or trade names, a few suggestions noted include Pickle Jar, Junk Drawer, Jack in the Box, Package Deal, and one
which is perhaps a bit in bad taste, Pig in a Blanket. Others will no doubt arise. It is suggested that anyone suffering from erectile dysfunction should not partake of drugs, prescription or otherwise, designed to alleviate this condition while encased.
It should be noted that, should this legislation elevate to a national level, members of any state legislatures and/or Congress will be exempted from encasement during and after their tenure in office. All males reaching puberty prior to its enactment will also be exempted from the provisions of this
legislation. No grandfathering will apply.
Other particulars regarding the organization and structure of PEQR, and the exact specifications of the medical procedures and the encasements, applying for exemptions, etc., will follow when somebody figures all that out. It should also be noted that said agency will ultimately be privatized under the aegis of one or more “one percenters” (also exempted).