An admission up front. This format was not my own concoction. I have to give credit to perhaps my favorite Rick Reilly article of all time. Yes, it was about sports. But when you think about it, politics is the only team sport in America that actually affects people.
I also give credit to the delightful talking heads at CNN. Without them, this ode would not have been either inspired or necessary.
Your candidate is the voice of stale rhetoric. My candidate represents change.
Your candidate takes part in divisive partisanship and almost always votes alongside his own party. My candidate is a uniter and, in the past, has crossed party lines to get things done.
Your candidate relies on talking points and rehashed thoughts for his speeches. My candidate merely speaks the truth.
Your candidate is in the same party as certain prominent convicted felons. My candidate has nothing to do with these politicians who faced ethics violations, so it's not even relevant.
Your talk show hosts are basically an echo chamber of insults, slams, and partisan white noise. My talk show hosts are witty, articulate, and refreshingly honest.
Your candidate reversed his policy on that particular topic because it was convenient for him to do so. My candidate recognizes and adapts to an ever-changing world and its needs.
Your party's strategists dodge questions about their candidate. My party's strategists accurately point out that it's ridiculous to point out shortcomings of our candidate, since your candidate's shortcomings are far more alarming.
Your candidate really said an insulting thing about American people in a speech last week. My candidate, last week, was merely energizing his base, and those quotes weren't meant for consumption by the general public.
Your candidate relies on smear tactics. My candidate has nothing to do with the attacks made on your candidate, which is smearing my candidate.
Article comments
1 - Cannonshop
Outstanding. I do believe I must admit I resemble more than a couple of those remarks.
but so does anyone else with a political junkie gene...
2 - Joanne Huspek
:-) Good one.
3 - Andy Marsh
Says you Matthew! Or should I have said...I know you are, but what am I? My candidate sounds all f-ed up reading this! It must be biased!
I just wanna know who's the candidate that's gonna raise taxes on everybody but me!
4 - Dave Nalle
Amusing, but it would work better if it was a bit more generic. A few of them only apply one way or the other.
Dave
5 - Jet
I thought you said you didn't understand the algabra equasion I put up on another string?