This morning I sat down to breakfast and opened a brand new box of Cheerios and as I was pouring the cereal into my bowl... KERTHUNK! Something heavy fell into it, spilling toasty oaty O's all over the table.
Wow. There in my bowl was this huge gold coin with a picture of some old dude on it named Alfr• Nobel. I wonder what language "•" is a character in. Never mind. It's a bigass gold coin and I didn't have to do anything for it, just pour out some Cheerios.
Skipping breakfast, I wrapped that coin up in an old sock and took it with me into town. I was taking some of my kid's toys to a consignment store and then stopping at Joe's Pawn Shop to pawn my laptop before heading to the unemployment office to apply for my benefits. I figured Joe could tell me if that coin was real gold.
When I showed Joe the coin he said, "Man, that's a big coin and it's real gold. I'll give you $2,000 for it here on the spot, but you might want to hold onto it. It would likely have an even higher value to a collector, and the way the dollar is going down it'll probably be worth twice that in a couple of months." Joe's an honest guy.
I told him "thanks" and decided I should keep it, because come next year when our COBRA coverage runs out, we'll need that money to pay the "excise tax" for not having health insurance for me, the wife, and the kid and that gold coin should just about cover the $2,250 we'll owe the government with just a bit left over.
I headed home pretty happy. It didn't even bother me that the old Chevy was smoking a bit and the air conditioning was out again. I hardly missed my Prius that got repo'd last month.
Thinking about it, I realized that I really deserved that coin and someone up there must be looking out for me. Maybe it was President Obama. He's looking out for all of us little people. That's what my rep at the union used to tell me when I still had a job and could keep up with my dues. The kids in school are praying to him now. Maybe I should too.
So thanks, President Obama. I think I've earned that prize. Cheerios is on the menu for lunch and dinner too. Maybe I'll win another coin.
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - Ruvy
Poor Alfr. has been spinning in hs grave since Arabfart snagged his gold. When you're dead, you can't get tired....
2 - roger nowosielski
I would label that a satire, Dave. Not to late to change that.
3 - roger nowosielski
And the funny thing is, it may have just the opposite effect on his dwindling popularity at home.
4 - Dr Dreadful
I would label that a satire, Dave.
More of a sarcastic rant, really.
5 - Matthew T. Sussman
Wait! Save those box tops, and you can buy the limited edition special birth certificate decoder ring.
6 - Christine
Maybe Obama will give his cash prize (isn't it a million or so?) to the poor... LMAO
7 - Cindy
Christine is my hero for the day. That is a good one
8 - Christine
And Dave, hope that was not Honey Nut Cheerios..too much sugar!
9 - Baronius
Dave, you have consistently articulated principles of freedom and human rights on a variety of national and international issues. Congratulations on your Nobel Peace Prize. You've earned it far more than most recent recipients.
10 - Christine
Cindy, I've made you laugh twice now!
Maybe we can now put Obama on the box of Wheaties with his medal!
11 - Cindy
I like this article, Dave. I agree with both its implications and its finger pointing, though we have very different solutions.
12 - roger nowosielski
I was thinking the same, Christine (#6); that would make him somewhat believable.
13 - roger nowosielski
Have you noticed, Cindy, that Dave is given to a kind of rhythm - reasonable followed by the worst kind of rant?
Look for fire and brimstones the next time around.
14 - handyguy
Yes, Roger, I'm not sure why Christine added "LMAO" to her comment. It's virtually certain that the president, already a millionaire from book royalties, will donate the cash, probably to an NGO.
15 - handyguy
Wonkette has cataloged the two extremes of reaction to the news:
And “Erick Erickson,” some sort of retarded cousin of Robbie Robertson and #1 journalist on top Internet destination RedState.com is just a little caught off guard because he “did not realize the Nobel Peace Prize had an affirmative action quota for it.”
The DNC has overreacted to the GOP’s overreaction, and now this whole Barack Obama Nobel Peace Prize to-do is just an infinite regress of hyperbole.
Cue Brad Woodhouse, DNC Communications Director: “The Republican Party has thrown in its lot with the terrorists -- the Taliban and Hamas this morning -- in criticizing the President for receiving the Nobel Peace prize.”
Brad Woodhouse, no! Can someone please pause the Internet? We are nearing some sort of event horizon of rationality.
16 - Christine
Handy, well IF he does give his winnings to the poor, I will stop laughing and applaud him!
17 - Mark Schannon
I'm with you Baronius. Dave is certainly the most qualified person to win the Nobel Piece Prize. Although I admit I quickly ran to my (generic) Honey Nut Cheerios to see if there was, like, the Nobel Prize for Physics or Medicine, but alas, nada, or as the Spanish say, nothing.
Makes me thing that if ol' Dave is eating the Real Thing Type Cheerios, he's not as destitute as he's making out.
And Suss, I got my birth certificate decoder ring, and you'll never believe it: Obama was born in Cleveland but his mother was too embarrassed to admit it. However, it turns out that George W. Bush was born in Tunisia. Go figure.
In Jameson Veritas
18 - Dave Nalle
Roger, the article is in the "satire" category AND it's tagged "satire" and "sarcasm" so don't worry.
And BTW, this is a work of fiction. Many details have been changed to protect the innocent. I only eat Cheerios when I'm constipated -- a half bowl clears it right up.
Dave
19 - roger nowosielski
Cool. At least we agree on this issue, not to mention the premature prize.
The least they could do is wait another year for signs of relief. So I guess they gave him a rain check. I hope he'll prove his mettle but I don't count on it.
20 - Baronius
So it looks like the Nobel committee is in a phase of praising useless, ineffective people. I'd say that it began in 2001, with Kofi Annan. Then you've had Carter (for criticizing Bush), ElBaradei (for looking the other way on nuclear proliferation), Gore (for a movie, and not being Bush), and Obama (for also not being Bush). It's better than their marginally-reformed-thugs phase, off-and-on from the mid-1970's to the mid-1990's, but still the prize has less credibility than the Golden Globes.
21 - Dave Nalle
To add to the farcical nature of this, the actual vote on the prize was completed when Obama had only been in office 11 days, even though they announced it now. So they basically had no idea what he would do, if anything, when they awarded it to him.
Dave
22 - roger nowosielski
Now, that's scandalous.
23 - Deano
Not to rain on the anti-Nobel pararade, but can you source that "11 days in office" assertation Dave?
The info I have on the Nobel process is that invite letters for nominations goes out in September, the nomination deadline is February, a short list is developed by the committee which is then reviewed by the Nobel advisors from March until August, and then in October the Committee makes its selection.
So Obama must have been put forward as a nominee by February (which is probably where your 11 day thing comes from). I would expect that the first black US president getting to the short-list might be a relatively unsurprising occurrance.
So its not quite how you've painted it....
However as someone who also hopes for world peace (and is not George W. Bush), (which do seem to be the only real qualifications the Nobel Committee was looking for this year!) I am still waiting for my Nobel in the mail...
24 - Glenn Contrarian
Hm.
Barack Obama continues the drawdown of forces in Iraq as he promised, he led America (and by extension the world) back from economic disaster, he's greatly eased the tensions between America and Russia and between America and many Islamic countries. In fact, in the weeks following his speech in Cairo the moderates in Lebanon and in Iran showed their strength in ways that would have been impossible just a year before. Also, Obama led the world in exposing Iran's second nuke plant - of course the intelligence wasn't from him, but he DOES get the credit for getting even Russia and China on our side! Could Bush have done that? Please.
These accomplishments are not exactly 'nothing'.
Perhaps everyone should step back and ask what the Nobel Peace Prize is about - it's about PEACE. And for someone who's been in office less than a year, President Obama's done pretty doggone well. He is deserving of the prize.
25 - Earl
Dear Dave:
the actual vote on the prize was completed when Obama had only been in office 11 days, even though they announced it now.
Wrong.
The nomination deadline was when Obama had been in office 11 days. The vote on the prize was this week.
Not that I expect you to take the facts into consideration or even register them as the facts. From what I've seen here it's not in your nature.