Winning the War Against Christmas

I have to say that I was disappointed not to get my “Happy Holidays” card from the White House this year after all I’d done for Karl, the Architect, Rove. You try to run a poetry workshop with Donald Rumsfeld in it then come back and talk to me about your definition of torture. At least, they’re not paying me in White House bucks anymore. Knowing that Karl has been busy with his attorney Robert Luskin recently, I sent him an e-mail this time instead of calling him and he was nice enough to wish me a “Merry Christmas” in those very words even and send along the following document titled “National Strategy to End the War Against Christmas.”

1) The liberal plotters against Christmas are not members of any nation’s armed forces, except when they happen to be members of the U.S. armed forces. This means that they are not signatories to the Geneva convention and thus not subject to any of the provisions of that treaty. For this reason, we recommend the implementation of“Operation Enduring Inquisition”.

Plotters will be rounded up in the middle of the night by a special unit of the CIA that will land on their roofs and come down their chimneys in red suits (we’re still confused why it’s now good to be in a red state when it used to be really bad to be a “red”). The liberals will be easy to identify because they won’t have put out cookies and milk and will likely not have maxed their credit cards (easily verifiable through the continuing provisions of the Patriot Act) Anti-Christmas terrorists will then be taken into custody then flown to undisclosed locations in southern Spain.

While we do not endorse torture in any form, unless it’s tortured explanations having to do with John McCain's negotiations with White House, the Spanish have a long tradition of helping non-believers appreciate the seriousness of Christmas. In fact, practices like waterboarding have their roots in the Inquisition, an early successful Spanish anti-terrorist operation.

The practice was later brought to the Americas by the Puritan founding fathers themselves and used to minimize problems by identifying Wiccans who even then were plotting against Christmas while exploring their oneness with native American spiritual traditions. If these anti-Christmas zealots happen to be members of a known religion, please take care not to actually flush their so called “Holy” texts down the toilet. It’s okay to deface these texts, make fun of their beliefs, and even to threaten to flush their holy books down the toilet, but actual flushing is a little too much like baptism.

Article Author: Chancelucky

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