In this post I play the role of neutral observer. For the record, although I am basically a liberal on domestic policy and agree with Kerry on more individual issues than Bush, I feel Bush's zealotry regarding the war on terror is the most important single attribute that either candidate possesses, and that happens to be the most important issue of our time. Too bad I can't pick and choose aspects of each candidate and create my own Frankenstein-like composite (not that I'm commenting on Kerry's looks or anything).
But anyway, Steve Chapman is a totally pro-Democratic columnist - the guy brays when he speaks and had a tail pinned on him - and here is his assessment of the Kerry campaign:
To: John Kerry, Republican mole
From: Karl Rove, White House political adviser
....let's review some of the tactics we've implemented. They fall into the following categories:
Making Michael Dukakis look good. People thought he looked like a doofus riding in a tank wearing that goofy helmet. But you outdid him when you put on an anti-contamination suit to tour the space shuttle orbiter. You looked like one of those sausages that race around the field at the Milwaukee Brewers' home games. Dukakis would never have let himself be photographed in that outfit--heck, Ben Stiller wouldn't have let himself be photographed in it.
....Impersonating Thurston Howell III. One of the ways rich politicians show their kinship with "Joe Six-Pack" is speaking the universal language of sports. But you've cleverly "bungled" every opportunity to show your sports savvy. You went to Michigan and said, "There is nothing better than Buckeye football." When someone mentioned stock-car racing, you asked, "Who among us does not love NASCAR?" You said your favorite Red Sox player of all time was Eddie Yost, who never played for Boston. Maybe I'm overoptimistic, but that last one might even put Massachusetts in play this year.
Those remarks were scripted by our crack staff, of course, but they didn't equal your brilliant ad lib when you showed up in Green Bay and made a reference to the Packers' "Lambert Field"--when everyone this side of Paris know it's "Lambeau." The only thing that could have hurt the Democratic ticket more in the Dairy State is to confess that you're lactose-intolerant.
Creating your own woman problem. Bill Clinton had Gennifer and Monica, but you've got Teresa. It was shrewd to equip you with a fabulously wealthy wife who speaks with a foreign accent, but Teresa has expanded the role far beyond my fondest hopes. That speech she gave at the Democratic National Convention--well, I haven't witnessed such a prolonged display of self-absorption since Alanis Morissette's last CD.