In the early hours of yesterday morning a strike force of combined air force jets and Tomahawk cruise missiles carried out an attack aimed at eliminating two suspected sleeper cells of Al Qaida terrorists, including a supposedly high ranking lieutenant of Osama Bin Laden. The two-pronged attack lasted only fifteen minutes and was reported a success in a preliminary announcement released by the Pentagon.
This statement, released shortly after the planes were returned safely to their bases, was sketchy in its details, but did provide the following information:
Early this morning elements of the 5th squadron of the Louisiana National Guard took off from their home base to meet up with naval vessels off the coast of upstate New York. From there they proceeded to their destination where, along with three Tomahawk cruise missiles they successfully carried out their preordained disposal of ordinance.Acting on information obtained from highly sensitive sources, we had pinpointed the location of not just one but two sleeper cells of Al Qaida terrorists in downtown Toronto, Ontario, Canada. We had also received information that in all likelihood one of the chief lieutenants of Al Qaida itself was in residence at one of the aforementioned sites.
The three Tomahawk cruise missiles went in ahead of the bombers to minimize the chances of resistance, at which point elements of the 5th squadron dropped their payload of smart bombs and vacated the area in safety. None of our pilots or equipment sustained any damage other than normal wear and tear of flying an operation of this kind.
Our first reports back indicate that we were successful in meeting our objectives and eliminated the targets in question. We won't know exactly what happened until we can analyse the data from the bombsight cameras but once we've done that we should have some nice video for you.
As always in these raids there was the regrettable chance of civilian casualties, but, although it's early days yet, it seems likely any collateral damage has been significantly minimal. As Canada is an ally and neighbour we obviously regret any loss of civilian life in this mission, but these types of missions always carry that risk. In a time of war we all must be prepared to make sacrifices.
The President, the Pentagon, and the Joint Chiefs of Staff would like to take this time to extend their condolences to any and all Canadians whose families suffered a loss during this raid. Our prayers are with you.
Article comments
1 - RedTard
Interesting concept. It really put perspective on what we sometimes do in these things. For a small cell in a village it seems like an airdrop of special forces or paratroopers to secure the area would be preferable to just sending in a missile.
I don't know why we don't use that method, but I am not an expert in the area.
2 - Brian Sorrell
Very smart stuff. It's a joy to read *actual* satire these days. Please write more :)
3 - alpha
Thank you for your factual and unbiased reporting of our victorious actions against the minions of evil. We Americans are pleased that you have taken this vital action so well. You may be relieved to hear that the wall from Maine to Washington State will be begun shortly which will bring us even closer together as trade partners.
4 - Ashok Banker
Nicely done. Now all you have to do is watch for the inaudible hum of approaching stealth fighters over your neighbourhood...
5 - Aaman
Ashok,
I just read your story "In The Shadow Of Her Wings" - great stuff - and appropriate to this post, in a way:)