Mosul, Iraq (AP) — The US military announced today that it is “quite possible” that Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was among those killed in a weekend raid in northern Iraq. The raid took place last Saturday in the northern Iraqi city of Mosul, a US counterterrorism expert said. The official said US commanders do not know whether al-Zarqawi — whom US authorities call Al Qaeda's top man in Iraq — was in the house, which was targeted because suspected Al Qaeda members were thought to be inside.
According to the same official, US commanders also can not rule out the possibility that former fascist dictator Generalisimo Francisco Franco may also have been killed in the raid, though other intelligence indicates that Franco may have died of natural causes in 1975. The official also refused to rule out the possiblity that Jim Morrison, Ted Kaczinsky, Dr. Joyce Brothers, and the late Nipsy Russell may have been in the house with al-Zarqawi. The official stated that the military must conduct “further tests” to confirm the truth or falsity of any of these rumors but that it is “highly likely that somebody was probably in the house” when it was leveled by US airstrikes. “We’re fairly confident that one or more persons of interest, possibly including al-Zarqawi, were neutralized when the house was destroyed,” said the US official.
The Mosul attack is part of a series of coordinated strikes on suspected terrorist staging grounds which US commanders have dubbed “Operation Iron Blowtorch.” According to sources inside the Department of Defense, much of the intelligence supporting this operation was extracted from suspects being held at US detention facilities like the one at Guantamo Bay, Cuba.
Other intelligence supporting the operation is rumored to have been developed by the Department of Justice’s controversial practice of monitoring activity at US public libraries. According to DOJ officials, al-Zarqawi’s whereabouts were confirmed by the checkout of Simple Lessons I learned the Hard Way by Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess of York, at the Palmdale, CA, public library. The DOJ source said, “Our software flagged the checkout of these materials as unlikely to be for legitimate purposes.” The DOJ source refused to comment on how al-Zarqawi’s whereabouts were pinpointed based on the library book.
Edited: nd
Article comments
1 - GoHah
So, how does Lizard King line of succession go again?
2 - Dave Nalle
The satire might be more effective if you at least got the factual elements from which it's derived right. The house wasn't 'levelled by airstrikes', but by a bomb exploded by the terrorists inside the house.
Dave
3 - The Fifth Dentist
Oops. I'm going to have to talk to my crack research team about that.
4 - John
Was that supposed to funny?
Don't quit your day job.
5 - The Fifth Dentist
Really? What if I don't have a day job? Is it funny enough to at least stop looking for work?
6 - SonnyD
In response to #5 NO
7 - The Fifth Dentist
But what if my day job involved have sex with your mother for money? Should I quit then.
8 - Al Barger
Love ya there, 5D, but this one's weak. The US government carefully and specifically did NOT claim to have gotten Zarqawi, so there's no factual basis under this. It was a slim reed to build a whole story on in the first place.
9 - The Fifth Dentist
I humbly accept your criticism Al. I'll try to do better next time.
10 - Chief Wiggum
This post is nothing more than a typical, condescending, liberal [edited] showing how much he "supports the troops."
11 - The Fifth Dentist
[edited]
12 - The Fifth Dentist
To the Editor:
I've got to say that I don't completely understand the comment policy. Comment #10 refers to the author of this article as an "asshole." Apparently, that's not a personal attack but calling someone a dickweed is? Can you please explain the distinction?
13 - The Fifth Dentist
Is it OK if I refer to him as a "little bitch" or a "tiny-brained wiper of other peoples' assholes?" Those also, are no worse, in my opinion, than "asshole."
14 - The Fifth Dentist
To the Editor:
Oops. Sorry, I didn't notice that you redacted the word "asshole" in comment #10. Please disregard my last two messages. My apologies.
15 - Anthony Grande
To the Editor: You either need to be consistent and edit everything that breaks the Comment Policy or you need to not edit anything at all.
16 - The Fifth Dentist
See I think that if someone breaches the peace (as Clancy did in #10) then the victim of the unprovoked attack (me) should get a free whack. That would create an effective deterrent.
17 - Chief Wiggum
Well maybe the editor understood that I was right about [Deleted. Wrong. The Comments Policy is clear that we fight the argument not the author. Resistance is Futile. You will comply or be assimilated. Or banned. Comments Editor] and didn't feel the need to edit it.
As for breaching the peace..... you did that when you slandered the military [Deleted]. I don't really care what you call me but when you make fun of the people putting thier lives on the line to protect scumbags like you I take offense.
You and your far left brethren are the most offensive, degenrate group of malcontents responsible for dragging this nation down and nothign would make me happier than to see you all six feet underground so the rest of us don't have to listen to your bullshit.
18 - The Fifth Dentist
[Deleted] [Comments Policy?]
19 - Matthew T. Sussman
Break it up, kiddies.
20 - The Fifth Dentist
But he started it...
21 - Matthew T. Sussman
No buts.
Go to your room.
22 - The Fifth Dentist
Alright. But when dad gets home, I'm telling him that you hit me.