With the issuing of the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change report on February 2, waxing climactic about the climatic is the order of the day. The esteemed, government-funded scientists with no agenda who rendered the study inform us that man is almost certainly responsible for rising temperatures and, furthermore, that dramatic climate change is unstoppable. But, after seeing various luminaries sound the alarm, I think I can confidently say that, hell’s bells, we’re darn well gonna try anyway.
And it’s about time. We’ve long known we were going to die unless we stopped spewing that plant-sustaining CO2 into the air. The thing is, though, my botanical sources tell me the plants are fearful that they’ll die if they don’t stop spewing that human-sustaining oxygen into the air. So our task is clear.
We must beat the plants.
I’m tired of the lies. I remember when I was a wee lad in grammar school and they warned us of an upcoming ice age. That wasn’t as scary as the talk about the killer bees, but why, teach, oh, why did you hide the truth about melting glaciers, rising oceans and vicious hurricanes? I suppose the ice age fiction was less unsettling to young minds. At least we could look forward to extra snow days.
This is why I won’t sit idly by and watch today’s prevarications fobbed off on the next generation.
Can you believe I actually heard some craven, callous individuals try to rationalize away our destruction of the planet with the fancy that weather is cyclical (1500-year cycles of warming and cooling)? So thick is the propaganda that now an elaborate fiction has been woven to convince us that Al Gore, inventor of the Internet, could actually be wrong about global warming. Why, it just makes you hot under the collar. Now I’ll share what I’ve uncovered about the machinations of malevolent manufacturers’ minions.
In a tale worthy of Hollywood, some “scientists” are peddling a story about a geological interval occurring between 750 and 600 million years ago, which they fancifully call the “Cryogenian Period.” They tell us that during this time the Earth was completely covered by ice and snow. Moreover, they’d have us believe there have been numerous ice ages since then, with the last major one ending about 12,000 years ago and causing glaciers to extend as far south as Cape Cod, Massachusetts. Outrageously, their fiction involves the notion that these alleged events were followed by warming trends that sometimes initiated intervals in which glaciers were completely absent from our planet, all without industrialization, as if we’d believe this beautiful blue orb could experience such wrenching changes without man’s meddlesome hands.
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Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - Maurice
Let the plants scream as they die.
2 - Clavos
Famed climatologist Dr. Chick N. Little, known to be the primary author of the IPCC summary and AlGore's mentor, has her own theory about our warming atmosphere...
3 - JustOneMan
Can someone explain to me....,
Al Gore has been proven to be a pretty dim witted "fat" rich boy who never had an original idea in his head...zero credibility...why is he even being taken seriously...hes a fuckin moron!
JOM
4 - Dave Nalle
This is one of the first truly funny satire pieces I've seen in a while. Great job.
And JoM. Al Gore isn't stupid. Most of the people who believe strongly in human agency in Global Warming aren't stupid either. One of the great mysteries of human nature is that people who are otherwise relatively intelligent can believe the stupidest things in the world when self-interest deludes them or when they believe that they won't be perceived as intelligent or part of the right group if they don't play along.
Dave
5 - moonraven
Good piece!
Is it possible that the main reason that the Bush Gang has denied climate change is because THEY want to be the ones in control of the FEAR FACTOR?
Look how they can dehumanize folks when their minion, Tony Blair, trots out those 22 Pakistanis on his payroll and claims they were going to blow planes to kingdom come with waterbombs. Millions of folks waited in lines at the airports, missed their flights, lost their luggage, cried when their duty free items were tossed in the garbage by overstuffed security stiffs.
They don't want to see that kind of control slip through their fingers.
And why not give the go-ahead to those BIG OIL folks that offered all the scientists in the panel on climate change 10 grand to sell out? Cheap at 10 times the price.
6 - Baronius
Heh. Triffids.
7 - Dave Nalle
How did I know that Moonraven would be the first person to not get the satire of this piece...
Dave
8 - SHARK
Duke: "There's actually a civilization of greedy little green industrialists on the red planet, who drive SUVs, heat their saucers with mahogany and teak, smoke fine cigars and are mean to children and old people."
"Satire" for morons.
====
Vox on Nalle: "Of the characters in The Magnificent Seven, the picture unquestionably looks most like the Robert Vaughn character."
Nalle on Vox: "I've seen figures similar to the ones Vox quotes."
Vox on links HE provided (as Nalle): "The claim that this article is 'GOP spin' is an interesting one, since it seems to be based on reports direct from Iraqis inside Iraq if you follow the links."
"Liars -- when they speak the truth -- are not believed." -- Aristotle
9 - Lumpy
Damned funny. I was impressed by how long and on how many points you could keep the mockery going.
The unconscious self-parody of some of the commentors was almost as sweet.
10 - moonraven
People have the right to respond to a satirical piece any way they damn feel like.
At least this poster is not doing so on her employer's time....
11 - Clavos
Obviously moonraven didn't read the author's bio...
12 - JustOneMan
Good point Nailee....Gore is still an asshole
JOM
13 - moonraven
Yes, I read the author's bio.
Unlike you, I am not a knee-jerk bigot. I actually read what folks write and make up my mind about the content.
14 - moonraven
Gore was at least an ELECTED "asshole".
15 - Clavos
Not in Florida he wasn't, even after several non-partisan recounts.
16 - Bliffle
The human animal can only have developed, whether through Gods Plan or Darwinian Evolution, on a planet favored by the right mix of environmental materials and long term environmental stability to sustain incubation. Accompanied, of course, by various modest short term instabilities to encourage variation.
So here we humans are. Though we are relatively primitive yet (despite our constant attempts to grab all the glory for our own species and declare ourselves to have Dominion Over All The Earth and All Gods Creatures) our intelligence has run amuck and allowed us to create destructive capabilities well beyond our ability to constrain our own appetites.
Left to our own devices we would surely destroy every living thing on this little green planet, possibly with HBombs, possibly with some dreadful germ or fungus (whose name we may not even know today but is being developed in our laboratories) or some other criminal genocide.
And surely we are incapable of constraining our own appetites to avert a disaster with our own feeble morals and weak wills. Of course many 'prophets' and 'seers' and 'messiahs', etc., come forward with this same warning, but soon they announce that THEY themselves have the answer, and it starts with eliminating all opposition, especially the heretics who would oppose them. If some character comes forward with a plan which employs peacefulness and no retribution we quickly pronounce him An Enemy Of the State and assassinate him.
Whether one believes in evolution or ID it is clear that humans are an aberrant creature whose menace outweighs it's usefulness, and therefore will be extinguished in due time, perhaps through a catyclism, perhaps a Silent Killer.
So it's heartening to think mankind will be either destroyed or reduced to a very low state, too low to commit more major crimes, by the simple process of global warming (or even global freezing) which will destroy the menace of humans while leaving enough flora and fauna to keep the ecosphere vital and ready for a future, more deserving, form of brainy life.
17 - Baronius
"it is clear that humans are an aberrant creature whose menace outweighs it's usefulness"
Huh? How is that clear? What menace? what use? Back to George Carlin's old routine, maybe the Earthmother decided that she needed styrofoam, and that's why we're here.
18 - moonraven
As my alter-ego, Sun Raven, says:
Your species has consistently mistaken being at the top of the food chain for being superior.
19 - JustOneMan
Hey moonraven how can you still be counting chads and dimples while the seas are rising...shouldnt you be building an ark or something?
JOM
20 - moonraven
I have made it very clear that I am buying up all the (soon to be) beachfront property in Nebraska.
21 - JR
Vox on Nalle: "Of the characters in The Magnificent Seven, the picture unquestionably looks most like the Robert Vaughn character."
Nalle on Vox: "I've seen figures similar to the ones Vox quotes."
Nalle on Duke: "This is one of the first truly funny satire pieces I've seen in a while. Great job.
Hmmm...
22 - Baronius
Clavos, that was pretty quick. I usually like to rain on the Gore 2000 parade, but you got there in 2 minutes. Sweet.
23 - Matthew T. Sussman
Old 'n busted: Intelligent design
New hotness: Global warming
24 - Arch Conservative
"Gore was at least an ELECTED "asshole"."
No, he wasn't.
25 - alessandro nicolo
Funny piece. Acid Rain was the big thing in my day. I remember we had to write papers about how we were all going to lose our hair and that Reagan was at the root of it. Then I grew up.