See, couple years ago, round about 1998 or something, folks realised that loads of houses had sprung up all over the damn place. Meetings were called. What the hell are we gonna do about these houses and streets and general modernisation, they asked? Where have the wee white houses gone what had thatched roofs and such like, and wee women that stood at wells and carried buckets of water on their heads? Where are they?
See, the Irish government realised that if folks started noticing how, well, normal Ireland was, they might not fancy sailing half way around the world to dig up the bones of Alfred McGinty, only to discover that poor Alfred now has an off-licence weighing down upon his decomposed bollocks.
They got The Dubliners to do a tour or something, so that folks would think Ireland was all Guinness and no electricity or nothing. That'll do the trick, they thought.
But the result of this fabrication was that The Duke had to see these poor voyagers looking like they'd just been shagged by a rabid goat as they hold up postcards depicting the town of LoughShelalaagh, comparing the green hills and white houses on the cardboard to the much less appealing Virgin Megastore they were standing in front of.
So, then, in order to arrest this unpleasant development before matters get out of hand, The Duke presents his Guide To Ireland, of which this is Part One, being the First Of The Partitions, and concerning itself with Irish History.
Because if its history you're after, then The Duke can provide plenty.
History, as stated by the Decree Of Historicalised Information Of 1809, refers to stuff what happened a while ago. Sometimes this stuff is wildly entertaining, like the time a gentleman sitting next to me on the bus shit himself, but then there's other history, what has to do with some king or other deciding to tax folks for cattle-fondling, and that really is excruciatingly dull.
Here then, is a bit of History from the Ireland.
Back in the day, sometime around 16 something or other, there was a land by the name of Ireland, which is Gaelic for "small reservation to the left of Britain". Uproar abounds.
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