Well, it looks like your correspondent was in the right place at the right time again. This time, while dumpster-diving outside a 7-11 in Kingston, Ontario, I came across a cardboard box stamped with the seal of the American president. My curiosity whetted, I abandoned my hunt for ends of submarine sandwiches and casually slipped the box under my toque. (Pronounced "tuke" to sound like "nuke," a toque is a strange piece of Canadian headgear that becomes a permanent fixture on the top of Canadian heads every year between the months of November and May.)
Once safely ensconced in my suite of rooms (bathroom, living room and kitchenette), I peeled off the layer of hardened cheese and living bacteria, and opened the box. Nestled inside this box was a second, flat box stamped with the label, "Top Secret: Property of The National Security Council. If found please turn in to the nearest American government office or mail to the following P.O. Box number. On no account should you read the files contained herein, as that would be sneaky, unpatriotic, and could result in all sorts of unimaginably nasty things happening to your and your family."
Never being one to have much of an imagination, I decided to go ahead and read the document. What I read was so appalling and shocking that I decided the entire world should know its contents, thus relieving me of the burden of being the sole recipient of this knowledge. There is safety in numbers, after all, and they won't be able to catch all of us or shut this site down before enough of us know of the nefarious plot at hand.
I've done my best to cover my tracks, but if you don't hear from me again you'll know that they've managed to track me down. But it's more important that the truth be heard.
Minutes from the meeting of the National Security Council on the 12th day of January, 2005. All notes and minutes, including this record, should be destroyed after being signed by all parties involved in this meeting. This meeting never happened.
Topic of Conversation: Reinstitution of the Monarchy
President Bush is approaching the final years of his rule and is looking to circumvent the two-term limit for all presidents. He feels, and we agree, that it would only play into the hands of the forces arrayed against our country if a transfer of power were to occur.
Article comments
1 - Ruvy in Jerusalem
Fix the spelling. No red-blooded Yank will write "clamour." Also, the Yanks rate more than just a king. How about 'emperor'? That way, Queen Lizzie can curtsy to his imperial majesty, 'boy George'.
I have found, more often than I care to remember, my jokes coming true. LOL.
2 - Bliffle
Manifest Destiny! Oh, it has such a nice ring to it!
The problem with Mexico and it's unwanted immigration is that peasant life in the US is too attractive. Why even the least educated and unaccomplished and desultory among us has TV, a car, and enough fat, salty and greasy food to attain genuine obesity. To reduce the invasion of Mexican peasants we simply have to reduce the state of the US peasant to want and deprivation. I propose we do that by shifting the tax burden to the lowest paid while simultaneously reducing their health care support, depriving them of bankruptcy rights, looting their savings, and demolishing their "Unions".
It will help to reduce the peasants de facto Freedom Of Speech by incurring wars and inducing a constant state of psychotic paranoia so they are willing to surrender rights. In fact I think they will even cheer the diminishment of those "rights" as they look fearfully behind themselves for strangely garbed brown men with daggers and RPGs.
3 - Christopher Rose
Comment #2 was chosen as Comment of the Day for Monday 19th December 2005.
4 - Justin Berry
That was a great comment. Now that we have the mexican problem solved can we sell Canada to europe?
5 - MCH
"Now that we have the mexican problem solved can we sell Canada to europe?"
Ever hear of the Devil's Brigade? In World War II, the First Special Service Force (the Devil's Brigade), precursors to the Green Beret, served in four different theaters. Comprised of 1600 volunteers, the FSSF never lost a battle while capturing 40,000 Nazis.
Oh, BTW, 55% of the unit were Canadians.
6 - Justin Berry
Where are they now? Are they still canadians? why were they in our armed forces?
I served with many Mexican and Canadian Americans and I would be willing to bet that none of them are sitting across the border telling us how to be a better nation. Instead they are here helping make it so.