Note: The following satire is politically incorrect. If you don't approve, bite me.
Following accusations by terrorist prisoners of abuse and torture in American, British, Iraqi, Afghani, and Canadian prisons, lawyers for three tourists arrested on Friday and charged with trying to blow up St. Peter's Basilica are alleging abuse at the hands of officials of the Roman Catholic Church. They also maintain that their clients are totally innocent.
"Doesn't every Vatican tourist carry 40 kilos of C-4 around with them?" asked one perplexed barrister.
Another lawyer for the bearded, Southwest Asian-looking men, whose religion and region of birth have nothing whatsoever to do with their alleged crime, said that the conditions of his clients' imprisonment were "unbearable."
"It's a disgrace," said James "Slick" Burblehead, an attorney with the group Human Rights Travesty Monitoring Executive (HURTME). "Since there are no prisons in Vatican City, our clients have been incarcerated in furnished apartments in the Vatican with comfy chairs and soft beds. What self respecting alleged terrorist would be caught dead in such conditions of imprisonment?"
Burblehead alleges that the Vatican has failed to supply suitably gruesome conditions of incarceration, which could lead to unbearable psychological stress on his client as he contemplates how his friends will laugh at him when he returns home. "His self-esteem will suffer unless he is placed in a dark cell with bars that he can rattle a tin cup across," said Burblehead.
Among other outrages, Burblehead lists:
1. A private bathroom. "No reason to splash urine on the Koran unless someone can see it," says the barrister.
2. Nuns serving meals. Burblehead points out that since the nuns wear habits that are about as revealing as the burqa clad women from home, there are no opportunities to allege immodesty on the part of female jailers, thus taking away a crucial defense talking point.
Article comments
1 - Joey
You lost me after the first paragraph.... it's Narnia.. only worse.
2 - Rick Moran
Sorry... you lost me with that obscure reference.
3 - Victor Plenty
Yes, referencing a multimillion dollar Hollywood production and a series of novels that have been famous for decades is needlessly obscure.
Except, wait. No. It wasn't obscure at all. Opaque, perhaps, but certainly not obscure.
Curiouser and curiouser.
4 - Dave Nalle
Well, I thought the article was passably funny, with the possible exception of the fictionalized names.
Dave
5 - Rick Moran
I understand the reference. The context of your criticism was obscure.