Finding silver linings in the clouds of most of today's top news stories sometimes takes a lot of work. Hell, even finding reasons to be optimistic about day-to-day life is tough. But on occasion I've been able to come up with some consoling thoughts about things that either scare me or really piss me off.
In an attempt to maybe lighten everyone's load, I thought I would be generous enough to pass on two such calm-inducing scenarios. Neither offers a quick resolution to either problem, but each gives a glimmer of hope for the future: a straw to clasp as you clutch your head in anguish.
You're lying in bed on a peaceful summer's evening, when all of a sudden a low bass vibration begins to rumble up through the floor, inducing momentary fears of earthquakes, until you remember you don't live in California. Your heart has only a momentary respite for calming, because in the moment that it took to understand that it wasn't an act of God, the vibration has turned into the sound of an augmented car stereo.
Gritting your teeth, and praying to whatever you believe in that your sternum won't collapse, you endure until it passes. The massive bass almost achieving brown line status (literally the low end frequency that causes the relaxation of the human bowel: better known as shitting oneself) overwhelms all other noise save for the persistent accompanying rattle of whatever vehicle is striving to contain the sound waves.
I can only think of two groups of individuals who would develop such insidious devices as massive subwoofers and mega bass amplifiers for use in automobiles. Obviously anybody with a stake in an auto body shop is going to love those things. There's only so much wear and tear any car's chassis can take. A friend who worked for a local shop told me they would have four or five of those cars in a week needing at least their doors re-hung, because the vibrations had shaken them loose in the hinges sufficiently to prevent them closing properly.
When I'm at my most satirical and humorously twisted, in other words pushed beyond the limits of rational thought, I speculate on the possibility that these devices were invented as a means of revenge for hundreds of years of repression by African Americans. One only needs to notice the predominance of young white males in baseball caps who drive these machines, and this begins to make some sort of insidious sense.
What better way to exact revenge than to create machines that render the users incapable of rational thought and most likely procreation? I can't begin to imagine what that level of sound and vibration is doing to those young men's sperm count?