Most honorable and legal American citizens,
It is with great pride and lethal American pleasure that I announce my candidacy for the 2006 senatorial race in the fine state of Idaho. True, I’m not actually registered to vote in Idaho. I’m not even sure if there is a senatorial election this year, or if I’m running for the state legislature or the one over in DC. This matters not; and as far as local issues go, I haven’t got a clue.
Cancel my subscription — I don’t need your issues. Ha ha, but seriously folks, it’s time we got a good gal over there in Washington (or Boise), and I’m the girl for the job!
1. If elected, I promise to impose my moral authority on all the peoples of America and Mexico. You never know which Mexicans are hopping over, so we’ve got to get them trained. All unwed parents would be married de facto. All bastard babies would be declared legit. All unwed pregnant ladies would be shipped to Taiwan. It’s time we cleaned these streets up, and we don’t need sex-crazed orgy-mongers on the loose. So watch your backs, homosexuals! I’m after you!
2. As strong as my moral authority is, I think my real strength is my unparalleled desire to liberally help all the children of the world. For this reason, and many others, I will be taxing 90% of all American income to fund the following:
A Russian revolution; Putin’s got to go.
I heard something about African babies being hungry. I’m on it.
I will also be solving the Chinese population problem.
The UN wants an NBA franchise. I’m in talks to donate an east coast team.
North Korea is threatened by an impending energy crisis. I’ve already begun negotiations to help them out.
American farmers are sick of being undersold by Chinese farmers. We’re bombing the Chinese, as well as Chinese factories. If there’s one thing Americans need, it’s more low-wage factory jobs!
The South Asians, however, seem like nice folks. I’ll allocate 50% of our GDP to fund more call centers in India.