The Republican National Committee (RNC) has come up with the ultimate group hug that is sure to unite the divided, knock moderates off the fence, and embrace the fallen in a jovial, frat boy-like headlock. In the midst of this difficult economic time, the RNC is happy to bestow big, fat piles of cash into the accounts of those public officials and candidates who have subscribed to and promise to adhere to at least eight of their ten policy positions for the 2010 election cycle. RNC Memo: What you do after 2010 or don’t get caught doing until then is your own business since you’ll already have our money.
Read it and Reap:
(1) We support firing (or hiring some unemployed schmucks to “hurt”) everyone in the government that opposes us, eliminating all social programs and thus paying lower taxes, and any bill with the word “stimulus” in it unless it refers to one of us being on the receiving end of something sweet and nasty;
(2) We support corporate-driven health care reform, specifically those corporations that currently have our lips in their back pockets and have potentially career-ending dirt on us, and oppose everyone else not having to pay an arm and a leg and out the ass for health insurance and/or medical bills;
(3) We support pollution in all its glory as long as it doesn’t end up in our backyards;
(4) We support workers’ rights to work for us;
(5) We support anyone willing to vandalize and/or destroy the bronze plaque bearing, "The New Colossus" on the Statue of Liberty;
(6) We support victory in Iraq and Afghanistan by supporting military-recommended troop surges unless Obama supports the same in which case we support spinning his support of military recommendations into something else entirely, like a dream catcher or a couple of potholders;
(7) We support invasions of Iran and North Korea and taking possession of their nuclear weapons;
(8) We support hiding our fetishes and extramarital and/or homosexual affairs behind the Defense of Marriage Act;
(9) We support protecting the lives of vulnerable persons we personally know and love and oppose health care rationing and denial of health care unless it involves a procedure that would expose our fetishes and extramarital and/or homosexual affairs.
(10) We support the right to arm both current and future criminals.
The resolution will be voted on during the criminally brutal cold of the RNC Winter Meeting in Hawaii.
Article comments
1 - roger nowosielski
Great piece.
2 - Silas Kain
Most truth is spoken in jest. As cute as this piece may be, it is quite disturbing.
3 - roger nowosielski
Disturbing, yes, because not too far-fetched.
4 - Dave Nalle
Not funny. Not well tied to the actual RNC purity test. Not particularly accurate in its reflections of the real shortcomings of the RNC. Nice try, though.
Dave
5 - Silas Kain
If there is a God in Heaven, He can stop all the madness with one swift tsunami during the RNC conference. Hawaiians, take a vacation on the mainland for the time the RNC is there.
6 - roger nowosielski
Actually, I think it was a variation on the theme.
7 - Dr Dreadful
Not particularly accurate in its reflections of the real shortcomings of the RNC.
Which satire I'm sure you're just falling over yourself in your eagerness to write, Dave.
I'm watching this space...
8 - Baritone
Maybe a bit broad, but I liked it anyhow.
B
9 - Dave Nalle
Dr. D., I already wrote a serious article criticizing the RNC - back when it was actually news.
Dave
10 - Christine
We should all just go on welfare and let ACORN handle our financial decisions and portfolios!
11 - Cannonshop
Wait...dave, does this mean they're not talking about moderate Democrats in this piece?
The entire thing fits both parties' leadership entirely too well. It almost looks like a bipartisan bill or something..
12 - Mark Schannon
Ignore the sputters & mutters from the right. Well done--funny and accurate.
In Jameson Veritas
13 - Ginger Haycox
My good woman, once again my hat is off to you. An excellent article - both funny & scary at the same time. I'm eager now to see comments correcting your misguided view of the RNC & all things Republican. =)
14 - Scott Deitche
Very good satire.
It's nice to see some diversity in this section- it's the only blogcritics area that has a dearth of such.
15 - Rodney
Typical fabricated hate. Anyone could easily create s list about the DNC's desire to crush all free enterprise, freedom of speech and decency in the US.