Satire: The Current Iranian Regime Up For Sale On eBay! - Page 2

The first mistake of the rosy-eyed stockholder: I hoped for the best without due diligence, only to see uranium enrichment start at Esfahan, Ahmedinejad's call to wipe Israel off the map, violent shaking of a stick at the US... I mean, given Iran is all but surrounded by US and Coalition forces more than capable of turning Iran into a parking lot, I can understand the regime's paranoia. But come on, telling the world the Holocaust didn't happen? That's almost as bad as being Enron, but without hiding your accounting books. The reality is I have a short term investment horizon and holding stock in this flailing regime's just tying up capital.

To wait until the Keystone Clerics in Tehran make up their minds on pretty much the entire civilized world's demand to do away with their nuclear program would be damning to my bottom line.   But to a new investor with a longer outlook and wanting to diversify on the cheap, investing in the Iranian regime may be the way to go. As a professional Middle East scholar, I think the top of Iran's corporate ladder will eventually be filled with more pragmatic moderates like Khatami--not to be confused with Khomeini or Khamenei--who are willing to combine Islamic law and philosophy with a vibrant international agenda, and thus freeing Iran from the shackles of a reasonably minded but poorly implemented strategic enterprise plan.

I'm sure you have many questions, so I've tried to brainstorm some potential queries and have prepared a FAQ for you to read at leisure:

Q. So let me get this straight... you own the Iranian regime?

A. Indeed. Yes, the fact this non-observant Christian white boy pwns--I mean, owns--the most notorious Islamic theo-democracy on the planet is an uncomfortable fact for Pres. Ahmedinedjad and Ayatollah Khamenei, sort of like having the uncle in prison the rest of the family doesn't discuss in front of the children (Pres. Khatami did ask me over for a backyard barbeque once. I couldn't make it, but he sent me a pic of himself in his new "Grillatollah" apron). Thankfully for them, though, my selling of this equity doesn't make their value fluctuate, so they still have access to whatever measly working capital they can wring outside of the embargo for road projects, schools, playgrounds, and pesky nuclear warheads.

Article Author: Jim Fielder

Jim Fielder is a USAF Middle East Foreign Area Officer and is assigned as an instructor of Political Science at the US Air Force Academy. He holds degrees in History and National Security Studies and has held numerous enlisted and commissioned military …

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