Satire: The Current Iranian Regime Up For Sale On eBay!

Yes, you're reading it correctly: you can own your personal slice of infamous current affairs when you purchase the current Iranian regime!

This one-time offer includes President Mahmoud Ahmedinejad and The Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khamenei (not to be confused with the Ayatollah Khomeini, who died in 1989 but still earns decent dividends even after his...well, bond maturity date)—all at a starting bid of a mere $.99!

So, "why sell," you may ask? Well, my grandfather picked up stock in the regime while Shah Mohammed Reza Pahlavi was in power, thinking he got a bargain in the heady days following World War II. Unfortunately, he made the purchase on April 27, 1951, the day before Mohammed Mossadegh was elected Prime Minister and everything basically went to pot for the poor Shah. Thus the value of my grandfather's stock plunged, and the stock all but fell to the OTC pink sheets with the nationalization of Iranian oil and the eventual overthrow of Mossadegh in 1953 at the hands of Western agents.

But being a "buy and hold" kind of fellow, my grandfather held on to the stock--and had he sold it on January 15th, 1979, the day before the now much-reviled Shah hightailed it out of Tehran under pressure of Shi'a revolutionaries, he'd of made a fat profit. As it was, the Iranian regime stock tanked once again as the underlying corporate backing switched under a hostile takeover, so he gave up and decided to put the stock in a trust in my name.

I took personal control of the stock in 1990, but with the Ayatollah's death a year earlier, replacement with a new Ayatollah from a third rate MBA program, asset reorganization following the disastrous Iran-Iraq war, and the U.S. buildup at the Iraq border, the stock continued to flounder. Things began to pick up when the pragmatic moderate Mohammed Khatami became President in 1997 (not to be confused with Mohammed Pahlavi or Mohammed Mossadegh--it's like being named "Mike" in the U.S.), but he and Ayatollah Khamenei never saw eye to eye, leaving regime stock flat in a narrow price range.

I had a glimmer of hope when the new Pres. Ahmedinejad was elected (say that fast five times). I really did, despite the confounding name. Yes, the fellow is an international relations buffoon, but he apparently did great things as mayor of Tehran in regards to public works and infrastructure--and Iran really needs someone with financial acumen at the helm. Besides, with his perpetual 5-o'clock shadow, tweed sports coat, and open collar wardrobe right out of the L.L. Bean catalog, how bad could he possibly be?

Article Author: Jim Fielder

Jim Fielder is a USAF Middle East Foreign Area Officer and is assigned as an instructor of Political Science at the US Air Force Academy. He holds degrees in History and National Security Studies and has held numerous enlisted and commissioned military …

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