Satire: Republican Spoiler

Most of you here are probably not Republicans. I am. So pay attention because I’m going to tell you our real strategy. Now that Kucinich is finally out of the race we have relaxed. I know you’d never have guessed, and that’s just what we wanted. But I am sure you must have wondered why we spent most of our last big debate on January 24th complimenting and fawning over each other. “Rudy I do love you. No Johnny I love you more. Huck, what a hunk. Oh, Mitt please, you are such a cad with your billions. Ah shucks, I owe it all to Ronny boy.” The reality, which we devious Republicans knew and kept on the down low, was only Kucinich could actually have beaten any and all of our candidates in the general election.

Honestly, out of the entire Democratic field only Kucinich authentically believed in the impossible things most Americans really hope for: things like social security reform, peace, fair access to health care, reasonable immigration policies, global mildness, extra-terrestrials. But now that you Dems dumped your best candidate and devolved your primary into a WWE smack down competition for victim status, we plutocrats are pretty certain to win again. War? What war? With the snarling teeth-gnashing gender/race grudge match shaping up on your side, it’s pretty much going to be a walk in the park for us in November. Whoever wins the Dem nomination will end up either a racist, a sexist or maybe, if we’re really lucky, both. And, cheese and rice, real Republi-men have been getting called those things for decades. We certainly know how to win on that terrain.

So, since this election cycle is turning out just swimmingly for us Voldemortians, we have decided, secretly of course, to run all our candidates only for Vice President and Cabinet. (Yes, you’ve been right all along. There really is a vast right-wing conspiracy. And yes, like everything else we Republicans know, we figured this out by using the PATRIOT Act to listen in on your teary, low carbon, conversations with your chiropractors, psychotherapists and organic food purveyors.) Then… stealthily… at the very last possible minute… we plan put up Margaret Spellings as the real Republican write-in candidate for President of the United State of America. Any one notice Maggie recently ditched her great glasses? Well now you know why! Remember, Margaret Thatcher was England’s secretary of education before she rose stunningly to England’s archconservative Prime Minister Maggie. We American conservatives are using the same playbook here. As soon as our nemesis, Kucinich, was out of the way, the plan was set in motion.

Article Author: JDCarmine

Academic, Philosophy Professor, Liberal Baiter: Hoping to help write the Post-Mortem for Post-Modernism.

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