Today, President Obama announced that the Guantanamo Bay detention facility will close within a year. A special task force will be assigned the job of figuring out what to do with the hundreds of detainees still housed there. It's going to be a challenge, because their home countries and other potential havens around the world won't take them back; the only people who don't realize that they are dangerous terrorists are the American left and the Obama administration. So here are some modest suggestions for resolving their status and directing their energies towards more useful pursuits than blowing up children, stoning women to death and kidnapping journalists.
Glacier Monitoring in Greenland
Whatever happens in Greenland stays in Greenland, and so does anyone you send there. Give them each a parka and a tape measure. They can measure how much the glaciers are shrinking and then turn in their measurements at an automated kiosk which will give them food in exchange. Inevitably, when the food packets gradually stop being picked up, we can be comforted by knowing that we've helped out with the food shortage which is threatening the polar bear population.
Spending five years in a concrete cell ought to have given them a unique perspective on housing requirements. Let's put them to work helping to renegotiate mortgage terms for people who have fallen behind on their home payments. Do you really want to argue over terms with this guy? ------->
Soylent Green is made out of terrorists! You've gotta tell them! Soylent Green is terrorists!
...and it comes in three flavors: al Qaeda, Taliban, and spicy Sudanese.
Internal Security Police
Rahm Emanuel has proposed a plan to create a civil security force which sounds an awful lot like the kind of secret police forces popular in countries like Iran and Syria. This sort of work should be second nature to our GITMO gang. You'll think twice about writing that blog criticizing Obama when you know that embassy bomber Walid bin 'Attash might stop by to discuss it with you.