Already facing charges of being a flip-flopper on issues such as abortion and gay rights, Mitt Romney has stunned the political world with his announcement that he is no longer a Mormon.
"I just got tired of all the questions about my Mormon faith," Romney told a group of enthusiastic supporters. "Everywhere I went, it was 'Mormon this' and 'Mormon that'...Frankly, I'm fed up."
Asked what religion he now subscribes to, Romney declared, "I've decided to worship Satan. I understand that this might generate some controversy, but certainly not as much as the whole Mormon thing."
Republican supporters of the former governor were thrilled with the news. Pat Robertson was quoted as saying, "Now that he's no longer a Mormon, it will be easier for the Evangelical Christian community to get behind him. I think it will guarantee him the nomination. Of course, the whole Satan thing is kind of weird, but I think Christians will be willing to look past that. At least he's not a Mormon!"
Romney's wife, Ann, when asked about her husband's decision, was philosophic. "When you're running for president, you sometimes have to make some changes in your life, and if this will garner a few more votes for Mitt, then I'm all for it!"
When some of the other Republican candidates were quick to label him a flip-flopper, Romney fired back by saying, "I get tired of people who are holier-than-thou, only because they've been worshipping Satan longer than I have."
For Romney, the decision has benefits beyond just the obvious political ones. He told reporters, "When I woke up this morning, I had my very first cup of coffee. I never dreamed that something could taste that good!"
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - Dave Nalle
Ah, if only this were true and not satire, then I could climb on the ROmney bandwagon.
Dave
2 - Jane
The truth is evangelicals would vote for Satan rather than a Mormon. The satire would have been complete if Al Sharpton was worked in there.
3 - Alec
Does this mean that Romney will have to divorce his 4 extra wives?
4 - Dave Nalle
I'd rather vote for a Satanist than a Mormon and I'm an atheist.
Dave
5 - Peregrine
Right back at ya, Dave. And despite the the 30% of Americans who wouldn't vote for a Mormon, I'd still kick your atheist ass.
6 - Iron Duke
I think I'd like Romney better if he had 4 wives and was more open about being a Mormon. It is when ths stuff is hidden away that it becomes a problem.
7 - Linda
Glad to see the satire actually opened people's mind to the ridiculous reality that is anti-mormonism.
I am LDS, and there is nothing wrong with it. What is so much about having plural marriage in the history of the church than supporting gay marriage?
If there was a gay candidate running would it be "gay" this and "gay" that? NO. The reason for that is respecting American freedoms, and yet somehow, this family-loving Christian Romney is not getting respect or tolerance.
8 - Linda
so much worse, I meant to say.
What people do in the privacy of their own homes seems to only mean "if you're gay" so what is all the fuss about Mitt Romney's underwear?
If a Jew ran for office they would't "kippot" this and "kippot" that and "***'s headwearontheShabbat.com" it.
This is ridiculous.
9 - Peregrine
Dave, after a prick of conscience, I'll ask your pardon for my rude, knee-jerk response. However, while I enjoy and generally agree with your commentary, it puzzles me that you have so much venom whenever Mormonism is brought up. Have we wronged you in some way?
Your comments are more puzzling because of your atheism. Generally, I find that atheists are equal-opportunity offenders of religion; your hostility to -- and general misunderstandings of -- Mormonism are something that I usually only see in rabid Evangelicals. Hardly the company you keep, I'm sure.
10 - Doug DeLong
Linda,
Actually, I wasn't really motivated to write this piece to point out the ridiculousness of "anti-Mormonism." I was just tired of hearing Romney whining about people always asking him questions about being a Mormon.
Given that Mormonism is a religion that's somewhat out of the mainstream, and you're the very first Mormon to run for President, you should expect people to ask you questions about it.
And if you wear "magic underwear", you shouldn't be surprised if people have questions about your fashion sense.
11 - gonzo marx
"I get tired of people who are holier-than-thou, only because they've been worshipping Satan longer than I have."
best....fucking....line...of...the...WEEK!
i chuckled...
/golfclap
Excelsior?
12 - Chief
A good example of why our education system is below other countries like Great Britain, Japan, Germany, New Zealand, and etc. We have enough satire on the news every night. News on 'Mormons' is an everyday thing now and it's more important for you to make better research. We have too much ignorance, bias and Mormon haters. I hope you're not one of those Evangelists who are attacking the Mormons to save their souls or they'll end up in hell. They are now the jury and judge even before the Judgment Day come to pass.
13 - Doug DeLong
Chief,
"I hope you're not one of those Evangelists who are attacking the Mormons to save their souls or they'll end up in hell."
If that commment is directed at me, rest assured that it wasn't my intention to "attack" Mormons. I believe, personally, that Mormonism is a goofy religion, but not particularly goofier than any other religion.
14 - gonzo marx
it ain't a goofy as Scientology!
but i digress ...
Excelsior?
15 - Alec
RE: I am LDS, and there is nothing wrong with it.
True.
RE: What is so much about having plural marriage in the history of the church than supporting gay marriage?
And also that little racism thing in the history of the church. Note, however, that I give LDS credit for dropping this bit more completely even as some evangelicals still embrace racist interpretations of their religion.
RE: If there was a gay candidate running would it be "gay" this and "gay" that? NO. The reason for that is respecting American freedoms, and yet somehow, this family-loving Christian Romney is not getting respect or tolerance.
One of America's greatest freedoms is the freedom to mock sanctimonious twits like Romney. His being a family-loving Christian does not make him in and of itself a more suitable candidate for the presidency than an atheist or, gasp, a satanist.
16 - Arch Conservative
I think I'd like Romney better if he had 4 wives and was more open about being a Mormon. It is when ths stuff is hidden away that it becomes a problem."
What exactly is Romney hiding? He's hiding his rleigion because he doesn't want to discuss it for the 875th time?
That's bullshit.
What other candidate currently running is asked 276 questions a day by the shills for the left mainstream media about their religion? Don't you think they'd get pretty fucking tired of it too if it was happening to them? But it's not happening to them so that's the reason we're discussing Romney and not them.
There is absolutely no eveidence from Romney's time as governor of Massachusetts or anything else in his past that suggests Romney has any desire to subject non_mormon Americans to the tenets of Mormon theology if he were to become president. Yet there is no shortage of completely ignorant fuckwits on this website trying to portray him as some kind of fundamentalist theocrat.
You doubters are in for an extremely rude awakening as you are doubting the man who will ultimately be the next leader of this nation.
Mitt is going to eat the bitch alive come November 2008. Doubt me now. Fell the stinging barbs of my "I told you so's" come November 2008, because hey I'm just that type of guy. I always liek to rub it in when I've been proven right.
17 - Perkunas
Doug #10,
"I was just tired of hearing Romney whining about people always asking him questions about being a Mormon."
-Wouldn't you be a little annoyed if you spent your life campaigning and trying to articulate your platform, but instead found yourself having to answer for your religious faith at every turn, including by radio jocks who ask you questions "off the record" while quietly videotaping you?
"Given that Mormonism is a religion that's somewhat out of the mainstream"
-No argument there, and I'm Mormon.
"and you're the very first Mormon to run for President, you should expect people to ask you questions about it."
-Um, Mitt Romney's father ran for president. Orrin Hatch had a half-hearted attempt in 2000. Joseph Smith, the founder of Mormonism, ran before his murder in 1844. For someone expecting so many questions to be asked of Romney concerning Mormonism, you haven't paid much attention to the questions and answers that have been out in the media for the past 6 months, have you?
"And if you wear "magic underwear", you shouldn't be surprised if people have questions about your fashion sense."
-Please, I hardly find the juvenile references to Romney's underwear germane to the political debate, and this cheap shot isn't a very good argument.
I found your satire really amusing, and certainly Romney's dug himself into a hole with his sudden pandering to the Right. Pat Robertson certainly might prefer Romney the Satanist to Romney the Mormon. But after reading your justifications for it, now I think you're just being grouchy.
18 - Dave Nalle
If you don't want to be asked questions about your religion every day the best strategy is to NOT join a loony cult like Mormonism.
I think it was all summed up brilliantly on Big Love this week, when Alby staged a takeover of his father's status of prophet by gazing deeply into the lining of his father's hat and pronouncing the self-serving revelations seen therein - shades of Joe Smith and his magical tablets.
All religions are to some degree cult-like, but few are as transparent about it as Mormonism.
Dave
19 - Doug DeLong
Perkunas,
Grouchy? Me? I don't have a grouchy bone in my body. (Well, there is that one grouchy bone right next to my funny bone.)
You're right about George Romney. My bad. He got a really bad rap in 1967 after his infamous "brainwashing" comment, in which he saw the light and turned against the Vietnam war. He probably would have done better as a Democrat. I don't recall him getting much scrutiny about his Mormonism. I guess we live in different times.
I hardly find the juvenile references to Romney's underwear germane to the political debate...
Well, you're right of course. There is absolutely nothing germane about magic underwear. But, c'mon, just the mention of it is good for a giggle, don't you think?
20 - Alec
RE: I hardly find the juvenile references to Romney's underwear germane to the political debate...
It could be worse. Romney could be a Scientologist.
21 - Alec
RE: It could be worse. Romney could be a Scientologist.
Upon further review, Romney just might be a closet Scientologist. Apparently one of his favorite novels is "Battlefield Earth".
22 - Jack
Any of you antis or atheists, as Dave, would be welcomed at any LDS worship service. There isn't even a donation plate passed, so it won't cost you anything--except you might learn something. We believe in the Golden Rule--treat others as you would like to be treated--ever heard of that?
Romney should just pass out Articles of Faith cards to all his questioners about what we believe--Here are a few of the 13 listed: #1 We believe in God the Eternal Father, and in His Son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost. #11 We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may. # 13 We believe in being honest, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say we follow the admonition of Paul--We believe all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things."
Have any of you detracters read any of the accomplishments of Romney? Have you ever talked rationally with a Mormon? Christ's own original church probably would have been called a "loony cult" by Dave and some of his buds, had they been living at that time. Romney's actions speak louder than his words. He has a record for turning losers around, and being very considerate of people--just what we need.
23 - Jack
Hey bloggers,
I forgot to mention--if you should happen to accept my invitation to attend any of our meetings at The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints--it might interest you to know that the pastor, minister, or Bishop, as we call him receives no pay for all the time and effort he puts in. Not even the organist or any of the teachers. They accept the responsibility as an honor to serve.
24 - Doug DeLong
Hi Jack,
I'm not sure how much response you'll get to your post, just because this thread has been inactive for awhile. But while I've got you on the line, I'd be really interested in your response to a video I posted on my blog recently. It's an animated version of what Mormons believe.
If you have time, maybe you could look at it and tell me if it's an accurate depiction of your faith, and if not, how would you correct it?
25 - Dr Dreadful
Christ's own original church probably would have been called a "loony cult" by Dave and some of his buds, had they been living at that time.
I'm pretty confident that Dave and like-minded thinkers would still call Christ's original church, were it to emerge today, a loony cult.
Any of you antis or atheists, as Dave, would be welcomed at any LDS worship service.
Thanks, Jack, but all the people I know who've attended one of the LDSs' "regular" services (the ones where outsiders are allowed) still think you're all freaks.