“...So, we simply could not afford to pay our station managers their bonuses! We feel just terrible…” Albert T. Waterbelly said, his facade of deep concern looking particularly shopworn this day.
Yes, Chevron, that darling little sister of the Oil Whores announced to their managers this week that management had changed the “status level” of all their retail gas station/stores — in January — which directly affects the local manager and assistant manager’s bonus.
When pressed for the reason for this, after Chevron posted another mind-numbing quarterly profit, company spokesman, Albert T Waterbelly stated: “You don’t understand how the oil industry works! You see, we just barely made that $4 billion profit! It costs us nearly $2 a gallon to refine that oil!”
A reporter pointed out that Chevron owns everything from the oil pump to the gas pump and every step of the process - from pumping it out of the ground, to transporting it, to refining it, to transporting it again to the stations, and the stations themselves. The reporter askd just how was it “costing” Chevron that $2.00 a barrel? Waterbelly, perhaps in an effort to aid America’s energy crisis, farted loudly and moved on to another reporter:
“Yes, you!” He said, trying subtly to wave off the natural methane cloud huddling behind him.
“So how is it Chevron can insist that it can’t pay its managers what amounts to 0.000000177% of it’s total operating budget while it can turn around and pay that total amount on Chevron-sponsored parties this past year?”
Waterbelly’s protuberant lips began to quiver. He tried to leave the stage but a large poking stick thrust out and stuck him good. He edged away from it and tried to regain his composure. But before he could do that another reporter spoke up.