Prime Minster Stephen Harper announced this week that his government will purchase the entire stock of Nunavut's Kayak's. Minster of Defense Gordon O'Connor determined that Canada needed to bolster its presence in the arctic.
"We Conservatives are sending a message to the Danes and other tin pot countries: back off our Arctic, eh!" A Liberal babbler dismissed this recent ploy as "Conservatives flexing their muscles. They have gone completely mad in their runaway and reckless wanton need for war."
Why kayaks? A military expert from some school explains. "Well, Canada needed help. Our buying record hasn't been stellar recently so we decided to keep it in house. Our military is stretched. What with one ship already in the Gulf of St, Lawrence it was only logical to go to the Inuit for help."
What about increasing defense budget? "Oh no. That won't be necessary. This is a peacekeeping, peace creating country. No one would want to attack us. The kayaks would suffice. Besides, we need the money for health care."
When we contacted the Inuit who sold the kayaks, he told us through a translator, "It's not like the kayaks were for sale, eh. We need them for hunting, eh. But the government gave us a check for $2 million. It's not our taxes. It's all net to us. Ka-ching!"
Why wasn't this done sooner? "I guess we figured being sovereign wasn't a lot of work. Poor Dougie. There was so much policing he could do by himself up there with one stick and a whistle. But he has help now. Canada has finally responded."
Despite this recent bold move by the government, the Danish flags still flies on Hans Island. “With these kayaks we now have the resources, agility and ability to run rampant on the Arctic to defend Canadian interests. Sam Steele would be so proud."
Indeed he would.
Article comments
1 - RJ Elliott
Good article. I enjoyed the satire.
But seriously, I think this whole dispute is silly in the extreme. We are talking about a tiny chunk of frozen land that is uninhabited (and pretty much uninhabitable).
Greenland (the world's largest island, and also a sparsely-populated frozen wasteland "owned" by Denmark) claims Hans Island as theirs. But Canada also claims Hans Island as theirs. Hence, the dispute.
So, these two NATO allies have been engaged in a "flag war" for many years now over who really has sovereignty over this pitiful little island.
I have an idea: How about we send some UN peacekeepers to this uninhabited piece of tundra? I'm sure the "international community" will be able to solve the problem...
2 - alessandro nicolo
RJ, pretty much that's what it is. Some think that there is a possible oil reserve under the island but geologists think this is unlikely. Here's the thing: Canada needs to learn that the arctic is often in dispute with Russia and America. We need to be more vigilant. If we feel it is ours we need to patrol, if not occupy parts of it to exercise sovereignty. It's not enough to just say it's ours. It's always been a problem with Ottawa. Deploy a few ships if you want it that bad. Better yet, how about we build a few instead of buying used ones from Britain? Let's show some independence for once. That way, maybe swarthy, snivelling evil countries (and make no mistake about it. Denmark is pure evil. Only the Norwegians scare me more*) won't find the sweaty balls to stick a rickety flag on some cheap two bit island. Hence, my spoof on the kayaks. Check out these sites. Hilarious.
Radio Free Hans Island
Hans Island Liberation Front
*For the satire challenged: This is a joke.
3 - Victor Plenty
Hans Island Liberation Front?! Splitters! The People's Front for the Liberation of Hans Island is where you'll find the one true movement for freedom.
4 - RJ Elliott
LOL...