Dateline July 4, 2014: The Hague, Netherlands
In a move sure to anger most fundamentalist homosexuals, the American Liberal Corruption Union has vowed to overturn a World Court-brokered and internationally agreed upon decision last week effectively banning all heterosexual activities, unless officially and specifically sanctioned by the world body, and only for the express purpose of reproduction.
World church leaders were collectively outraged that ALCU lawyers would even consider legal arguments allowing for heterosexual oral or anal copulations for the express and sole purpose of immoral sexual gratification, acts which are clearly banned in the bible as sinful.
Prof. David Knafley of the Institute of Scientific Intelligent Design, based in Lynchburg, Virginia is quoted as saying, “This is an outrage and an insult to every study done by this great learning facility!” He went on to state,
It’s been proven over the last five years conclusively that heterosexuality and the resulting product of such copulation is to blame for our depletion of natural resources to the point of it being a crisis! As the population grows, so does the drain on this nation’s limited resources. The number of trees needed to build just one home for the average heterosexual family could be better used to print 900 Bibles to be distributed worldwide instead. The waste is getting outrageous!
Dr. Archie Incongruent, the current curator of the Federal American Research Trends Study, also known as FARTS, is quoted as saying,
It’s a fact that’s been covered up for way too long in this, our great country, that heterosexuals commit the vast majority of violent crimes such as robbery, rape, bribery of both houses of Congress, and corruption of young and impressionable minds, and of course it makes sense that an organization such as the ALCU would defend such state-sanctioned immorality in our great country.
Just look at how many traffic jams and highway accidents are caused by heterosexuals every year — it’s astonishing that anyone in their right mind would support the gaining heterosexual liberation movement! One only has to look at former President Clinton to see that heterosexuality is such an overwhelming and powerful force that can even threaten the very leader of our great nation and affect world stability! I, for one, shall battle till my last breath, prayer, and dollar to prevent this turning back of the clock to a much more liberal time when heterosexuals could practice their filthy lifestyles at will and completely unchecked.
The current American President could not be reached for comment as he is still on his six-month vacation on his plantation in Southern Mississippi. Former President G.W. Bush, who had been called upon to broker the original World Law representing the U.S. could not be reached for comment. However his representatives quoted him as saying that “The ALCU has always been a thorn of the side of moral Americans trying to earn a decent living wage.” When asked what that had to do with the question, his secretary only stated he had nothing more to add.