Dateline July 4, 2014: The Hague, Netherlands
In a move sure to anger most fundamentalist homosexuals, the American Liberal Corruption Union has vowed to overturn a World Court-brokered and internationally agreed upon decision last week effectively banning all heterosexual activities, unless officially and specifically sanctioned by the world body, and only for the express purpose of reproduction.
World church leaders were collectively outraged that ALCU lawyers would even consider legal arguments allowing for heterosexual oral or anal copulations for the express and sole purpose of immoral sexual gratification, acts which are clearly banned in the bible as sinful.
Prof. David Knafley of the Institute of Scientific Intelligent Design, based in Lynchburg, Virginia is quoted as saying, “This is an outrage and an insult to every study done by this great learning facility!” He went on to state,
It’s been proven over the last five years conclusively that heterosexuality and the resulting product of such copulation is to blame for our depletion of natural resources to the point of it being a crisis! As the population grows, so does the drain on this nation’s limited resources. The number of trees needed to build just one home for the average heterosexual family could be better used to print 900 Bibles to be distributed worldwide instead. The waste is getting outrageous!
Dr. Archie Incongruent, the current curator of the Federal American Research Trends Study, also known as FARTS, is quoted as saying,
It’s a fact that’s been covered up for way too long in this, our great country, that heterosexuals commit the vast majority of violent crimes such as robbery, rape, bribery of both houses of Congress, and corruption of young and impressionable minds, and of course it makes sense that an organization such as the ALCU would defend such state-sanctioned immorality in our great country.
Just look at how many traffic jams and highway accidents are caused by heterosexuals every year — it’s astonishing that anyone in their right mind would support the gaining heterosexual liberation movement! One only has to look at former President Clinton to see that heterosexuality is such an overwhelming and powerful force that can even threaten the very leader of our great nation and affect world stability! I, for one, shall battle till my last breath, prayer, and dollar to prevent this turning back of the clock to a much more liberal time when heterosexuals could practice their filthy lifestyles at will and completely unchecked.
The current American President could not be reached for comment as he is still on his six-month vacation on his plantation in Southern Mississippi. Former President G.W. Bush, who had been called upon to broker the original World Law representing the U.S. could not be reached for comment. However his representatives quoted him as saying that “The ALCU has always been a thorn of the side of moral Americans trying to earn a decent living wage.” When asked what that had to do with the question, his secretary only stated he had nothing more to add.
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - Jet in Columbus
Okay kids this oughta raise some fir!
2 - Jet in Columbus
Time to kill all hetrosexual troublemakers sr!!!!
Long live the revolution
3 - gonzo marx
yer a very silly man...and something should be done...
somethiign involving vast amounts of body surface covered in peanut butter and a horde of pomeranians
too twisted for color tv (from "Steel Magnolias")
Excelsior?
4 - Jet in Columbus
Ahhhhhh Gonzo I love ya mor'n my luggage!
5 - Che
I believe the peanut-butter/pomeranian combo is illegal in 11 states.
6 - Jet in Columbus
Good God you actually did the research?
Don't knock it till you've tried it!
7 - Jet in Columbus
Che#6 I believe that's only if they're males and it has to be the low-calorie/ low fat stuff
8 - Che
Who says I haven't tried it?
9 - Che
Actually I prefer the "all natural" peanut-butter, home ground. The oiliness gives it a very pleasant texture, its easier to wash off, and it leaves the skin silky smooth. Its also healthier for the pomeranians.
10 - Jet in Columbus
So... after all that what did you think of the article Che?
11 - Che
The tangent was not my fault - gonzo started it.
Yes... I took it too far. I hang my head in shame.
As for the article, very funny, but I'm just wondering whats going to happen to us poor bi folk in your fabricated future.
12 - Jet in Columbus
Gonzo Gonzo it's always Gonzo's fault-those damned heterosexual troublemakers there otta be a laW.
Bi huh? Have you checked out my novelization of Brokeback Mountain where I really get into their heads, there's all those x-rated sex scenes, and then I extend the ending all the way out to Ennis' death in 2006? just click my URL
I'd value you opinion...
13 - Che
I read all your work Jet. And enjoy it very much, except for one little complaint I have. do you want to hear it?
14 - Jet in Columbus
Of course as long as there's no malice involved...
15 - Che
No malice, just a personal point of view. *deep breath* Here goes:
Yep, I support gay rights, gay marriage, the whole shebang, 100%. But.....
"Its not my choice!" seems to have become a gay catchphrase these days, one intended to placate the irate right-winger who sneeringly refers to homoSEXuality as a "lifestyle choice". I remember in one comment you wrote something to the effect of "who would choose to be oppressed, spurned, etc etc etc..." can't really find the quote right now. The answer to that question is... well... me.
No I'm not saying I chose to be "oppressed". But many many many years ago I did choose not to limit my intimate relationships according to superficial criteria like gender, race or age (and no you fucking pervos, I'm not talking about kids, I'm just talking about the age of consenting adults, whether 18 or 80), despite the probability of oppression. So, a lot of people would label me bisexual and out of convenience I often use the term to refer to myself though I more often prefer the term bi-relational.
I'm not promiscuous- too old and tired to be promiscuous. I've had loving, rewarding, long-term relationships with both men and women. But it was my choice to do so and I've lived my life according to my personal values and philosophies. And it wasn't a "life-style" choice. Life is not a "style", like a pair of shoes you can take on or off. Life-altering decisions are important, how one chooses to bond with other people is an important and meaningful decision, one that gets belittled everytime a well-meaning queer yells, "its not my choice! no one would choose this!"
For most gay men, it isn't a choice. There is plenty of evidence that gay men are born gay. But please be considerate of those of us who HAVE made a deeply important decision about such issues as relationships and intimacy.
There seems to be less evidence of lesbians being born lesbian. I'm not saying it isn't the case - many may well be but the jury's still out on that one. I do know that some lesbians are indeed lesbian by choice, for political reasons, or emotional reasons. Many feminist-seperatists embrace lesbianism as an alternative to heterosexist relationships - some temporarily, and some for the rest of their lives. I lived for a time in an all-woman's community where many of the women there had opted to engage in lesbian relationships for political reasons.
Its very easy for gay people to say things like "oh she was always that way" or my favourite: "bisexuality is just a stage he's going through". If its a stage, I've been going through it for 25 years. I simply don't understand the need on the part of some gays to belittle the sexual and relational experiences of others. You can't know whats in the heart of other people - don't belittle or dismiss their experiences and choices as irrelevant.
Being gay is not your choice. I accept that, and respect it. I believe it. The least you can do is respect that I have made a choice.
I'm probably going to get slammed for saying all this, because the gays seem to want to convince Mr Tidy-rightie that they're born that way, believing it will give their right to equality more weight if it turns out to be nature's doing. But choice is being turned into an ugly word these days, and I believe that whether its nature or choice it should be respected. Sexuality and capacity for intimacy is very complex, and for some people can be quite flexible.
Bi, huh? he says.
Yeah.
16 - Jet in Columbus
when I said "Bi-Huh?" I meant I didn't know you weren't straight and nothing more by it. As for a choice, Yes I believe for women it is a choice, just because society accepts a relationship between two women more than two men so they're free to have that option. Most men's fantasies involve having two women and if they get it on with eachother at the same time he's working on them so much the better. So men/society accepts lesbianism more, so it's an easy choice for her.
Two completely heterosexual women can walk down the street holding hands and no one thinks anything of it, or two mother-types can even kiss in public and they go practically unnoticed.
Males on the other hand can be either biological- or a choice-Why? we carry both the x and the y chromosome, that's why men have nipples etc. Biologically and undeniably men are both part woman and man right down to their chromosomes.
there is a vast gray area of sexuality and it's rare to find a man on the extreem end of either completely straight or gay. I'm very near the extreem of being gay, because that's what my hormones react to, I react emotionally to both sexes and think I could have a loving relationship with a woman, but not a sexual one.
Offer any man no matter how macho a million cash tax free to strip and have sex with another man for 5 minutes, and they might not like it, but they'll do it.
There's no shame of being sexually attracted to both sexes, but the problem lies when you try to make an emotional commitment to one or the other, knowing you want both.
I can commit myself to a man without wanting another man on the side, but it gets complicated emotionally when you're bi because the woman tends to get more than a little jealous when her man is unconsciously checking out other guys and she can't find a way to compete with that.
In other words emotionally a guy can compete with another guy, a woman can compete with another woman trying to horn in on her territory, but she has trouble figuring out how to compete with another man without a sex-change operation.
straight men have a hard time wrapping their minds around Bi men because they figure once you've had another man you're "stained" for life.
gays despite what you thing are more accepting, that's why the B in GLBT stands for!
17 - Che
Oh I'm not saying gays aren't accepting but it has taken a while for the gay community to gain a better understanding of bisexuality. And there are still those who think its a "stage" or think its a form of denial or whatever. I'm just saying that by pandering to the right by insisting gaydom is nature, only nature, and can't be any other way sort of shoves people who've made their choices right out the door.
I want to see gays have equal rights and the right to marry. My best friend is a gay dad to a teenage girl. He'd like very much to marry his partner so that his entire family has the same benefits as nuclear hetero families and I would so love to see that happen - its about damn time he found a man I approve of. But I also want to reclaim the word "choice" as something important and beautiful, rather than frivolous and easily dismessed.
Like I say, I read your articles faithfully, and enjoy them all. I just wanted to bring up the thing about choice. Its not a dirty word folks.
And offer me a million cash to strip naked, smear myself with peanut butter and submit to a horde of pomeranians, colour me there.
18 - Jet in Columbus
In my case my emotions give me a choice, my hormones don't-I envy you your choice but at the same time it hurts when those of us that didn't make one are accused of it.
You're right the day will come soon when it won't matter, but not before the dead weight of all the old asshole fundamentalist bible pounders with their hatred and thousands of year-old attitudes have shrivvled up and died will that happen.
It's going on 3:30 AM here in ohio, I'm exhausted.
take care my friend until another time. Drop my my URL and leave a comment on what you thought of my version of the story.
Jet
19 - Che
I think what it boils down to is that both you and I want to be recognised and accepted for who we are.
Oh and I've read several of your brokeback mountain installments here on BC and thought they were great. I'll check out your site so I can get the full picture.
20 - Jet in Columbus
Someday Che, Someday. I'm glad this made you laugh, the novelization will make you think with all the revisions. You'll also love the big pictures.
21 - gonzo marx
Che makes some very excellent points that are skipped by many on the far edges of the Discussion
there are some who are not affected by gender, but rather are attrated to the person inside, not the plumbing outside
this is just as valid as anything else
there are also the polyamorous...which can lead to problems, but not if the stigma is removed, and all involved are Aware and consenting
on and on
each and every facet of inter-personal relationships that involve consenting adults are valid, and should not be looked down upon or discounted
frankly, it's nobody else's business but those involved
but that's just one old, broken down, hetero talking...
your mileage may vary
Excelsior?
22 - Jet in Columbus
Thank you Gonzo, For us-being bi is a lot like a guy who has the looks that he can pass for black or white and he can make a conscious choice which way he wants to "pass".
Sometimes in a way we gays resent that bi's have that choice.
Personally I neither resent it or judge it.
In my case the "decision" wasn't made for me... I'd have to choose to be straight.
I'll repeat that we accept bi's though as our GLBT monicor says.
C'mon guys the article was supposed to make you laugh!!!!!!
23 - Jet in Columbus
Gonzo wrote: frankly, it's nobody else's business but those involved... Then why are so many of them deterined to be involved?
24 - gonzo marx
cuz there are a lot of nosy bastiches in the World, Jet
oh yes...and the tooth fairy is not some guy in a tutu wiht pixie wings and a wand, either...
sorry to be the bearer of bad news...
{8^P~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Excelsior?
25 - Dave Nalle
Sex is great fun, but there's nothing more boring than discussion OTHER peoples sex lives.
Dave