In the morning, I sent the kids off to school with their official National Day of Prayer P.R.A.Y. Wristbands($1.74) and a National Day of Prayer Tote Bag ($12) full of Take Ten book covers ($3.29) to give to school chums who want to be able to remember the Ten Commandments in class. And don't worry, they had been fully instructed on how to bring their schoolmates to prayer and lead spontaneous and demonstrative prayer sessions during class and in the lunch room, including what to say to secular humanist teachers who tried to stop them. After the bus left, I put out our official National Day of Prayer Flag ($44.99) so that all of our neighbors would be called to Jesus by our example. And just to make sure no one missed the day, I then put a National Day of Prayer Yard Sign ($8.49) in each of their yards. Before heading out for my day of prayer, I reviewed the material from my National Day of Prayer Coordinator Tools ($124.95) and put on my Patriotic P.R.A.Y. Wristband ($1.49).
I knew turnout would be good at the prayer meeting in our local park because last week I sent all my neighbors — except those hellbound, Spongebob-loving Johnsons on the corner — informational flyers ($6.95) along with personalized letters on National Day of Prayer stationery ($10.99) in official National Day of Prayer envelopes ($10.99) with attractive Gold Seals ($14.95) on every one.
We had a great crowd, and pretty soon we were raising our hands in joy to the Lord and falling to our knees on our official National Day of Prayer Kneeling Pads ($17.95), prostrating ourselves and calling on Jesus to come into the hearts of our leaders and into our schools and offices and make our nation great and Christian again just as we were when our Founding Fathers founded it, as we learned in The History of Prayer in America ($12.99). God spoke to me during the rally and I wrote every word down in my Prayer Journal ($6.95). After the prayer, I hurried down to the State Capitol for a rally in the open-air rotunda and joined in the Bible Marathon sponsored by the Concerned Women for America.
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - Gordon Hauptfleisch
Jocularity, jocularity, Dave.
You know of course, that you'll be going to hell for this. But I'll try to squeeze in a prayer for you today as I entreat for the salvation of those Spongebob-loving Johnsons.
2 - Dave Nalle
If I go to hell it will only be to preach salvation to the unrepentant sinners there and I'll have Shirley Dobson at my left hand and James Dobson at my right hand, and the light of our pure righteousness will smite the darkness and open the gates of hell forever. If Jesus could do it then why not us?
Dave
3 - troll
good to see that at last you've been saved
troll
4 - Dave Nalle
Not only am I saved, but I'm so much better and more thoroughly saved than anyone else that my mere presence in a room causes others to be spontaneously saved.
Dave
5 - Michael J. West
you dare to compare yourself to Jesus! Your the devil himself, i think you did this entire article as a big joke because chrsitans are just a big joke right????????? well get real and wake up because Jesus is REAL and even thogh you are turning christans into a joke and taking GOD away from america the joke will be on you when the last days!!!!!!!
6 - Dave Nalle
I like that last clause, which was apparently interrupted before you could put in a verb, presumably because the rapture hit you right at that moment.
Dave
7 - Michael J. West
Knowledge of the Holy Spirit eliminates the need for verbs. It's in the Bible, duh.
8 - James
Don't complain when people tell your kids about Gays and Lesbians, or that smoking marijuana is ok, or that republicans and god are evil concepts if you're going to send your "little saints" to preach your view.
9 - Michael J. West
Say, Dave...by chance are you familiar with the work of Bob Lassiter?
10 - Maurice
I laughed until I stopped!
See you in hell, Dave.
11 - Phillip Winn
Some people just don't get the concept of satire, but fortunately most do.
I've often heard that part of Matthew 6 used out of context, but I'd say your application in this biting bit of commentary is spot-on.
12 - Sister Ray
All those prayers since 1952 seem to have paid off for the kneepad industry...$17.95 indeed.
13 - zingzing
i don't know which was actually more funny... the article or the fact that all of those things are actually for sale. gays and pot are cool, [okay, most] christians are fools.
14 - Dave Nalle
I've heard that sometimes those kneepads are used for unholy and immoral purposes. Kneepads aren't just for praying, you know...
Dave
15 - Maurice
Phillip
if you were referring to me, I was being satirical in kind. After all, if I see Dave in hell that means I'm there too.
Once again, funny as hell Dave!
16 - Dave Nalle
We're all going to burn in hell just for using the internet which is the Devil's tool for distributing porn.
Dave
17 - rekounas
Where is this Godless country? Can I be part? Hope the politicians aren't liars, crooks, and sodomites like in the Christian countries.
18 - Dave Nalle
In the godless country the politicians are liars, crooks and sodomites too, but we've learned not to care.
Dave
19 - RJ Elliott
For some o' that ol' time religion, I highly recommendgodhatesfags.com, which provides just the sort of manna a lost flock needs in these dark times...
20 - Dave Nalle
You have truly brought me to the light, RJ. Now I realize that God is a god of hate and I am prepared to suitably worship him. I'm heading out to WalMart to buy rubber hipwaders and gloves so that when I dance on the corpses of God's enemies the blood won't soil my clothes.
Dave
21 - Jet in Columbus
I was wondering where you could buy those!?!
22 - Dave Nalle
I have high hopes that we will soon be able to buy all of the fine products of the Dobson empire of christian righteousness at WalMart. Sam would smile down from heaven.
Dave
23 - Jet in Columbus
You could be a spokesmodel Dave and we'd see you leering down at us from giant posters in Walmart windows all over America!
24 - Jet in Columbus
I am curious about one thing though... why SpongeBob SquarePants or should I be afraid to ask?
25 - Dave Nalle
Since I look more than a little bit like a cross between Rasputin and Anton LaVey, I'm not sure how good a spokesmodel for Christian products I'd really be.
As for SpongeBob, that's a reference to last year's media crusade by James Dobson. His wife is the head of the NDPF, and he's the leader of Focus on the Family, in which capacity he decided that Spongebob was gay and needed to be stamped out last summer. Needless to say, Spongebob is still around.
Dave