But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly. — Matthew 6:6
Another great National Day of Prayer has just wrapped up, and I know that I feel myself lifted up on the wings of angels as the prayers from all over the nation sweep through our hearts and take our messages straight to Jesus.
Like the rest of you, I spent the morning in full-prostration prayer in a city park, with fireants crawling up my pant-legs and the spirit of God crawling through my soul, and I was blessed for the service I did in the name of the Lord and I know that my efforts will help save this nation from its degenerate spiral into Godlessness.
It all started last night when I took the kids down to the community center for a Freedom Youth Rally, where they met up with their friends and planned how they would bring the National Day of Prayer to their classmates at school the next day. We all went to dinner at Chick-fil-A, where the manager led a group prayer with his workers in English and Spanish. After dinner we headed home and worked on letters to our chosen leaders using the inspiring materials in our Adopt A Leader($6.95) packets. I put extra work into my letter for Councilwoman Stanway and the unbaptised mixed-race love child she aborted when she was in college. The courts have prohibited me from seeing her in person or calling her, but they do let me send one letter a month to her office, so I always make it a good one, full of God's thoughts on her sin-filled life.
Before we went to bed, it was time for South Park, so we turned off the TV and spent 10 minutes praying for Matt Stone and Trey Parker to go back to the secularist paradise of Canada. Then, after our nightly family reading of the Lausanne Covenant we rushed off to bed, because we had a busy day ahead of us.
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - Gordon Hauptfleisch
Jocularity, jocularity, Dave.
You know of course, that you'll be going to hell for this. But I'll try to squeeze in a prayer for you today as I entreat for the salvation of those Spongebob-loving Johnsons.
2 - Dave Nalle
If I go to hell it will only be to preach salvation to the unrepentant sinners there and I'll have Shirley Dobson at my left hand and James Dobson at my right hand, and the light of our pure righteousness will smite the darkness and open the gates of hell forever. If Jesus could do it then why not us?
Dave
3 - troll
good to see that at last you've been saved
troll
4 - Dave Nalle
Not only am I saved, but I'm so much better and more thoroughly saved than anyone else that my mere presence in a room causes others to be spontaneously saved.
Dave
5 - Michael J. West
you dare to compare yourself to Jesus! Your the devil himself, i think you did this entire article as a big joke because chrsitans are just a big joke right????????? well get real and wake up because Jesus is REAL and even thogh you are turning christans into a joke and taking GOD away from america the joke will be on you when the last days!!!!!!!
6 - Dave Nalle
I like that last clause, which was apparently interrupted before you could put in a verb, presumably because the rapture hit you right at that moment.
Dave
7 - Michael J. West
Knowledge of the Holy Spirit eliminates the need for verbs. It's in the Bible, duh.
8 - James
Don't complain when people tell your kids about Gays and Lesbians, or that smoking marijuana is ok, or that republicans and god are evil concepts if you're going to send your "little saints" to preach your view.
9 - Michael J. West
Say, Dave...by chance are you familiar with the work of Bob Lassiter?
10 - Maurice
I laughed until I stopped!
See you in hell, Dave.
11 - Phillip Winn
Some people just don't get the concept of satire, but fortunately most do.
I've often heard that part of Matthew 6 used out of context, but I'd say your application in this biting bit of commentary is spot-on.
12 - Sister Ray
All those prayers since 1952 seem to have paid off for the kneepad industry...$17.95 indeed.
13 - zingzing
i don't know which was actually more funny... the article or the fact that all of those things are actually for sale. gays and pot are cool, [okay, most] christians are fools.
14 - Dave Nalle
I've heard that sometimes those kneepads are used for unholy and immoral purposes. Kneepads aren't just for praying, you know...
Dave
15 - Maurice
Phillip
if you were referring to me, I was being satirical in kind. After all, if I see Dave in hell that means I'm there too.
Once again, funny as hell Dave!
16 - Dave Nalle
We're all going to burn in hell just for using the internet which is the Devil's tool for distributing porn.
Dave
17 - rekounas
Where is this Godless country? Can I be part? Hope the politicians aren't liars, crooks, and sodomites like in the Christian countries.
18 - Dave Nalle
In the godless country the politicians are liars, crooks and sodomites too, but we've learned not to care.
Dave
19 - RJ Elliott
For some o' that ol' time religion, I highly recommendgodhatesfags.com, which provides just the sort of manna a lost flock needs in these dark times...
20 - Dave Nalle
You have truly brought me to the light, RJ. Now I realize that God is a god of hate and I am prepared to suitably worship him. I'm heading out to WalMart to buy rubber hipwaders and gloves so that when I dance on the corpses of God's enemies the blood won't soil my clothes.
Dave
21 - Jet in Columbus
I was wondering where you could buy those!?!
22 - Dave Nalle
I have high hopes that we will soon be able to buy all of the fine products of the Dobson empire of christian righteousness at WalMart. Sam would smile down from heaven.
Dave
23 - Jet in Columbus
You could be a spokesmodel Dave and we'd see you leering down at us from giant posters in Walmart windows all over America!
24 - Jet in Columbus
I am curious about one thing though... why SpongeBob SquarePants or should I be afraid to ask?
25 - Dave Nalle
Since I look more than a little bit like a cross between Rasputin and Anton LaVey, I'm not sure how good a spokesmodel for Christian products I'd really be.
As for SpongeBob, that's a reference to last year's media crusade by James Dobson. His wife is the head of the NDPF, and he's the leader of Focus on the Family, in which capacity he decided that Spongebob was gay and needed to be stamped out last summer. Needless to say, Spongebob is still around.
Dave