Satire: A Deep Man Running for President - Page 2

However, with U.N. support, it is perhaps within our power to be the world's crossing guards. We should be able to prevent jaywalking and ignored traffic signals. But we cannot do it alone. If those illegal immigrants really want to do something useful, they could offer themselves at great sacrifice to position themselves at every street corner of the world, saving little old ladies, children, and business people on their cell phones from walking in front of cars, trucks, and motorcades.

Let us turn now to our own beloved shores...while we still have them. Personally, I'm buying a lot of property about ten miles inland from some of the toniest spots in America, so when global warming raises the sea level, I'll be sitting pretty. But that's because I'm smart. And this country needs someone smart to lead it out of the morass of despair into the garden of delight.

Millard Fillmore once said, "Mare's eat oats, and does eat oats, but little lambs eat Ivy." But did he do anything to protect Ivy, that poor young waif tied to the railroad tracks being eaten by those vicious lambs? Did he even propose a commission to study the problem? No. And you wonder why so few girls today are named Ivy. If we call ourselves a just nation, then we must protect the Ivy's of this country. You can start today by eating more lamb chops. But it's only a start.

This country is being overrun, literally swallowed up, buried in heaps of old people. Who told them to get old? Is it our responsibility because they didn't listen to reason and stay young? Teddy Roosevelt once said, "show me an old person, and I'll show you someone who's lived a long time." There is so much to learn from those profound words, yet we seem incapable of learning.

Which brings me to children--whiny, greedy, self-centered, it's-all-about-me primitive beings whose sole purpose in life is to take money out of our pockets and spend it on themselves. Primitive tribes used to take newborns to the highest cliff they could find. The tribal leader would say a few words and toss the infant into the ravine miles below. If the kid survived, it could join the tribe. If not, hell, God's will. Think how much more peaceful our country would be if we adopted that simple ritual.

Article Author: Mark Schannon

Crisis/risk/issues management and communications and PR consultant, free-lance writer, aspiring pundit and author. Blogcritics.org asst. ed, politics. Wanted to set world on fire, but bride won't let me play with matches, so I'm counting on upcoming, …

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