My fellow Americans. I come before you today with a message at once joyful and solemn, uplifting and with dire warnings, free of rancor and filled with rage, and with ample quantities of Yin and Yang.
It is a message of love for all my fellow Americans, legal and illegal, a message that I hope will ring down through the ages as the commencement of a new beginning, a beacon lit high on the hopes of those who would make this country something other than it is, a strobe light in a drug-filled dance hall.
For too long, this country has been overrun with scalawags, scoundrels, and sympathizers. Fellow travelers. Traitors adorned in the red, white, and blue mantle of patriotism. Pickpockets and used-car salesmen. Deer in our gardens. Coyotes eating our small dogs, cats, and children. This all must stop, and I say it must stop now.
But you and I--the true believers, the followers of the path of George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Millard Fillmore--we know that it will not stop while the Republicrats and Democans kill us with arsenic-laced crocodile tears and then dance on our unmarked graves. Nor will it stop while the libertarians demand the right to cavort in sexual congress with anyone and anything, while independents fiddle as the precious wood in their fireplaces burn, and while extremists on the left, right, and in the middle continue to spew their rhetoric of ideology and spam across our once-pristine landscape.
When no one respects the law. America can no longer be the world's policeman. As much as we would want, it is simply beyond our power to end the bloodshed, chaos, and anarchy in Lithuania. Monaco will just have to protect its own borders. The Swiss will no longer be able to count on our unwavering support against the snow monsters hurling avalanches on the rich, the famous, and the illegal American immigrants hired to run the T-bars on the slopes. Tibet is high enough--we should not be using American know how to keep making Mt. Everest higher. The thousands of illegal American immigrants with shovels racing against time to beat the Chinese who are trying to build the world's highest mountain could be put to better use.