When you climb the ladder into state and federal government, the amount of money a person needs in order to buy a vote increases. Thanks to PACs and assorted lobbyists, a person can possibly make big money by being a state representative, Congressman, or Senator. Who knew that the pot of gold was not at the end of the rainbow, but on the steps of our government?
With this in mind, I formulated a plan to sell my vote. At first, I looked into standing on the street corner with a sandwich board. Everyone is doing that nowadays; in fact, the other day I saw guys from two different quick oil change places standing across the street from each other waving cars down with their signs. Florists are doing it. Little Caesar’s. Condo builders. But we are talking about standing on a street corner in Michigan, and it can get mighty nippy here in the fall. That idea promptly fell to the wayside.
My next thought was to check out eBay. I’ve used eBay before, and they make it incredibly simple to sell anything. The bonus is that they take just about anything a person wants to sell. I’ve seen dust bunnies for sale, grilled cheese sandwiches with Jesus’ face depicted on it, ad space on pregnant women’s stomachs, and the snowfall in North Carolina, just to name a few oddities, so I am thinking that eBay would make an excellent platform for auctioning my vote. Besides, I was on the site anyway, selling some junk I no longer need or hardly use, so that I could have a little spending money for Christmas presents.
My next step was to read the Terms of Service and the list of prohibited items. No where does it say that votes cannot be sold. Just to make sure, I emailed eBay. I’m sure their crack legal team is working on it even as I type. Since I gave them 24 hours and they didn’t respond, I took this as a sign to list my vote for auction. In addition to the “no reserve” auction, half of the proceeds from my vote sale will be going to the Humane Society. Pets are suffering in this economy, too.
Article comments
1 - Dave Nalle
Very good, very amusing, Joanne. But you should have let us know you were doing this. I could have told you that ACORN only buys votes for $20 or a hit of crack in your area, so your hopes of great profit were forlorn.
Dave
2 - Joanne Huspek
Damn. I should have asked you first. $20 in the kitty is cash money, even if it comes from ACORN.
3 - Dan(Miller)
Joanne,
I have one possible solution: invest whatever you have in pharmaceutical companies which peddle anti-depressant remedies. Failing that, booze manufacturers. My fearless prediction that the sales of both will skyrocket after 4 November.
Dan(Miller)
4 - Clavos
Now might be a good time to buy pharmas, Joanne. I have a number of pharma issues in my collection, and they are ALL depressed (pun intended).
5 - Matthew T. Sussman
Convince the Detroit Lions that your vote has an NFL-strength arm and can make all the throws, and even if it can't you'll still get $12 million in guaranteed money.
6 - Clavos
It's an addiction, isn't it, Dan(Miller)?
7 - Dr Dreadful
Dan, there's an obvious logical flaw in your argument. Who exactly will all these severely depressed people be that you predict will materialize after Nov 4?
I would imagine, rather, that there would be an alleviation of depression, since the majority of people will have got the government they voted for and will be at least mildly happy about it.
While we're at least obliquely on the subject, to their credit I haven't noticed Dave and the other doomsayers threatening to leave the country if Obama wins. Not even Archie, actually.
For your amusement, however, here is Stephen Baldwin on Fox News claiming that he will leave the country if Barack the Blessed makes it to the White House. Not to be outdone, here's Susan Sarandon threatening to leave the country if McCain wins.
I also heard that Ralph Nader was threatening to leave the country if he wins, but was unable to track down the footage.
8 - Joanne Huspek
Dr., after the last election, one of my office girls was so despondent over Kerry's loss that she threatened to move to Italy. She's still here. As an aside, she doesn't seem to be as full of hate and loathing for John McCain as she was for Dubya. I have a feeling her candidate is going to win this time.
If I had any money left, I could scoop up some penny stocks. Yup. All of them are penny stocks now. Unfortunately, that eBay business isn't doing so well for me.
9 - Clavos
...since the majority of people will have got the government they voted for...
I think all those voters will be very surprised at what they got by the end of 2010; IMO, they will NOT get the government they think they're voting for.
10 - Dr Dreadful
Well, we'll see, Clav. It's looking likely that the new president will have a sympathetic majority in both Houses of Congress; there's a good chance that the Democrats may even bag the magic 60 seats in the Senate, and be able to use the power of cloture to push through any legislation they wish over the objections of the Republicans.
The trouble with the current government is that both the Democrats and Republicans in Congress want things their own way, Bush wants things his own way which is different again, and nobody is willing to budge much. So things don't get done.
The new setup is likely to work much more harmoniously together, simply because of its political make-up. Whether you like the result, of course, depends on your personal ideology.
The only spanner in the works will probably be the Supreme Court, which remains for the time being ornerily right-wing. But after all, that's what it's there for.
11 - Cannonshop
Well, Joanne, there's one thing about knowing your vote is worthless-you can afford to cast it however you wish. In my case, I'll be casting it with the full intention of making sure those fictional voters registered by ACORN have to cast theirs to counter it.
12 - Baronius
See link - amusing take on the subject.
13 - Joanne Huspek
Cute cartoon, B. I hear Alberta is still booming but I doubt Canada will take any of us.