Influential Lobbyist 1: We’ll try to watch ourselves. But I need to ask – what makes you think that Sasquatch will make any difference?
High-Powered Political Consultant 1: Think about it. The advantages are almost too many to list. He’s the perfect candidate for the Republican party. He’s a throwback to traditional American values – especially American hunter-gatherer values. He’s a model of self-sufficiency. He’s never taken a government handout. Think about the hot-button issues we’re dealing with. Not only is he against a government takeover of healthcare, he’s never had any Heathcare to begin with.
Important Congressman 2: Well, we need to be deal with more than just the hot-button issues. What’s his position on foreign policy?
(Sasquatch opens his mouth and lets out a terrifying scream.)
High-Powered Political Consultant 1: As you can tell, Sasquatch believes in a muscular foreign policy, which puts America first and makes no apology for using American power.
Captain of Industry 1: What’s his position on domestic policy?
(Sasquatch opens his mouth and lets out a terrifying scream.)
High-Powered Political Consultant 1: As you can tell, Sasquatch believes in a no-nonsense domestic policy focusing on lean government that relies on individual initiative.
(Other conference participants look around the room and scratch their heads.
High-Powered Political Consultant 1: But there are other advantages, as well. Sasquatch represents a minority, so that will help us on that front. Plus we should do well with female voters.
High-Powered Political Consultant 2: How do you figure that?
High-Powered Political Consultant 1: You know what his other name is, don’t you?
Important Congressman 2: You mean, Bigfoot?
High-Powered Political Consultant 1: Yes, Bigfoot. And you know what they say about that …
Captain of Industry 1: OK, OK – enough about that. But this still doesn’t feel right. Doesn’t the President have to be – well – human?
High-Powered Political Consultant 1: Check your copy of the constitution. There’s nothing in there about the President being human.
Captain of Industry 2: What are the other requirements for the President?
High-Powered Political Consultant 1: He’s has to be native-born and 35 years old. We picked this Sasquatch up in Colorado. Knowing what we know about Sasquatch migratory patterns, it’s extremely unlikely he could have set foot in either Canada or Mexico.
Influential Lobbyist 2: How do we know he’s 35 years old?
(Sasquatch opens his mouth and lets out a terrifying scream.)
High-Powered Political Consultant 1: Do you want to be the one to tell him he’s not?
Article comments
1 - One Americans Rant
I don't think the GOP is quite that hard up, Yeti.
2 - Igor
The Dems are going to run Art Hoppes Harvard educated Ape, so Sasquatch doesn't stand a chance.
3 - Clavos
Igor, did you actually call Obie an ape???
That's an interesting, heretofore unrevealed side of you...
4 - Glenn Contrarian
Clav -
I think if you asked the president, he'd probably say that's the nicest thing he's been called in quite some time.
5 - Triniman
Wookie.
6 - Surprised
Funny yet sad at the same time. Concerned, surprised yet for some reason calmed. The state of our political banter is shaped by the minuscule. We have a tendency to throw names and opinions that actually lead us away from solving real issues together. Thefactthat we are still referencing the word apes to black ppl is well typical of deep seeded resentments held by some. The fact that some partisans will pick any Tom, jerry or Sasquatch to represent them politically is funny yet at the same time scarily true and quite demeaning. We will seethe error of our choices and careless banter someday but thank god for humor in writing prose for without that we would just be a sad case for sore eyes.....and ears.