Guess what I found out this week. Sarah Palin didn't have the Down Syndrome baby. It's her daughter's love child. How do I know? I heard it on Daily Kos! (There's your plug, Markos. I accept most major credit cards.)
There's some pretty convincing conjecture over there speculating that Governor Palin pulled a Bree Mason-Van de Kamp-Hodge by claiming motherhood to it, when in fact her teenage daughter got knocked up in a moment of passion with two Eskimos and a walrus. (Some of this I added for effect.)
You have to give the Kos writer credit. They at least TiVoed Desperate Housewives. (Next week: she disowned her gay son, Track Palin, at which point he ran away and joined the military. And the gold-digging Latino ex-model down the street gets herself in a love triangle that you just can't miss!)
Your traditional media outlets, to no surprise, will not touch this story without any actual evidence, much like they kept mum on the whole John Edwards affair-love child shenanigans until, well, he said it actually happened. Which means the rumor's just going to swirl around in the nutrient-rich uterine walls of the blogosphere, growing and growing, until the caul of anecdotes and analysis reaches a tipping point, crowns, dilates, and spills amniotic allegations somewhere in the third trimester of her debate with Senator Joe Biden, sending moderator Gwen Ifill backstage for a change of pants.
Right now the only error in the Kos argument I've come across is a family portrait they said was taken when her daughter Bristol was pregnant. Digital Journal found the same picture in an Anchorage Daily News photo gallery, dated 2006, effectively ruling out a 16-month pregnancy. Conclusion: food baby. Which, oddly enough? Sarah Palin also claimed that as hers, so Bristol could save face. What a gracious mother.
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - fucking dipshits
Why don't you interview the woman who delivered the baby from Sarah Palin.
[gratuitous vulgarity deleted]
2 - Dave Nalle
I suspect Suss wrote this somewhat tongue in cheek.
The most obvious argument against this blatant and unfounded smear is that the child does have Downs syndrome, a condition that is about 1/3000 for kids born to 17-year-olds and 1/30 for kids born to 44 year olds. So if you're betting that Trig is Bristol's kid you're making a sucker bet.
Dave
3 - Dr Dreadful
My theory (supported by a wealth of evidence from Alex Jones) is that Palin (R-AK) is attempting to counter accusations that she is unqualified to be Vice-President by singlehandedly doubling the population of the state she governs.
Ba-doom-boom-tssh, and all that.
4 - Condor
Matthew,
Grow the f-up.... goood Gawd almighty.... political discourse isn't about "hot grandma" & "VPILF"..... it's time to mature your writing capability....in effect you just "TURNED OFF" a whole bunch of potential readers of your "PIECE".... What is your point exactly? Aleinated your readership... or making a researched talking point....
You are coming across much less than hoped for.
5 - Clavos
Doc,
Glad to see you've upgraded your sources...:>)
6 - Matthew T. Sussman
"Grow the f-up.... goood Gawd almighty.... political discourse isn't about "hot grandma" & "VPILF"..... it's time to mature your writing capability."
Listen dude, I write for fun. Sorry you didn't like it but this is just my style.
If you want a serious political article, and the resultant discourse, might I kindly refer you to every other article in this section.
--Suss
7 - Dave Nalle
Um, Condor. Lighten up man.
Suss. Maybe you should have tagged this under Satire?
Dave
8 - Marc
Who is the Father of the child? When would they have found out about the pregnancy if it was due in May. One more question - when was it that Track suddenly decided that he was joining the army?
9 - Jordan Richardson
This is my favourite of the 4,000 Sarah Palin articles on this site. Nice job, Sussman.
10 - uuyfr
Rumor back in Juneau has it that Bristol started smoking oxy off tin foil with the other douchebag kids there.
Some kid named DILLON KOLVIG got her pregnant.
11 - Christopher Rose
The one thing I don't understand is why so many guys seem to think Palin is hot. They must either date some seriously ugly women or just not get out very often 'cos she is really rather ordinary looking. She is easier on the eye that her running mate though.
12 - Roschelle
well written and very funny!!
13 - bliffle
Rose is right.
14 - Arch Conservative
The one thing I don't understand is why so many guys seem to think Palin is hot"
She's not necessarily hot as far as women in general go but she's pretty hot for a politician. Did anyone see all of the horse faced women Reps and Sens speaking at the DNC?
Seriously Amy Klobuchar is the most hideous womn in politics since Janet Reno. My dog started crying the minute Amy opened her mouth. As hard as I tried I couldn't spot an adam's apple though so I guess she is a woman.....unless he had it removed.
15 - Condor
Matthew (and Dave),
You might write for fun, but poking fun at Down's syndrome or the ordeal that the parents are put through is really mean spirited. You might call it over the top but making "fun" out of subjects concerning illness, suicide etc... aren't that humorous.
Show a little compassion (and class), it comes across better. Better yet, go voluteer a few times at clinics/homes/hospitals for those with dibilitating conditions and see for yourself.
Lighten up my arse.
16 - Christopher Rose
Archie, Nobody, until you, said Palin was hot "for a politician", simply hot. She's not.
Never seen the other two you mention but, as a Brit, I did notice that Palin's voice is pretty grating on the ears too.
17 - Arch Conservative
Sorry Condor but I don't see Dave, MAtt or anyone else on this post making remarks that could be construed by a reasonable person as making light of Down's Syndrome or the difficulty it poses for families.
Rather I see a bunch of people poking fun of the current situation of American politics that allows one side to make the most rediculous claims about the other while offering nothing but crazy, concocted theories about what actually happened as proof. While that sentiment is not explicity clear in the article it does seem as if that was Matt's take on it as well.
This is the left's version of what the right tried to do with the Michelle Obama Whitey tape rumor. Take a ridiculous accusation and spin the hell out of it with all kinds of so called supporting in an attempt to make it seem plausible and ultimately believable by a large number of people thereby damaging you opponent.
The danger with doing something like this is that if it false and you push it too far it will most certainly come back to take a big chunk out of your ass in the end. This weekend there have been scores of self proclaimed Sarah Palin experts on the internet telling us exactly hwat happend in the Palin's life around the time of this child's birth. Logic dictates that this story is most likely flase.........
1. As Dave Nalle pointed out, a woman Sarah's age is much more likely to have a Down's syndrom child.
2. If the family was trying to coverup the pregnancy why would they even allow the daughter to be photographed with what looks like a baby in her?
3. State politics are just as nasty as national politics yet not once in the Alaskan media was this story ever suggested. Either the governor's daughter went to school pregnant and no one said anything about it or they pulled her from school for a period of months to hide the pregnancy and no one said anything about it.
If the Daily kos continues to push this story Obama better hope none of his staffers are connected to them.
18 - Clavos
What Arch said...
19 - Joanne Huspek
I dunno... That photo with Bristol looks like she has the typical adolescent muffin top. As the parent of a one-time adolescent, I can tell you that muffin tops among that age group are rather rampant. Not only that, but with the style of jeans that girls wear these days, if you're not the type to do a couple thousand sit ups a day, you're going to have that little bit of midriff bulge.
Just sayin'...
20 - ron
the hiking video, pictures, fluid leak, . . . nothing is conclusive. but her judgement in possibly not disclosing this if true, or returning home to have the baby is troublesome. mccains lack of process in her selection is also troublesome. be careful. that said, i am sure interested to know if the one pictue of her other pregnancy is true. further, i just find it hard that someone who celebrates another bundly of merriness waits so long for the announcemnt, there is not one conclusive picture of her pregnancy . . . sure there are rational explanations . . . but any cop would say too many coincidences -- guilty. within two days if a document or two and some pictures aren't forthcoming i'd wonder some more -- be careful, a careful trap??? it is odd not one conclusive picture -- BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY, WHAT IS WITH ALL THE BLACK -- to make you look professional or struggling with emptiness???
21 - ron
i also want to state two other interesting points: why is the eldest daughter the only one holding the child in recent photos? why in the family picture with the blue sweather or shirt and bump is the eldest daughter the only one with a closed mouth? junk, yeah. but, there was no process by mccain, other questions, and alot of coincidences here.
22 - Joanne Huspek
I just heard on the news that Bristol is REALLY pregnant. She plans on marrying the baby-daddy.
Shades of Jamie Lynn Spears!
23 - Matthew T. Sussman
Shotgun weddings are done best when the parent belongs to the NRA.
All right, dammit. Gotta keep adding the story. Here goes:
• Palin is the one who's really pregnant. She's going to have the baby and give it to Bristol. Then they're going to find one of her classmates, the one with the worst chance of getting laid on his own, and say he's the father. The baby's name will be Spring Bagel William Palin.
24 - Arch Conservative
Wrong Matthew...I have the real scoop. It's really Bristol that's preganant but in an a attempt to win over even more of the angry Hillary supporters she will be having a televised abortion.
Seriously............is this what our nation has become?
25 - Dr Dreadful
Track Palin is not really in the military. He's really a transgendered individual from Cicely, AK named
AubreyAudrey and is the father of Bristol's child.HeShe is currently in seclusion undergoing gender reassignment, and will resurface in two years, whereupon she will be presented to the world asVPGov. Palin's long-lost half-sister. The only part I didn't make up is that some people will take this seriously.