Texas Governor Rick Perry and his amazing hair held a press conference today to announce that through pure genius and superhuman effort he's going to singlehandedly save America from the flood of illegal aliens.
Not content to let Senators and Congressmen hash out their differences over immigration on the federal level, Perry — who faces a bizarre four-way election this fall — has decided to take the initiative on the state level and put forward a unique and creative plan for dealing with immigration here in Texas, where we have the longest border with Mexico and therefore the most opportunities to address immigration enforcement directly.
Perry's plan takes advantage of an accidental budget surplus — created by neglecting school finance reform and by instituting a variety of rapacious fees on businesses — to spend $20 million for expanding the presence of state law enforcement on the border. But the real lynchpin of his plan is $5 million 'virtual border enforcement' in the form of motion detectors and night-vision video surveillance equipment all along the border, particularly at popular crossings, to identify and monitor illegal immigration.
The fun part of this plan is that it gives the whole online population the opportunity to become Minutemen in their own dens, because Perry is going to put live feeds from the cameras on the web, with a toll-free number that you can call in order to dispatch state troopers to catch red handed any illegals you see. Perry commented "we will post this video on the Internet — in real time — so that concerned Americans can help protect our nation through online neighborhood watch programs."
You'll be sitting safe at home in your skivvies, watching endless hours of horny toads and coyotes, and if you're still awake and awfully lucky you might get to catch a glimpse of a pack of future lawn manicurists, live-in nannies and pool boys making their run for jobs and freedom. Then you grab the phone, call the Rangers, and they'll show up at the crossing spot hours later with no clue at all where the illegals went once they were off camera. Or more than likely the illegals will have taken the camera and headed off to sell it at a pawn shop in Laredo.
Article comments
1 - Christopher Soden
It is so gratifying to hear another Texan express some wisdom and truth regarding life under the Bush/Perry regime. Don't know how many Americans understand just how popular this program will be with the preponderance of Coldwater Baptist Crackers inhabiting the Lone Star State. I'm afraid the other 3 contenders for the gubernatorial race will split the vote in Perry's favor. That is if Perry himself is willing to leave the polls to "chance." If you know what I mean. ; >
2 - StormWarning
Trackback didn't register:
Virtual Border Watch Program
3 - Jon Sobel
Wow. Doubleplusungood. SETI @ Home probably has a better shot (no pun intended) at success.
4 - Georgio
I appreciate your wisdom on this issue Dave..You seem to have a better Handel on this issue than most ppl ..what do you think of this ....Instead of wasting all this money to keep them out why not help Mexico to come up to speed with the rest of the world ..improve their infrastructure and do what ever it takes so ppl can make a living there..
I know some will say it's not our problem to make them whole but so what..we are going to spend Billions to keep them out to no avail so why not take a more positive approach
5 - Dave Nalle
The idea of raising up the Mexican economy isn't necessarily a bad one, but I fear it may be impractical. The country is too large and the expense would be too enormous to take on solely as a government program, and because of that it would never get popular approval. It would have to be done by encouraging American businesses to invest there even more than they are now, and that will be criticized as outsourcing American jobs. It's a lose-lose situation politically.
The truth is that the most economical and most effective way of raising up the Mexican economy is to leave things the way they are, or to implement the kind of program Bush has proposed which allows Mexicans to come here and work and continue to send money back to Mexico as they have been doing illegally, but make it legal with a guest worker program. The US gets more benefit out of a program that brings the workers here, and the billions that get sent back to Mexico eventually improve their economy.
Make no mistake about it, the Mexican economy has been steadily improving since we let immigration get out of control. If we can get over the ridiculous arguments about amnesty and the loss of jobs in a job market where there's a genuine labor shortage and implement some reasonable program to bring workers here then eventually an equilibrium will be established and the flow of immigration will slow down.
Dave
6 - Richard Brodie
a pack of future lawn manicurists, live-in nannies and pool boys making their run for jobs and freedom
If I'm not mistaken isn't it you who tries to minimize the problem by maintaining that most illegal Mexicans don't want to stay here, but instead intend to return to their homes? That might square with a "run for jobs", but how do you see them wanting to return to where they consider themselves unfree?
7 - jblym
Wow-to think that I missed out out such good ol'racism before this. Your portrayals of human beings who are trying to eke out enough money to feed their families as "pool boys" is typical.
You forgot to mention the absolute desperation that would cause these PEOPLE to cross over and work at menial labor jobs.
While I might agree that the camera idea would be better if they were able to not be manipulated,we can not lose sight of the simple fact that people come here for one simple reason.
It is still a shining example of freedom and opportunity . At least some of us consider it that.
8 - mschannon
The real problem with this article is that it's labeled news. It's great satire and deserves to be noted as such. It's a good thing I live in Virginia where we don't do dumb things like that...too often...or get caught at least.
Of course, you violated the satire genre with your cogent argument #5. The other problem is that we can't escape the posturing and idiocy in D.C. long enough to figure out how to deal with complex issues.
A combination of what you recommend plus more aid to Mexico to help its economy plus a realistic assessment of the implications of all the various plans would go a long way to solving the problem...which is why it'll never be solved.
Oh well...good try. And great satire.
In Decaf Veritas
9 - Wright
jblym, it's known as sarcasm. Dave is a past master at it.
Hilarious and to the point, Dave.
10 - Ray Ellis
When I first I read this post at 4Am this morning, I thought I had to be dreaming. This is a Texan nightmare. Let me explain.
Dave Nalle's article is not a satire, nor is it racist--our governor is actually proposing this.
I know it's hard for you guys outside Texas to believe, but we Texans had a taste of Bush long before he was president--he was governor her--and Rick Perry was his LT. Gov. Like Bush, he lives in a comic book superhero world.
All Nalle points out, and eloquently, I might add, is Perry wants to spend the surplus on webcams , essentially, to catch illegals, all with the help of the citizenry who will, of course be glued to their computers to catch them in the act.
Like I said, Perry is Bush's protege--and that's scary. We've been dealing with comic book rule in Texas for years.
My hats off to Dave Nalle for at least attempting to warn the reast of the countryabout wannabe cowboys.
11 - RedTard
To all you who claim enforcing border security is racist, get off your computer, cancel your internet, and sell all YOUR fucking possessions and give them to starving Africans, then maybe I'll listen to your smug self righteous lemming bullshit telling me how I need to spend MY money to help this person or that country to fix THEIR problem.
Your $40 internet connection could stuff the mouths of several third world kids. What, you think your little web experience is worth more than a human life or are you just a hypocritical prick product of the new socialism?
As for the issue at hand, stopping the import of poor, ignorant Mexicans into an already overcrowded country is a good thing for all of us.
Of course, no system is foolproof as has been pointed out. That's the logic of a five year old. Bank vaults, alarm systems, locks, and even hired security guards are not foolproof, in fact no security ever is. What you do is make it more difficult for criminals to break the law up to the point where the crime is reduced to an acceptable level. For most Americans the amount of illegals is unacceptable and they want better enforcement to slow the flow. Hats off to governor Perry for doing what he was elected to do and serving the people.
Bush recently compared illegal immigration to a traffic violation. There are hundreds of cameras set up all around town to catch traffic violations. Should we not offer the same to our newest visitors?
12 - Dave Nalle
The real problem with this article is that it's labeled news. It's great satire and deserves to be noted as such. It's a good thing I live in Virginia where we don't do dumb things like that...too often...or get caught at least.
Mark, I think wright had it right when he said it's more sarcasm than satire. How can you satire things that are already ridiculous? I fretted over how to label the piece, since it's mostly factual but at the same time farcical. I ended up going with news but selecting the humor sub-category. Sometimes there just aren't enough categories to describe how silly things get in the real world.
As for my 'racist' portrayal of Mexican immigrants as pool boys and live-in nannies, that was satire - but like much good satire it's also true. I know illegals who do both jobs.
And regarding #6, no Richard, you are in fact mistaken. I never suggested that illegals don't want to come here on a permanent basis, though I'm sure there some who would be satisfied with a guest worker program. I'm worse than that. I welcome them as permanent immigrants.
Dave
13 - mschannon
Dave, we don't got no sarcasm label,although we should bring that up at the next editor's meeting.
But the problem with satire is the reason for my blog: Parodies Lost...parody, satire, etc. are impossible when the world's absurd. We can only try to make it even more absurd by directing people to the truth.
In Decaf Veritas
14 - Español de España
Los inmigrantes deben respetar la legislación, lengua y costumbres del país de acogida
15 - Silas Kain
I've always liked Rick Perry. It must be his boyish good looks, Southern charm and the fact that he comes across gayer than a bonnet full of parrots.
16 - Dave Nalle
I didn't want to get into the whole gay with a fake marriage issue, but he sure does have great hair.
Dave
17 - Silas Kain
Dave,
If Perry pulled a McGreevey, I'd actually consider moving to Texas. It would just be too delicious for words.
And, on a side note, you're the classic example of a man who is so comfortable in his own skin and sexuality that he can actually appreciate a pretty male face or great head of hair without making it seem 'dirty'. Dude, you rule and are a credit to your orientation.
18 - Clavos
Sr. Español:
Ud. tiene toda la razón, por lo que le pregunto: ¿Porqué no escribió su comentario en inglés?
19 - Silas Kain
¿El inglés se ha hecho la lengua oficial de los Estados Unidos o ser swahili?
20 - Dave Nalle
Could be I'm just jealous of his hair, Silas. You've seen my picture, right?
If Perry came out I can't imagine what the reaction would be. His looks have made him him the darling of the blue haired grannies who run the state GOP. They'd absolutely die if he turned out to be gay - which could only help move the party forward.
Dave
21 - Silas Kain
Dude, I can say being a bona fide homo, that you are one handsome man. You don't need hair -- your eyes give you away. You're family is damn lucky to have you and so are we here at BC.
22 - Clavos
Silas:
Se dice que será farsi.