Estimates for attendance at the inauguration of our next governmental diety, Barack Obama, are now between 230 and 240 million people. Burned-out homes in the worst sections of town are renting for $100,000 an hour; they're going like hot cakes.
Some predict that Jesus, Moses, and Mohammed will all be in attendance if they can get rooms. Jesus has said he'd be happy with a simple manger in a barn; Moses is looking for a large bush; I'm not going to risk saying what Mohammed wants--who needs a fatwa on one's head at my age.
The latest CNN poll has Obama's approval rating at 82%, higher than the Pope, Putin, Einstein, or even Jameson Irish Whiskey*. "Barack Obama is having a better honeymoon with the American public than any incoming president in the past three decades," said Keating Holland, CNN's polling director.
Uloff Tills, executive director of the Lithuanian Center for American Research noted, "With levels of approval this high, there is virtually nothing Mr. Obama cannot do. We expect the world economy to be restored to its former glory soon after he takes the oath of office. Like five, maybe ten minutes after. Maybe twenty if it's snowing."
If public adoration weren't enough, the soon-to-be Prez is continuing his goal of being the most-buff president since...well, since forever. Even a Washington Post writer in a front page article on this most celebrated of Christian holidays, virtually drooled in a description of the Hero-To-Be: "The sun glinted off chiseled pectorals sculpted during four weightlifting sessions each week, and a body toned by regular treadmill runs and basketball games."
Excuse me??? Chiseled pectorals? Sculpted? Have we given up any hope of letting this poor schmuck just be a human being who happened to get elected president?
In that case, I have a number of questions I'd like to submit to Mr. Obama that I believe are reasonable given his stature, status, and sainthood. In the interest of making his task easier, the questions are multiple choice.
- When will you resolve the Israel-Palestinian issue?
- February 1, 2009
- As soon as I can arrange for the Chinese to assume control over Jerusalem
- What's the next question?
- February 1, 2009...or 2010...or maybe 2011.
- As soon as the Chinese lend us another 25 trillion dollars.
- When John McCain agrees to buy 2,500 homes...every week...for a long time.
- Excuse me, I've got a call on my cell phone.
- Curing male pattern baldness.
- Lots o' fat little children who should be working out to get as buff as I.
- The incredible abuse of cosmetic surgery by baby boomers who should just live with the fact that they're getting really, really old. Deal with it.
- She has extraordinary experience dodging bullets in hostile environments.
- She rejected the post of Ambassador to Lithuania.
- No one else wanted the job. Do you have any idea what's going on in the world today?
- World peace.
- Safe cigarettes.
- A new IPhone...that my staff will let me use.
- That Sarah Palin never, ever gives another interview.
- I have faith in the willingness of the American people to...to...just leave it at I have faith in the American people, OK?
- No, I passed through second thoughts months ago. I'm up to 353rd thoughts, and that doesn't count Michelle's.
- Second thoughts? Dude, have you seen my approval ratings?
- A mighty oak.
- A Ponderosa pine.
- A weeping willow.
- We will consider all applications and make decisions based soley on qualifications.
- How about Ambassador to Lithuania?
- Who the hell are you, anyway?
- No, you may not call me Barak.
Sheesh, talk about a testy president elect. Anyway, I'm sure some close advisor to Obama will read this article and submit the questions to him. And I'm confident we'll have answers soon, which I will faithfully reveal to all.