Estimates for attendance at the inauguration of our next governmental diety, Barack Obama, are now between 230 and 240 million people. Burned-out homes in the worst sections of town are renting for $100,000 an hour; they're going like hot cakes.
Some predict that Jesus, Moses, and Mohammed will all be in attendance if they can get rooms. Jesus has said he'd be happy with a simple manger in a barn; Moses is looking for a large bush; I'm not going to risk saying what Mohammed wants--who needs a fatwa on one's head at my age.
The latest CNN poll has Obama's approval rating at 82%, higher than the Pope, Putin, Einstein, or even Jameson Irish Whiskey*. "Barack Obama is having a better honeymoon with the American public than any incoming president in the past three decades," said Keating Holland, CNN's polling director.
Uloff Tills, executive director of the Lithuanian Center for American Research noted, "With levels of approval this high, there is virtually nothing Mr. Obama cannot do. We expect the world economy to be restored to its former glory soon after he takes the oath of office. Like five, maybe ten minutes after. Maybe twenty if it's snowing."
If public adoration weren't enough, the soon-to-be Prez is continuing his goal of being 
the most-buff president since...well, since forever. Even a Washington Post writer in a front page article on this most celebrated of Christian holidays, virtually drooled in a description of the Hero-To-Be: "The sun glinted off chiseled pectorals sculpted during four weightlifting sessions each week, and a body toned by regular treadmill runs and basketball games."
Excuse me??? Chiseled pectorals? Sculpted? Have we given up any hope of letting this poor schmuck just be a human being who happened to get elected president?
Apparently not.
In that case, I have a number of questions I'd like to submit to Mr. Obama that I believe are reasonable given his stature, status, and sainthood. In the interest of making his task easier, the questions are multiple choice.
- When will you resolve the Israel-Palestinian issue?
- February 1, 2009
- As soon as I can arrange for the Chinese to assume control over Jerusalem
- Soon
- What's the next question?
- How soon will the housing crisis be solved?
- February 1, 2009...or 2010...or maybe 2011.
- As soon as the Chinese lend us another 25 trillion dollars.
- When John McCain agrees to buy 2,500 homes...every week...for a long time.
- Excuse me, I've got a call on my cell phone.
- What are the nation's health care issues most in need of attention?
- Curing male pattern baldness.
- Lots o' fat little children who should be working out to get as buff as I.
- The incredible abuse of cosmetic surgery by baby boomers who should just live with the fact that they're getting really, really old. Deal with it.
- So why did you ask Senator Clinton to be Secretary of State...really?
- She has extraordinary experience dodging bullets in hostile environments.
- She rejected the post of Ambassador to Lithuania.
- No one else wanted the job. Do you have any idea what's going on in the world today?
- If there is one wish you could have granted, which isn't outside the realm of possibility given that one god & two major prophets are going to be at your inauguration, what would it be?
- World peace.
- Safe cigarettes.
- A new IPhone...that my staff will let me use.
- That Sarah Palin never, ever gives another interview.
- Do you have second thoughts about being president given that there's virtually nothing in the world that's working?
- I have faith in the willingness of the American people to...to...just leave it at I have faith in the American people, OK?
- No, I passed through second thoughts months ago. I'm up to 353rd thoughts, and that doesn't count Michelle's.
- Second thoughts? Dude, have you seen my approval ratings?
- What kind of tree would you be, if you were a tree?
- A mighty oak.
- A Ponderosa pine.
- A weeping willow.
- So, Barak (may I call you Barak), what's the chance of my getting a cool appointment in your administration?
- We will consider all applications and make decisions based soley on qualifications.
- How about Ambassador to Lithuania?
- Who the hell are you, anyway?
- No, you may not call me Barak.
Sheesh, talk about a testy president elect. Anyway, I'm sure some close advisor to Obama will read this article and submit the questions to him. And I'm confident we'll have answers soon, which I will faithfully reveal to all.
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - Baritone
Mark,
Hey!
I know exactly what you're talking about. One might expect our new buff prez to actually walk atop the reflecting pool to the Capitol steps.
What does bother me is that some blame Obama for this - as if he expects to be treated as the second coming, or the reincarnation of Mahatma. Rather, I look upon this unreal adoration as a product of the public and perhaps to some extent, the media.
It has been a long time (pretty much forever, actually) since we have had an incoming president with Obama's particular attributes - or anything even close, not even Kennedy.
What intrigues me about Obama more than anything is that he actually seems like a regular guy in most respects. I believe he could be at ease in most any situation and most any company.
Also, his apparent unflappability is impressive. I suppose he may fume and throw things in private, but I doubt it. He may be the most self-possessed politician I have ever seen.
Oh, and one question: What time is the actual deification?
B
2 - Mark Schannon
Baritone
Rats, I thought about the reflecting pool and then forgot! Oh well...next time.
Agree about St. Barak, he does seem like a regular guy except, of course for the Dumbo ears.
It's going to be interesting to see if he can maintain his cool in the face of the entire world cracking at the seems and falling into the sun. That'll make him sweat.
Sorry, don't know what time the deification is. We're hiding in our basement for the entire few days here in Northern VA...unless someone wants to rent some rooms here, which are going for basement bargain prices. $25,000 per room per day...bathroom privileges extra of course.
Phew.
In Jameson Veritas
3 - Baritone
$25000. per day? Not hourly rates? It would seem that you are allowing opportunity to slip through your fingers. Oh, well.
I imagine that Barack has awakened several mornings of late wondering what the hell he has gone and done, grabbing his Blackberry calling to demand a recount.
B
4 - Lisa Solod Warren
Um. Barack has a "c" in it. Although maybe y'all are so close he lets you leave it out.
And I want to know, will the market go up 5000 points within the first day or the first week? Could you ask him that next time y'all speak? Thanks.
5 - Dave Nalle
There will no longer be a market. Such obsolete capitalist mechanisms will no longer be needed.
Dave
6 - Mark Schannon
Lisa, you're wrong about the spelling of HIS name (all letters referring to HIM must now be capitalized.) Barack is the Americanization of his original Swahili name. In the original Urdu, it's BARAK.
Or do I owe the prez-elect an apology?
Baritone, liberals aren't greedy. 'nuff said.
Lisa, by the way, according to sources close to the source, expectations are that the Dow will collapse to 3 but the S&P 500, a much better gauge, will climb 65,000 points within the first hour.
After that, it's anybody's guess.
Oh, Dave, you're such a pessimist. Of course there will be markets. Otherwise, the bride & I will be out on the streets peddling Nixon/Agnew buttons for food.
In Jameson Veritas
7 - Clavos
Nixon/Agnew buttons can be eaten??
What do they taste like?
8 - Baritone
Bitter dregs.
9 - Dave Nalle
You are Herbert...
Dave
10 - Cindy D
Dave???
Is that an inside joke?
11 - Arch Conservative
The greatest thing Barack could ever do would be to, after he has failed miserably and made our financial and physical safety tenfold worse than it is today, take a page out of the ole Jim Jones playbook, update it a bit, an send a mass email (on second thought text message, email is so 2006) to all of his zealous followers that the time has come.
The rest of us can bulldoze the bodies into one large grave (they don't even deserve that but they'd be in the way) and start to pick up the pieces.
12 - Brunelleschi
Arch-
That was retarded (with all due respect to retarded people....).
13 - Cindy D
What the fuck did somebody do to make you what you are Arch?
14 - Ruvy
Looks like someone isn't saying "praise the lord" at St. Barak's election. And he has the balls to speak up, too. That may be dangerous in this new administration.
Bing, this is a satire article. There will be plenty of articles excoriating the NEW monkey in the White House. Watch and see as life gets miserable after that first bounce of popularity. Hold your
firecomments, and be the second or third fellow toopenspeak up.And for the rest of you all, Barak is the correct spelling of the word/name - from the Arabic - even if your new president is too stupid to correct it himself.
15 - Mark Schannon
Aha, vindicated. Much thanks, Ruvy. I knew that.
Clavos, yes, Nixon/Agnew buttons are quite tasty with a reduced red wine/beef broth sauce and just seared on both sides. Yum.
Dave, I'm with Cindy. Herbert???
Arch...jeeze, at least let the guy take office before you accuse him of failing. Although, the way the world is going, Jesus, Moses & Mohammed together couldn't fix this mess...even with a passel of miracles.
Anyway, he's buff...like me...so I like him.
And that's the truth.
In Jameson Veritas,
16 - Cindy D
I loved your article Mark. That ending was great.
17 - Arch Conservative
They eventually woke up and came to their senses in Salem when the snow thawed and 1693 rolled around.
As to our current situation, the potential for damage (the irrepairble kind) is exponentially greater.
But I'm told it's my duty as a good citizen of planet earth to something to support "the one."
So here goes.......
I offer my services to the one to select a theme song for his inauguration.....
Tina Turner's We Don't Need Another Hero
Those of you who don't see the connection should speak to the Clinton people who in 1992 balked at my suggestion that Bill use the song Fat Bottom Girls by Queen.
18 - Dave Nalle
Dave, I'm with Cindy. Herbert???
Culturally illiterate people. It's a Star Trek reference. In the episode "The Way to Eden" a group of space hippies are passengers on the Enterprise and they refer to those who are unhip as "Herbert" who was supposedly a bureaucrat particularly known for his rigid patterns of thought.
Dave
19 - Christopher Rose
Although nowadays a person who is rigid in their thinking is simply known as a Nalle.
20 - Jet
Headin' out to Eden, Yaaaaaaay brother. Re: 17-Arch, you've heard the "Rush Limbaugh" version of "Barack the Magic Negro" haven't you?
There's a big news article on it after one of the candidates of the Republican National committee mailed it out on a CD with his Christmas cards and Limbaugh played it on his radio show.
I am NOT making that up... go ahead look it up!
21 - Cindy D
Arch,
I'm pretty sure...wait a minute...it could be...I think I do. I agree with you. :-)
Merry Belated Christmas Arch!
22 - Cindy D
Dave,
What name is their for hipsters?--they have the same qualities.
23 - Jet
Chris and Doc...
In a manner of speaking a late Christmas greeting of the lyrics to one of my early favorite Genisis songs that no one's heard of
Dark and grey, an English film,
the Wednesday Play
We always watch the Queen
on Christmas Day
Won't you stay?
Though your eyes see shipwrecked sailors
you're still dry
The outlook's fine
though Wales might have some rain
Saved again.
Let's skip the news boy
(I'll go and make some tea)
Arabs and Jews boy
(too much for me)
They get me confused boy
(puts me off to sleep)
And the thing I hate--Oh Lord!
Is staying up late,
to watch some debate,
on some nation's fate.
Hypnotised by Batman,
Tarzan, still surprised!
You've won the West in time to be our guest
Name your prize!
Drop of wine, a glass of beer dear
what's the time?
The grime on the Tyne is mine all mine
all mine Five past nine.
Blood on the rooftops-
-Venice in the Spring
The Streets of San Francisco-
-a word from Peking
The trouble was started-
-by a young Errol Flynn
Better in my day-
-Oh Lord!
For when we got bored,
we'd have a world war,
happy but poor
So let's skip the news boy
(I'll go and make some tea)
Blood on the rooftops
(too much for me)
When old Mother Goose stops-
-and they're out for 23
Then the rain at Lords stopped play
Seems Helen of Troy
has found a new face again.
24 - Jet
Tread carefully Cindy, that could invalidate your membership if you're caught...
25 - Arch Conservative
Well Jet....
One of the very few things that you and I will probably agree on in this life is that Limbaugh is a good for nothing windbag and his playing that song is just further proof.
You and Rush probably both think I hang on his every word because of some of my socio-political views. But I don't. I can't stand the guy. When his intro music starts playing I change the channel.
I do like Bill O'reilly though. He seems like a decent guy and he despises Al Franken. I can't harbor any ill will toward anyone that hates Al Franken.